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Should I do anything about my maybe anorexic neice
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 20216" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>MWM, I wouldn't interfere by calling CPS. I mean, what will they do, really? If they actually did intervene appropriately, with no other problems - wouldn't that be a first?</p><p></p><p>And if your relationship with your sister is as warped as it sounds, I suspect that if ANYONE calls CPS your sister will be blaming you and calling CPS on you in return, just to get back at you.</p><p></p><p>Your sister really sounds like a severe control freak - which, of course, is a whole lot of the problem. And yes, she sounds like she's passed it on to the girls.</p><p></p><p>So, back to the problem - I agree, I would be concerned too. But you're further away from the problem than a lot of others. I know you don't want to be, but you simply aren't seeing the girls often enough or closely enough to have any credibility with anyone you spoke to about it- it would be too easy to blow off what you said, or put it down to petty revenge instead of a genuinely concerned aunt.</p><p></p><p>A's coach - MUST be aware. Couldn't NOT be aware. The missed periods - it happens more times than not, when someone exercises a lot. It IS a matter of body fat, but it's also linked to exercise, especially vigorous exercise. Female competition tennis players often stop their periods while in heavy training or heavy competition. The coach would know if this likelihood and should be alert to it, as something to keep an eye on, rather than a red flag on its own.</p><p></p><p>Runners are often small and wiry, especially marathon runners. I guess that's why the Ethiopians are such successful marathon runners. If it could be argued (even if it's not true) that she's small and wiry because she's made for long distance running, then you would have an even harder time getting heard.</p><p></p><p>One thing will make the difference. A big thing. If she IS anorexic rather than simply wiry, her skeleton will be suffering. An athlete who eats well but runs it off will have a very healthy skeleton - a bone density study of an athlete will show it. An anorexic, however, will be losing calcium. Eventually bones will break easily. And THAT is something the coach will not want.</p><p></p><p>A is a star performer, by the sound of it. If she has inherited her mother's controlling nature, then running could be her way of holding that control. It could be what is PREVENTING full-blown anorexia. The coach will not want to risk a star performer. He would be watching any concerns very closely. And the coach handling it - much more likely to be successful. If the coach rang CPS, he is more likely to be heard. </p><p></p><p>I would leave the problem with those outside the family who see this girl on a regular basis. The school and the coach will not want an anorexic kid on their conscience; they will blow the whistle if it starts to look bad.</p><p></p><p>As for K - that's a harder one. All you can do is hope that K has enough common sense to ignore demands to lose weight. You really can't do anything else besides sit back and watch the train wreck. If you work through the likely outcomes of all your possible courses of action - I see nothing positive, nothing productive as an outcome. It could make their problems worse, if A were kept from running, for example. She might focus on not eating to a more intensive extent. You can't do this for them - unless they are forced by someone else (and even then success isn't likely) they have to recognise the problem for themselves before any chance of improvement is likely, if this IS anorexia.</p><p></p><p>People used to think easy child 2/difficult child 2 was anorexic, because she is so very slim. She's chubbed out a bit now (so she looks more normal) but is still very slim - 5'6" and weighing 100 lb NOW. She used to be so skinny she could suck in her tummy and you could see her spine - from the front! THAT'S when we really got the accusations of her being anorexic. And if I'd had a concerned but estranged sister - I'm sure we'd have had calls from CPS over it. But if she obsessed about her weight, it was to say she hated being skinny.</p><p>At about that time we got a visit from a young friend who has fascio-scapular muscular dystrophy. This girl has muscles that simply haven't had a chance to develop. She exercises as much as she can, walks and swims, eats what she has the strength to but simply is not capable of growing muscle. What she has, has to work hard and do a lot. And the girl, next to easy child 2/difficult child 2 (who was assumed by others to look like an anorexic) made easy child 2/difficult child 2 look obese. This girl was literally half the thickness of easy child 2/difficult child 2 and the same height. legs like matchsticks, body looking like she'd blow away in a mild breeze. She also wore a lot of loose, flowing clothing to hide her body - another hallmark of an anorexic. In the case of young friend,she did this because she was embarrassed about the lack of development of her upper arms. She wore a shirt when swimming, for example. Every dress she designed for herself, she made it to cover her arms.</p><p></p><p>Our friend has a genuine medical reason for looking anorexic. She also hates being skinny but accepts she has no choice. She deals with it by studying fashion design. Her healthy lifestyle has kept her alive when her parents were told she wouldn't live long past ten years old. She's now twice that and apparently stronger all the time.</p><p></p><p>MWM, I know your heart is torn for these girls, but you really can't do anything which would help these girls. Not at this stage. As I said, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Or like watching a junkie in the gutter. You can't help because they have to be able to accept any help and they can't do that if they don't accept there is a problem. And you can't even talk to them about it - even if you were on good terms, this is a hard subject to raise with someone who is in denial.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Do your best to build bridges with no catches, so you're at least available to them when they ARE ready to accept there is a problem.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 20216, member: 1991"] MWM, I wouldn't interfere by calling CPS. I mean, what will they do, really? If they actually did intervene appropriately, with no other problems - wouldn't that be a first? And if your relationship with your sister is as warped as it sounds, I suspect that if ANYONE calls CPS your sister will be blaming you and calling CPS on you in return, just to get back at you. Your sister really sounds like a severe control freak - which, of course, is a whole lot of the problem. And yes, she sounds like she's passed it on to the girls. So, back to the problem - I agree, I would be concerned too. But you're further away from the problem than a lot of others. I know you don't want to be, but you simply aren't seeing the girls often enough or closely enough to have any credibility with anyone you spoke to about it- it would be too easy to blow off what you said, or put it down to petty revenge instead of a genuinely concerned aunt. A's coach - MUST be aware. Couldn't NOT be aware. The missed periods - it happens more times than not, when someone exercises a lot. It IS a matter of body fat, but it's also linked to exercise, especially vigorous exercise. Female competition tennis players often stop their periods while in heavy training or heavy competition. The coach would know if this likelihood and should be alert to it, as something to keep an eye on, rather than a red flag on its own. Runners are often small and wiry, especially marathon runners. I guess that's why the Ethiopians are such successful marathon runners. If it could be argued (even if it's not true) that she's small and wiry because she's made for long distance running, then you would have an even harder time getting heard. One thing will make the difference. A big thing. If she IS anorexic rather than simply wiry, her skeleton will be suffering. An athlete who eats well but runs it off will have a very healthy skeleton - a bone density study of an athlete will show it. An anorexic, however, will be losing calcium. Eventually bones will break easily. And THAT is something the coach will not want. A is a star performer, by the sound of it. If she has inherited her mother's controlling nature, then running could be her way of holding that control. It could be what is PREVENTING full-blown anorexia. The coach will not want to risk a star performer. He would be watching any concerns very closely. And the coach handling it - much more likely to be successful. If the coach rang CPS, he is more likely to be heard. I would leave the problem with those outside the family who see this girl on a regular basis. The school and the coach will not want an anorexic kid on their conscience; they will blow the whistle if it starts to look bad. As for K - that's a harder one. All you can do is hope that K has enough common sense to ignore demands to lose weight. You really can't do anything else besides sit back and watch the train wreck. If you work through the likely outcomes of all your possible courses of action - I see nothing positive, nothing productive as an outcome. It could make their problems worse, if A were kept from running, for example. She might focus on not eating to a more intensive extent. You can't do this for them - unless they are forced by someone else (and even then success isn't likely) they have to recognise the problem for themselves before any chance of improvement is likely, if this IS anorexia. People used to think easy child 2/difficult child 2 was anorexic, because she is so very slim. She's chubbed out a bit now (so she looks more normal) but is still very slim - 5'6" and weighing 100 lb NOW. She used to be so skinny she could suck in her tummy and you could see her spine - from the front! THAT'S when we really got the accusations of her being anorexic. And if I'd had a concerned but estranged sister - I'm sure we'd have had calls from CPS over it. But if she obsessed about her weight, it was to say she hated being skinny. At about that time we got a visit from a young friend who has fascio-scapular muscular dystrophy. This girl has muscles that simply haven't had a chance to develop. She exercises as much as she can, walks and swims, eats what she has the strength to but simply is not capable of growing muscle. What she has, has to work hard and do a lot. And the girl, next to easy child 2/difficult child 2 (who was assumed by others to look like an anorexic) made easy child 2/difficult child 2 look obese. This girl was literally half the thickness of easy child 2/difficult child 2 and the same height. legs like matchsticks, body looking like she'd blow away in a mild breeze. She also wore a lot of loose, flowing clothing to hide her body - another hallmark of an anorexic. In the case of young friend,she did this because she was embarrassed about the lack of development of her upper arms. She wore a shirt when swimming, for example. Every dress she designed for herself, she made it to cover her arms. Our friend has a genuine medical reason for looking anorexic. She also hates being skinny but accepts she has no choice. She deals with it by studying fashion design. Her healthy lifestyle has kept her alive when her parents were told she wouldn't live long past ten years old. She's now twice that and apparently stronger all the time. MWM, I know your heart is torn for these girls, but you really can't do anything which would help these girls. Not at this stage. As I said, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Or like watching a junkie in the gutter. You can't help because they have to be able to accept any help and they can't do that if they don't accept there is a problem. And you can't even talk to them about it - even if you were on good terms, this is a hard subject to raise with someone who is in denial. Hang in there. Do your best to build bridges with no catches, so you're at least available to them when they ARE ready to accept there is a problem. Marg [/QUOTE]
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