Should I give difficult child $$$ to get married?
- Thread starter Masta
- Start date
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Kjs
Guest
When I was 21, found out I was pregnant. Thought of getting married, but was advised by social services that it is MUCH easier to get married later. I was also advised to give the child my last name, if we did decide to marry it was only a matter of signing a paper to have baby's name changed.
I am so glad I took that advice, as father is an alcoholic and was more interested at where the next party was that providing a home for his child. Yes..he was thrilled to be having a child, wanted to get married and I seriously thought it would be best at the time. But after the baby came and he had better things to do (parties) I realized my baby deserved better than that, even if it was just with me.
When I did meet my husband, he was so wonderful to easy child. and to me. We were together 6 years before we got married. My parents paid for the dinner. We didn't even expect that. But..once difficult child came along husband was/is so absorbed with him that easy child and I seem as if we no longer exist/existed.
My advice would be to wait. you can always get married. If the baby's father is a good father, make the tie. difficult child may realize that this little person deserves the best. My child changed my whole outlook. Maybe it will do the same with her.
If they go through with the wedding...pay a set amount or the hall rental..or photographer or meal. Money may just end up in mother in law's hands or some foolish thing.
I am so glad I took that advice, as father is an alcoholic and was more interested at where the next party was that providing a home for his child. Yes..he was thrilled to be having a child, wanted to get married and I seriously thought it would be best at the time. But after the baby came and he had better things to do (parties) I realized my baby deserved better than that, even if it was just with me.
When I did meet my husband, he was so wonderful to easy child. and to me. We were together 6 years before we got married. My parents paid for the dinner. We didn't even expect that. But..once difficult child came along husband was/is so absorbed with him that easy child and I seem as if we no longer exist/existed.
My advice would be to wait. you can always get married. If the baby's father is a good father, make the tie. difficult child may realize that this little person deserves the best. My child changed my whole outlook. Maybe it will do the same with her.
If they go through with the wedding...pay a set amount or the hall rental..or photographer or meal. Money may just end up in mother in law's hands or some foolish thing.
donna723
Well-Known Member
They don't HAVE to get married!
I have a former sister-in-law who at age 22 married a man who was also 22 and already had a six year old daughter. Still very young, but they've had a long, happy marriage and have another daughter together who is grown now. He and his high school girlfriend were both sixteen when his first daughter was born. Cooler heads prevailed and everyone realized that a "marriage" between these two CHILDREN would be a disaster.
Instead, they settled into a relationship that resembled a very harmonious divorced couple, and it worked very well for them. He has ALWAYS been a father to this girl, and she was given his last name. He worked after school and paid child support since the day she was born when he was just sixteen. He had liberal visitation and spent lots of time with her, never missing the holidays, birthdays, school plays, etc. When he married my sister in law, she became a loving stepmom to this girl. She was very much a part of our family and the other kids considered her to be a cousin - they still do.
How much better was this than a hurried "marriage" doomed to failure between two kids who were ill prepared and in no way ready to make a lifelong commitment. They both went on to have long, happy marriages with other people and both have had more children with their spouses. So, it's not easy but it CAN be done.
And here's a thought ... how will your daughters strange new family feel if her baby, their anticipated "heir", turns out to be a GIRL????
I have a former sister-in-law who at age 22 married a man who was also 22 and already had a six year old daughter. Still very young, but they've had a long, happy marriage and have another daughter together who is grown now. He and his high school girlfriend were both sixteen when his first daughter was born. Cooler heads prevailed and everyone realized that a "marriage" between these two CHILDREN would be a disaster.
Instead, they settled into a relationship that resembled a very harmonious divorced couple, and it worked very well for them. He has ALWAYS been a father to this girl, and she was given his last name. He worked after school and paid child support since the day she was born when he was just sixteen. He had liberal visitation and spent lots of time with her, never missing the holidays, birthdays, school plays, etc. When he married my sister in law, she became a loving stepmom to this girl. She was very much a part of our family and the other kids considered her to be a cousin - they still do.
How much better was this than a hurried "marriage" doomed to failure between two kids who were ill prepared and in no way ready to make a lifelong commitment. They both went on to have long, happy marriages with other people and both have had more children with their spouses. So, it's not easy but it CAN be done.
And here's a thought ... how will your daughters strange new family feel if her baby, their anticipated "heir", turns out to be a GIRL????
the plot thickens.... now mother in law doesnt want to wait for grandma to make the dress she is going to buy a cheap $100 plain dress and bead it herself.
they will be sending out invites this week i think. difficult child doesnt even know who to invite.
some uncle on the b/f's side has offered to cook half a cow in some type of native bbq (cooked in the dirt). sounds like more people are coming then what i thought.
difficult child has realised she cant have her hair extensions coz she cant afford them. she told me she spoke to her bishop today about getting married. he offered her the use the chapel. the bishop first gave her the talk... about how life is going to be hard for them because they are so young and adoption is an option.. and that he hoped they werent marrying because difficult child was pregnant. difficult child didnt like hearing that.
husband wont offer money till they come over and sit down with us to discuss things.
i dont know what they will think if the baby turns out to be a girl.
i have asked difficult child via text is this what she really wanted and if she is happy. she said she is the happiest she has been for a while (which doesnt mean much coz she cycles). and who knows if she typed that or the b/f did. then she texted "I love you mom" which is weird coz she rarely says that.
im just sitting back for now and watching from a distance.
they will be sending out invites this week i think. difficult child doesnt even know who to invite.
some uncle on the b/f's side has offered to cook half a cow in some type of native bbq (cooked in the dirt). sounds like more people are coming then what i thought.
difficult child has realised she cant have her hair extensions coz she cant afford them. she told me she spoke to her bishop today about getting married. he offered her the use the chapel. the bishop first gave her the talk... about how life is going to be hard for them because they are so young and adoption is an option.. and that he hoped they werent marrying because difficult child was pregnant. difficult child didnt like hearing that.
husband wont offer money till they come over and sit down with us to discuss things.
i dont know what they will think if the baby turns out to be a girl.
i have asked difficult child via text is this what she really wanted and if she is happy. she said she is the happiest she has been for a while (which doesnt mean much coz she cycles). and who knows if she typed that or the b/f did. then she texted "I love you mom" which is weird coz she rarely says that.
im just sitting back for now and watching from a distance.
My friends' daughter was young, pregnant, and went to live with a family extremely similar to the situation you are describing. Once the baby was born, they took over. They beat my friends daughter, took completely over everything with the baby. She had to "escape", and she did. The girl and baby now live with my friend. The dad and his family are not allowed contact. Just let your daughter know that she is always allowed to come home. The family doesn't sound right. Why would they make her pay half the rent? Tell her you love her and be supportive.-Alyssa
