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Should I give up
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 567230" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Whether he seems Aspie or not - there can be a broad spectrum of different conditions, some of them unrelated, which present as 9among other things) a child who feels a strong need to be in control. of course they need a parent to supervise, but the more you try to control them (because they need checks and balances) the more these kids will fight back and try to grab control from you. It becomes first a competition, and then a war. And they are able to focus on this more intently than you because for them, it is everything. So they will win if you engage them in this war. In fact, while you think of it as a competition or a war, you have already lost.</p><p></p><p>The best thing to do is to SEEM to let them have control. The more you do this, the more they learn how to assert self-control. You become their guide and facilitator, and not their rival.</p><p></p><p>It works. The reference is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. The child needn't be openly explosive for this to work; it also is valid for perfectly 'normal' kids too.</p><p></p><p>I'm currently dealing (in my area) with adults who MUST assert control, to the extent that although they present themselves publicly as champions of truth, honesty and spirituality, the extent of the lying and deception is breathtaking. I'm talking about two different people mainly, they don't even know one another. But I know the background of both and I know where this has come from - a burning need to be the one in the driving seat, to an extreme extent, at all times. Control is the main aim, not success. As a result, whatever they touch turns to crud. And by the time they're adults, they've learnt a lot more tricks to get what they want. Emotional blackmail. In spades. Bullying. Crying, tantrums. Blame. Deflection.</p><p></p><p>So please, listen to your instincts. Yes, he needs a different approach. it will be okay if you do things your way but others do not - they will cop the fallout and not you. But please, do not let J become the adult that can result, if he is still desperate to be in control. Instead, let him learn that asking for help and listening to others is another valid way to make your own life choices.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 567230, member: 1991"] Whether he seems Aspie or not - there can be a broad spectrum of different conditions, some of them unrelated, which present as 9among other things) a child who feels a strong need to be in control. of course they need a parent to supervise, but the more you try to control them (because they need checks and balances) the more these kids will fight back and try to grab control from you. It becomes first a competition, and then a war. And they are able to focus on this more intently than you because for them, it is everything. So they will win if you engage them in this war. In fact, while you think of it as a competition or a war, you have already lost. The best thing to do is to SEEM to let them have control. The more you do this, the more they learn how to assert self-control. You become their guide and facilitator, and not their rival. It works. The reference is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. The child needn't be openly explosive for this to work; it also is valid for perfectly 'normal' kids too. I'm currently dealing (in my area) with adults who MUST assert control, to the extent that although they present themselves publicly as champions of truth, honesty and spirituality, the extent of the lying and deception is breathtaking. I'm talking about two different people mainly, they don't even know one another. But I know the background of both and I know where this has come from - a burning need to be the one in the driving seat, to an extreme extent, at all times. Control is the main aim, not success. As a result, whatever they touch turns to crud. And by the time they're adults, they've learnt a lot more tricks to get what they want. Emotional blackmail. In spades. Bullying. Crying, tantrums. Blame. Deflection. So please, listen to your instincts. Yes, he needs a different approach. it will be okay if you do things your way but others do not - they will cop the fallout and not you. But please, do not let J become the adult that can result, if he is still desperate to be in control. Instead, let him learn that asking for help and listening to others is another valid way to make your own life choices. Marg [/QUOTE]
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