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Should've, would've, could've...
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 533631" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>You are right that looks can be very deceiving. And big part of how we see this 'comes after their mom/dad/granny' is in fact the mannerism and expressions that are often learned. So it is common to children look like their parents even when they don't share genes. Also my difficult child has some of his dad's expressions and mannerism but he comes more to me in that too. Still I'm sure most/all of those people who joke about our sons not looking the same and difficult child not looking like his dad, don't have any idea, that they are hitting so close. And if they do, it is probably because how we react to the jokes. They most likely just assume difficult child comes after some relative in either mine or husband's side. And to be frank, I assume that if they would even suspect difficult child is not husband's natural son, they would just keep their mouths shut and not joke about it. At least not when our sons are listening. It is just that having to hear those comments may make my sons feel uncomfortable. And even difficult child is socially aware enough that he knows that asking them to leave the topic would just make them understand they did hit home with that.</p><p></p><p>I have never really talked with either of sons about how they feel about it. I have tested waters with difficult child but he doesn't want to talk about it, but I can see it is a touchy suspect. But I'm not going to push it. easy child has few times kind of tested waters to talk with me about it, but have never wanted to really go to it anyway. He is young, very good kid, somewhat naive and matters around dating are of course very important to him. The idea that I have cheated his dad is difficult for him. He couldn't (in this point) ever think of cheating someone he loves and me doing that to husband is something he seems to have hard time understanding.</p><p></p><p>When husband's granny made that comment about difficult child not being the first kid not looking like his dad, she wanted to give me perspective to this. She doesn't approve mother in law's big mouth about the matter and thinks her making the noise about it is simply bad decorum. That there has always been cheating and before birth control many more kids were born as a result of it and there is no reason to make a mess about it but just live with it. I kind of got a distant impression that maybe husband's dad or one of his siblings are also not the natural kids of their dad. Don't know, don't care. At least husband's granny has always treated difficult child just like her other great grandkids. Unfortunately with mother in law I can't say the same. Not only did she spill the beans for husband's siblings, she also told difficult child and easy child about it and she has not been nice with it with difficult child. And while I could come up with nicer table conversation topics in family dinners between main course and dessert than my cheating ways, I'm sure it hurts difficult child's feelings far worse than mine. Not that mother in law usually says anything straightforward any more, she just implies. And if confronted, plays dumb. But there has been times when I can see how also difficult child just waits for the first comment to come and flinches when the first one hits. And that breaks my heart. Easy solution would be not to have a dinner with mother in law, but unfortunately that is not quite so easy. I could of course decline, but husband and our sons do want to do it anyway.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 533631, member: 14557"] You are right that looks can be very deceiving. And big part of how we see this 'comes after their mom/dad/granny' is in fact the mannerism and expressions that are often learned. So it is common to children look like their parents even when they don't share genes. Also my difficult child has some of his dad's expressions and mannerism but he comes more to me in that too. Still I'm sure most/all of those people who joke about our sons not looking the same and difficult child not looking like his dad, don't have any idea, that they are hitting so close. And if they do, it is probably because how we react to the jokes. They most likely just assume difficult child comes after some relative in either mine or husband's side. And to be frank, I assume that if they would even suspect difficult child is not husband's natural son, they would just keep their mouths shut and not joke about it. At least not when our sons are listening. It is just that having to hear those comments may make my sons feel uncomfortable. And even difficult child is socially aware enough that he knows that asking them to leave the topic would just make them understand they did hit home with that. I have never really talked with either of sons about how they feel about it. I have tested waters with difficult child but he doesn't want to talk about it, but I can see it is a touchy suspect. But I'm not going to push it. easy child has few times kind of tested waters to talk with me about it, but have never wanted to really go to it anyway. He is young, very good kid, somewhat naive and matters around dating are of course very important to him. The idea that I have cheated his dad is difficult for him. He couldn't (in this point) ever think of cheating someone he loves and me doing that to husband is something he seems to have hard time understanding. When husband's granny made that comment about difficult child not being the first kid not looking like his dad, she wanted to give me perspective to this. She doesn't approve mother in law's big mouth about the matter and thinks her making the noise about it is simply bad decorum. That there has always been cheating and before birth control many more kids were born as a result of it and there is no reason to make a mess about it but just live with it. I kind of got a distant impression that maybe husband's dad or one of his siblings are also not the natural kids of their dad. Don't know, don't care. At least husband's granny has always treated difficult child just like her other great grandkids. Unfortunately with mother in law I can't say the same. Not only did she spill the beans for husband's siblings, she also told difficult child and easy child about it and she has not been nice with it with difficult child. And while I could come up with nicer table conversation topics in family dinners between main course and dessert than my cheating ways, I'm sure it hurts difficult child's feelings far worse than mine. Not that mother in law usually says anything straightforward any more, she just implies. And if confronted, plays dumb. But there has been times when I can see how also difficult child just waits for the first comment to come and flinches when the first one hits. And that breaks my heart. Easy solution would be not to have a dinner with mother in law, but unfortunately that is not quite so easy. I could of course decline, but husband and our sons do want to do it anyway. [/QUOTE]
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