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Sigh....difficult child friend's. Never could stand them
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 636154" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have a very simple solution, which I used when I was not happy with my daughter's drug using friends.</p><p></p><p>My house, I choose who can come in. I really did want my daughter to have NICE friends, who obeyed the law, but she didn't have nice friends who obeyed the law. If I won't allow my adult kids to be rude to me, I'm certainly not going to allow rude other adults to be rude to me. Even if they just bother me, difficult child can take them out for coffee or for a walk.</p><p></p><p>It is not your business is difficult child is being used or not. You don't know the dynamics of the relationship (drug buddies?). We know very little about our difficult children "other" life and they tend to be VERY good foolers and liars. This, in turn, attracts people who are like them.</p><p></p><p>I personally am very sensitive, but I didn't care if my daughter's "friends" who mostly ended up in jail in the end liked me or not. I can't make YOU feel like ME, but why would you care about her approval? Why do you even allow her in the house? Heck, why is difficult child there? Know what I mean?? We set up our own bad scenarios when we allow others, especially our grown children, to treat us like garbage and do what they want yet still live on our dime under our roof.</p><p></p><p>If you can possibly do it, be logical and remember that difficult children are not going to attract nice friends and that these are not people you want to approve of you. If you partied with your son she'd probably think you were the coolest parent on earth.</p><p></p><p>I admit I didn't even finish my first cup of coffee yet <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> so I did not read her whole story of what she did...but partly that is because it doesn't matter. You don't need to allow anyone in your house that you don't like, and I'm guessing that she and your difficult child do bad things together...it's better, in my opinion, for them to be alone to ponder than for them to have friends like this. I can't control who they hang with, but I can certainly control who comes into my own house.</p><p></p><p>Remember...</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The COURAGE to change the things I can (this part is huge for you, hon...and it was once for me too)</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>I would get into therapy or attend a 12 Step Group. You are allowing your son to throw you around and treat you with disrespect and you need to learn how to let go of caring what everyone thinks about you. The latter is not easy, but it is doable with hard work which will take your mind off your difficult child and transfer it to where it belongs...on yourself. You can't change him, his friends, what he decides to do with his life, etc., but you can change yourself. You can learn about boundaries and how to set them and stick to them and why it is good for both you and your son that you do this. You can take the focus off of him and his dysfunctional life. I've learned that when we allow our difficult children to set the rules, they have no respect for us at all. None. And we live that way, with them in control, bossing us around like little tyrants in our own homes, if they are in our homes. He may not like it if you set boundaries or make him leave unless he changes his behavior, but he will respect you more for it and your life will become controllable. O</p><p></p><p>Our difficult children are so young mentally. When they live with us and we do what they say or even listen to their childish arguments, it is like a nine year old is dictating our own lives. That isn't very sane, and, yes, I had to learn it. And learn it I finally have (whew!).</p><p></p><p>Hugs!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 636154, member: 1550"] I have a very simple solution, which I used when I was not happy with my daughter's drug using friends. My house, I choose who can come in. I really did want my daughter to have NICE friends, who obeyed the law, but she didn't have nice friends who obeyed the law. If I won't allow my adult kids to be rude to me, I'm certainly not going to allow rude other adults to be rude to me. Even if they just bother me, difficult child can take them out for coffee or for a walk. It is not your business is difficult child is being used or not. You don't know the dynamics of the relationship (drug buddies?). We know very little about our difficult children "other" life and they tend to be VERY good foolers and liars. This, in turn, attracts people who are like them. I personally am very sensitive, but I didn't care if my daughter's "friends" who mostly ended up in jail in the end liked me or not. I can't make YOU feel like ME, but why would you care about her approval? Why do you even allow her in the house? Heck, why is difficult child there? Know what I mean?? We set up our own bad scenarios when we allow others, especially our grown children, to treat us like garbage and do what they want yet still live on our dime under our roof. If you can possibly do it, be logical and remember that difficult children are not going to attract nice friends and that these are not people you want to approve of you. If you partied with your son she'd probably think you were the coolest parent on earth. I admit I didn't even finish my first cup of coffee yet :) so I did not read her whole story of what she did...but partly that is because it doesn't matter. You don't need to allow anyone in your house that you don't like, and I'm guessing that she and your difficult child do bad things together...it's better, in my opinion, for them to be alone to ponder than for them to have friends like this. I can't control who they hang with, but I can certainly control who comes into my own house. Remember... "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, The COURAGE to change the things I can (this part is huge for you, hon...and it was once for me too) And the WISDOM to know the difference." I would get into therapy or attend a 12 Step Group. You are allowing your son to throw you around and treat you with disrespect and you need to learn how to let go of caring what everyone thinks about you. The latter is not easy, but it is doable with hard work which will take your mind off your difficult child and transfer it to where it belongs...on yourself. You can't change him, his friends, what he decides to do with his life, etc., but you can change yourself. You can learn about boundaries and how to set them and stick to them and why it is good for both you and your son that you do this. You can take the focus off of him and his dysfunctional life. I've learned that when we allow our difficult children to set the rules, they have no respect for us at all. None. And we live that way, with them in control, bossing us around like little tyrants in our own homes, if they are in our homes. He may not like it if you set boundaries or make him leave unless he changes his behavior, but he will respect you more for it and your life will become controllable. O Our difficult children are so young mentally. When they live with us and we do what they say or even listen to their childish arguments, it is like a nine year old is dictating our own lives. That isn't very sane, and, yes, I had to learn it. And learn it I finally have (whew!). Hugs!!!! [/QUOTE]
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