Sigh....difficult child friend's. Never could stand them

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Sep 30, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    So, guess who made an appearance back into my difficult child's life today after two years? One of difficult child old friend who I can not stand. difficult child asked me if it was alright for her to come over and when I say yes, it's because I want my difficult child to have friends and I tell myself to ignore difficult child's friends attitudes because I am older and I am wiser. However, after that wears off, I am going to be honest with you all. difficult child's friends bother me A LOT. They make me very angry, resentful, bothered and upset. I will be honest, I think in this case, this has more to do with me and my mental illness though because no other parent let's difficult child's friends get to them THIS bad. This friend is particular, her and I have a bad history. I did a lot for this friend and she didn't treat me with a quarter of the appreciation I felt like I deserved from her, she is shady and she lies to me. She is actually a good friend to my difficult child, but I don't like the way she treats me. Then I say to myself, it only matters how she treats difficult child, she is not my friend, so why should I care? But I do care and I get very slighted, like VERY slighted. She is in my house right now as we speak and when I saw her for the first time tonight (a half hour ago) I said "Hey Steph!" I was really cheery, because that's just who I am, and she barely said hi. See now that's the crap I am talking about. That's what really sets me off. Anyway, the difference between then and now is that I have a group that I can vent to and get support from. I just don't want my anger to cause their friendship to break. I can admit that I , in some way, don't know how for sure though, contributed to my daughter losing a lot of her friends. I will admit that. I just didn't like them.

    How do I deal with this? Have any of ya'lll really felt bothered by difficult child's friends? However, not because they were into bad stuff, because my difficult child's friends are not into bad stuff. But just were bothered by their overall attitudes? They really make me uncomfortable, depressed, angry and mad. I hate to say it, but they get to me that bad, which I am sure has to do with my own insecurities. I don't think it's normal for parents to get this bothered by difficult child friends.
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Maybe it's them and not me, though....maybe it's both. Her friends have really cocky attitudes, who wouldn't be uncomfortable around that? Bottom line is, that they don't respect me at all and I can tell. They treat their other friends parents with more respect then me and I see it, which causes upset for sure. I don't know why they don't respect me. But in any case, it is the way it is, and I need to learn how to handle it better because one day I am going to freak out and it wont be pretty.
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Ok, now it's all coming back to me. Now I remember why I don't like this little twit. I bet you any amount of money she is using my difficult child for a place to stay. That's why I feel the way I feel. I can sense something is up. Oh hell no, this will not happen again. Last time I let her stay, she didn't appreciate it and gave me attitude on top of it. I don't mind giving someone a place to stay, but you better show appreciation and gratitude or your out.


    Now it's all sinking in, she is going to try to stay here without appearing that she needs a place to stay. She is just going to act like she is sleeping over consistently because difficult child wants her too. See, this is what I mean. I do NOT like to be tricked like this. I wouldn't mind if she needed a place to stay and just ASKED me, but no, she's got to do it in this way which I DON'T like. What I don't like even more is, she doesn't do this to the other places she "stays" at. Only with me. I remember one time her parents abandoned her and I had NO idea, this is when they were 14 years old. She stayed at my house for four days and did NOT tell me her parents abandoned her. They were arrested five states away!! I was so ANGRY that she did not tell me this, and even more angry that she told other friends mom and NOT me. Just withholding information like that from me is such a slap in the face. Like why would you tell other parents but not me??? If I am not good enough to tell, then maybe you should stay at the other parents places that you did tell! What was this girls problem?????

    Edit: Oh, I'm going to be talking to myself all night. It's better that I vent here.... than here in my home and start an argument. You all probably think I'm nuts, but I got to write. I was not joking when I say this stuff really upsets me.
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2014
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I think it really upsets me because it really makes me face reality that no one in my life respects me or appreciates me. So when her friends do this to me, it opens real wounds. They walk all over me and the fact that they don't respect me at all really gets to me deep down inside. I am a fool to them, to everybody.
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry to say, but for me it seems you are taking this too personal and letting yourself get riled up. Try to take a step back and breath, not act on emotion but instead for example put things on paper, give them some thought and draw boundaries based on that, when you are calm.

    What this girl did when she was 14, well... She was a child in horrible situation, you don't keep child in situation like that accountable of if they are able to express their plight or not. You were not equals at that time, she was a child, you were an adult. Let that one go.

    However, now is now. She too is young adult like your daughter now. I assume you are not living in mansion, so your daughter's guests do affect to your life too. If you have mental health issues, I'm sure you need your home to be a safe place and place to rest. Even the most amiable house guests tend to take that away. So it is perfectly reasonable that you and your daughter sit down together, when you are both calm, and come up with rules for guests you can both live with. Maybe something like no overnight guests without talking about it beforehand and only seldom to begin with (for example you can allow it, when her friend from other city comes for a two night visit or something like that and not allow local friends stay the night.) Decide what time you want your house to be empty of guests at the evening, what kind of things your daughter can offer them food wise and what not and so on.

    Don't try to be friends with her friends or interact with them much if they are not looking for it. Just say hi and let them be. If you find them irritating but they are behaving within the rules you have set up to your daughter, maybe go and take a walk. Or go to your bedroom with a good book and headphones.

    Don't place much expectations for your relationship with your daughter's friends. They are her friends, as long as they don't bother you too much, that is enough.

    Both my kids, well mostly easy child because difficult child had so few friends, have had friends whom I don't like much. Heck, difficult child had a serious relationship and was living with a girl I really didn't like and of course at times they visited our place too. We have some house rules and our boys are responsible to make sure that people they invite to our house follow those rules, but that is it. If I don't like an attitude (yes, some of their friends have been disrespectful), smell (yes really, one of easy child's friends reeks for some horrible aftershave and gives me a headache) or whatever of some of the friends I just stay away as long as they are behaving within those rules we have. If they aren't I will ask my son, whose guest it is, aside and remind him about the rules and let them deal with it. It has been only once or twice during the years I have needed to intervene directly and tell the guest to leave.

    But just now, try to calm down and not make it conflict while your emotions are high. Think it through and have a serious conversation about the house rules with your daughter, when you are both calm.
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I totally agree. However, what got me was, she confided in a mutual friends parent. That parent and I are enemies which made it worse. I was really, REALLY, hurt that she confided in this parent, a parent that I REALLY disliked and not into me, the one who had helped her for so long. I felt so silly for being upset about this, but I was. I just was. Furthermore, she took up for the other parent over me. I over heard her talking one day, and it just cut me. At that point, and I thought LONG and HARD about this, I didn't care if she was 14/15 or not. Something wasn't right here. I could see if she kept a secret from EVERYBODY, but apparently, EVERYBODY knew except for me. I was the LAST to know. I found out from a third party just by chance! If you knew the situation of her and her family, you would be horrified. My difficult child was around that for 2 years. I can't say what it was because it would identify me if any of these people ever crossed this forum and read this post. With all that said, I am willing to forgive her if she is willing to have a conversation with me. If she needs somewhere to stay, I require that I be asked and given a reason why and that reason needs to be the truth and answer any questions that I may have. No more with this keeping secrets and pretending everything is perfect like she did before. I truly felt like she wanted me to believe her family was perfect so she could look down on me. That was the FEELING I got. I got that feeling because she would ignore me, not answer any questions, lie to me, just not respect me at all. I even told this to one of my friends just now and she said she can't believe she treated me this way because I am really sweet to my daughters friends and help them when they need help. I guess I feel so taken advantage of. difficult child and difficult child friends really put me through the ringer for a lot of years. They would mess with me on purpose I believe. I won't even tell you about other difficult child friend who is umpteen times worse than this friend. Whew. That is a story for another day!

    Anyway, you're right about writing my feelings down, I guess I am doing it here. This post is like my private journal right now it seems. Maybe it will help someone one day who is going through the same thing? I know I must sound so ridiculous but if you knew what they all put me through....I am just trying to make sense out of all this.

    You got that right, boy you nailed that on the head. I had the PERFECT roommate, and I do MEAN PERFECT and it drove me insane when she was here. Oh my god, you really hit that on the head. I can't take it. At least not right at this point in my life. There would be other times I was totally fine with it. Me and difficult child have way too many problems for other people to be up in our house. Way too many problems. difficult child would disrespect me in front of all of her friends which is why they probably disrespected me. It was horrible.
  7. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I don't know how difficult child allowed herself to scream, curse, spew vileness at me in front of her friends. All the time. It was so damn embarrassing.
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    yeah you're right, I know it's me too. Ugh. I am reading this whole post and realizing how bad sh*t crazy I have been for the last few years due to all the stress. I can wait until all of this is a distant, distant, DISTANT, memory. Oh I can't wait.

    Edit: The friend just left and I went into difficult child room and said if she is going to stay here more days, I need to know what's going on in her life. No more keeping secrets. I can't stand that sh*t. difficult child told me "it's none of your damn business" and cursed me off big time just right now. Big time. Don't worry, it's a matter of time before her life changes forever. I almost out of here.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2014
  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Guide me,

    it seems like since you are the homeowner or renter and it is your house that you can say she can't stay? It would be a good step of learning to stand up for yourself..although if it is already in motion then I can imagine it would be harder. But you should know in your core that it is YOUR choice to have this young woman in your house or not. You are the master of your own fate. Houseguests aren't mandatory. You have a choice. Can you exercise it here? Your difficult child is right that the story of her friends life isn't your long as she stays out of your house. These are reasonable and sane boundaries. Can you try to keep them, or is it too much for you right now?

  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I have a very simple solution, which I used when I was not happy with my daughter's drug using friends.

    My house, I choose who can come in. I really did want my daughter to have NICE friends, who obeyed the law, but she didn't have nice friends who obeyed the law. If I won't allow my adult kids to be rude to me, I'm certainly not going to allow rude other adults to be rude to me. Even if they just bother me, difficult child can take them out for coffee or for a walk.

    It is not your business is difficult child is being used or not. You don't know the dynamics of the relationship (drug buddies?). We know very little about our difficult children "other" life and they tend to be VERY good foolers and liars. This, in turn, attracts people who are like them.

    I personally am very sensitive, but I didn't care if my daughter's "friends" who mostly ended up in jail in the end liked me or not. I can't make YOU feel like ME, but why would you care about her approval? Why do you even allow her in the house? Heck, why is difficult child there? Know what I mean?? We set up our own bad scenarios when we allow others, especially our grown children, to treat us like garbage and do what they want yet still live on our dime under our roof.

    If you can possibly do it, be logical and remember that difficult children are not going to attract nice friends and that these are not people you want to approve of you. If you partied with your son she'd probably think you were the coolest parent on earth.

    I admit I didn't even finish my first cup of coffee yet :) so I did not read her whole story of what she did...but partly that is because it doesn't matter. You don't need to allow anyone in your house that you don't like, and I'm guessing that she and your difficult child do bad things's better, in my opinion, for them to be alone to ponder than for them to have friends like this. I can't control who they hang with, but I can certainly control who comes into my own house.


    "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,
    The COURAGE to change the things I can (this part is huge for you, hon...and it was once for me too)
    And the WISDOM to know the difference."

    I would get into therapy or attend a 12 Step Group. You are allowing your son to throw you around and treat you with disrespect and you need to learn how to let go of caring what everyone thinks about you. The latter is not easy, but it is doable with hard work which will take your mind off your difficult child and transfer it to where it belongs...on yourself. You can't change him, his friends, what he decides to do with his life, etc., but you can change yourself. You can learn about boundaries and how to set them and stick to them and why it is good for both you and your son that you do this. You can take the focus off of him and his dysfunctional life. I've learned that when we allow our difficult children to set the rules, they have no respect for us at all. None. And we live that way, with them in control, bossing us around like little tyrants in our own homes, if they are in our homes. He may not like it if you set boundaries or make him leave unless he changes his behavior, but he will respect you more for it and your life will become controllable. O

    Our difficult children are so young mentally. When they live with us and we do what they say or even listen to their childish arguments, it is like a nine year old is dictating our own lives. That isn't very sane, and, yes, I had to learn it. And learn it I finally have (whew!).

  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Yup guys, you are about to hear me admit, I had no control over my home. If I didn't let difficult child friends come to stay all those years, there would have been hell to pay. I think that is the deeper issue, that I felt and still feel like I had zero control over my home and my life. I just didn't feel it, it was the TRUTH. I had no control and I am very resentful over that. difficult child has been running my life for a long time. It's almost over though. The question is, can I recover from those years of abuse? My teenager abused and bullied me for many years.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well, I did, but I will never allow him to bully me again. He can't live with me again either. I'm glad he lives a few states away.

    For all that I've done for him (and I'm not whining this time...I know how he is), he refuses to drive my grandson to Chicago so that I can see the little guy. So I don't even know my grandson. I can't drive as far as where my son lives. I have a ten year old!!!! I can't afford transportation. And you know what? I'm not going to do a one way effort for him anymore, even to get to know my grandson. If he won't go to Chicago, which isn't that far from him or me, then I guess we just talk on the phone, right? That is my little vent :). I'm not the only grandparent who doesn't see her grandchild much and I can't control it. I will see my daughter's child and that's that.

    Anyhow, the answer to your question is as soon as you stop being so afraid of your will find peace. If you don't, you are assigning yourself a life of grief and unhappiness as you kowtow to an adullt bully. It's time for you to take care of yourself. You're still young. You have lots of life left...if you take that gift of time.
  13. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    MWM, that is wrong that he will not meet you half way. I think half way is a great compromise. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such selfishness. You would think for his older mother, he would at least do that much.

    You're so right....I wish I had these forums a long time ago when it counted.
  14. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    It counts right now. You count!! Take care of yourself. It is not something mothers do well, but now it is your turn. Do it for your health.
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well I was going to say, "It was 4 years ago...perhaps it's time to let it go. Maybe she was afraid if you knew the truth you wouldn't let difficult child be friends with her and wouldn't let her stay with you."

    Then I read this:
    ...and I decided to say: Who the hell does she think she is? Tell her NO MORE GUESTS - period!

    I know that is easier said than done. I too have been known to say "yes" when I should say "no" just to keep the peace; to avoid a tantrum and have my house be less upsetting. But it's not the right path. I know that and you know that.

    I am a lawyer in civil service. My husband has worked for the Department of Corrections for 22 years. My kid's friends...well I'm pretty darn sure they don't tell us anything. My son has said, "You don't know how hard it is being so-and-so's friend with you as my parents." But by the same token...he has also told one to watch his mouth when he bad-mouthed us and was just last night saying he'd like to smack one friend for the way he talks to the grandmother he lives with. Mine has his tantrums and can use the F-word more times in a sentence than I do in a week, but he never calls us foul names or really directs it AT us...his is more situational, for lack of a better word.

    When he was in high school, we pretty much let his friends come and go as they pleased. I didn't mind. I figured if they were in my house I knew what they were doing. My husband was pickier - he wanted advance notice. I personally wouldn't have cared if I woke up to kids on the couch...assuming (if they were minors and not all his friends were) their own parents knew where they were. Of course, that was when I thought they were good kids - before he stole a bunch of stuff from us, we had to call the police when we found one had an active warrant (that kid never held a grudge at all and understood we really didn't have a choice and actually apologized to us for putting us in that position...I always liked him, bad influence or not), and generally started giving us strokes every other day. When he came home after his year of "college" we told him, "This is our house. We can't control what you do outside of it, but we say who's in it. We liked not having anyone here but us. We are OFF the couch-surfing network. No one stays without (preferably 24 hour) notice and permission. Certain friends are not allowed at ALL because we think they are dealers. Finally, if anyone with a warrant comes in this house...they'll leave in handcuffs."

    I think it's never too late to take charge of your life. People get divorced in their golden years, get college degrees in their 70's and married in their 90's. It's certainly not too late to start living a life free of your kid's bullying ways! In fact, now that difficult child is 18 and you no longer have to provide a single thing to keep her alive unless YOU want to, it's the perfect time!
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Guideme, you remind me of myself quite a bit. I have a feeling you are a few years younger than me though.

    I am an only child and I didnt grow up having a ton of friends. I had 2 or 3 good friends and then several who were friends of friends. Because my mother was completely crazy no one ever came over to my house to play. Never. I cant remember ever having kids to my house. I did go to a couple of my friends homes though and I stayed there quite a bit...thanks be to those parents. So because of the way I grew up I was not prepared to parent boys who wanted friends over all the time. Their dad on the other hand could have kids over 24/7 and not notice.

    I disliked when all the friends came over. I wanted to hide. Remember we share a diagnosis right? So here I am wanting to hide and all these friends are coming in and out of the house calling me "Ma"!!!!!!! I think half of the kids in our area called me Ma. I still turn around if I hear that My kids dont call me that...Im mom or Momma. Personally, I would have preferred it if they never spoke to me at all!
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  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    GM, it never in a million years ever occurred to me that he That's his GFGness...selfishness to the max. His consequence is that his son has no support from his side of the family. Ex always drives to Chicago so grandson can see her family because she feels it is important for him to know them. My son will one day be sorry he didn't do it, but that is his problem. He is one difficult child who constantly tells me, always with awe in his voice, "Mom, you were RIGHT." So be it. I no longer live for my children and I don't know this grandchild so I can't miss him. I will have a relationship with Julie's little girl (shrug). by the way, because 36 was so abusive to Julie in her younger years, 36's son will never know his cousin either. Julie will not see him. That is his natural consequencs. When confronted with what he did to her, he always says, "It never happened (sure, sure) or "I don't remember anything that happened to me in high school." Whatever.

    How convenient to not remember horrible things you did. Wish I had that kind of selective memory.

    I didn't mean to highjack the thread so I will bow out now.