Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Hi all I have not been Frequenting the boards for a while because, I like others feel, I take and do not have much to give, but after last night I am feeling so hopeless, that I can think of no where else to turn right now but here.

    difficult child II (12) is now in Lithobid and it's too soon to tell if it's helping. He had been getting very violent agfain so I felt I had no choice, I am not sure how long it takes to kick in, any opinions? he still has an inhome an BA coming every week

    difficult child I (17) on the other hand is killing me, literally, I am afraid of him. I had the police here 2 weeks ago because he was terrorizing me and out of control and I called mobile and they have his "crisis plan" on file, but they refused to send someone out, even though the police and his in-home said they should. His crisis plan states that if he acts out he goes straight to the shelter, so this lady basically said to my son (by her actions) that the crisis plan is not valid, it's a joke! His case worker went nuclear on this woman the followng day!

    I feel like I am sinking fast...........................S2BX gets out of jail on 12/15 just in time for the holidays "Merry Christmas" , I don't think so..............:faint:
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    It's good to see you again. :)

    Im sorry to hear what is going on and you are feeling this way. Here is a link for that drug you said difficult child (12) is on.

    I hope that gives you some info on how long it takes to be effective at all. I am not particuarly familiar with this drug.

    In regards to your oldest, what can you and the caseworker do since this "crisis plan" does seem to be a joke?? Bare with me on this i am not familiar with this. Yet you need something in place. He cant' have drugs in the home and more importantly abuse you that way.

    You simply don't deserve it. My heart goes out to you.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I've been wondering if you're ok. Lithobid has been the one ddrug that has helped my son the most. I'm not sure how long it took before I saw a change- he actually started on regular lithium but that made him too fidgety and caused him stomach problems so he was switched to lithobid.

    As Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as your eldest, it sounds like this is not going to get better without some major intervention. Not only do you have the problem of him doing drugs, he's dealing them, and he is obviously walking all over you and taking for granted that he can intimidate you into letting him continue. I'm sorry that he has put you in that position. I'm sorry you have to deal with how to handle that on top of everything else. But, in my humble opinion, you are going to have to take a pretty major step here to let him know that it will not be tolerated any longer. I think you can end up before a judge if you don't.

    I'm really sorry....
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hi Amaze, I have been thinking about you, like KLMNO said.

    Also, as KLMNO said, Lithium has been the one and only medication I know works. And it works well. Also, as she said, the Lithobid was more effective than Lithium carb. It generally takes 2-4 weeks I think to really reach a therapeutic level.

    As far as difficult child 1............
    You need to get a CHINS or PINS order on him so that he cannot enter your home any longer.

    Are you still with your parents? What does your dad say or do with difficult child 1? If he is "dealing pot" than he should have enough money to move his bum on out the door and into his own place. Can you do that?

    Just throwing out suggestions. SO sorry this struggle continues. Give the Lithium some time..........and see if that starts to even out difficult child 2.

    Hugs, and good to hear from you.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh Amaze - how horrid! Next time you see difficult child I with drugs, call the police and ask them to come ASAP. If he gets caught by the police then they have to arrest him. You can not live with this abuse. It has become way too dangerous.

    I think difficult child II's violence is partly in response to the tension that difficult child I has placed on your home. difficult child II is frustrated and feels boxed in. He doesn't see that you are trying to steer him in a different direction that his brother has chosen. I don't know this new medication - I hope it works for him.

    You have been in crisis mood for so long. When someone is living as you are, we understand when you don't feel that you have much to give back. Some day you will and because your experiences are so intense and dangerous, someday you may be able to keep another board member safe with your input.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Argh! How awful. I am so sorry.
    I heard that sigh all the way to my house.
    You've already gotten some great responses.
    I cannot add much, except that I would suggest you not act afraid of your older son, as that will give him more fuel. That doesn't mean you can't call the police, just that you are calling them because he is violent. Period.
    I am so sorry for the ping-pong political approach your difficult child's caseworker took with-the in-home person. The one thing you need now is a back-up plan and consistency, not politics.
    I am also sorry that your ex gets out of jail in Dec. You've had the locks changed, right?
    Sigh. {{hugs}}
  7. debi

    debi New Member

    I think we all take more than we give when we are burden with such difficult life circumstances. It is just so helpful to have a place to hang it all out there.
    My son had the exact same scenario happen to him. Caught smoking and caught with a LARGE amt of marijuana. States it was a friends. We found out he was dealing not only marijuana but mostly cocaine. The bag he had was a partial payment from a customer because he did not have enough cash for the cocaine. All of this at age 14!
    My son also calls me a snitch and every other name you can think of. I called the cops on him and his friends smoking in front of our house. Ignore it. Don't let that get to you. Better to be a snitch and really be parenting than to ignore your sons extremely dangerous and illegal behavior.
    ODD, ADHD, etc. etc. have totally taken over my life as I am sure yours. I know the helplessness you feel and I hope that you can find a way to move beyond your sons behaviors and still have a life of your own (I am still trying that and failing miserably!)
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Be SURE to keep calling the police. EVERY time, and esp every time you see him with large amts of drugs. If he is caught with a large amt of drugs and you do NOT insist on calling the police then he can be arrested and you can lose your house. ANY property used in drug sales can be SEIZED, so if you know he has the drugs and is doing ANY part of hte drug sales, including just keeping them there, and you DO NOT call the police, then the police can take your home.

    PLEASE post, we are here for you. In time, when things settle down, you will be able to be there for others. With EACH of us, when we are in crisis we don't have time/energy/whatever to support others. And then, later, when we have resources we share them. THAT is what this site is about, NOT about you having to give support to others when you are barely holding on to a very frayed thread!

    We care about you, we really do.

    Many hugs,
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest



  10. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    I ditto what Adriann and others said about you not tolorating what is going on in your home. He continues doing it because he is getting away with it. Its obvious that you are afraid of him. Have you thought to get with Teen Challenge? Just a thought is all but they might be able to help as far as you being able to call for back-up when needed. Some of these people work in the juv system and know what your dealing with. They can be very intimidating to these troubled kids, And in many cases the kids need that along with major intervention by a team of people that whole heartedly put forth all their effort. Its sad that the system does not seem to work well for our troubled kiddos but even when it is surprisingly working in our favor we all know that our kiddos have to want the help for anything to be effective. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. We parents do not deserve to be treated this way at all.
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You have taken way to much. I fully agree with the others. You need a break, you do not need to be treated this way anymore, it has been far too long.

    I am so so so so sorry. I wish I could send you some strength.
    Actually I am! I am sending you some... and a hug.
    Please don't go so long without posting. You do not need to offer any advice. Just let us know you are ok, OK?
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah, AOG, it isn't just a question of YOU taking this BS, or that you need to think about the effect on your other son, which is important, too, but if you let this go on, it is enabling the older one and the longer that happens the harder it will be for him to come to grips with the necessity of changing, in addition to him losing more respect for you and the rules of society. And, if you stop it now, it could save his life from OD'ing or a car wreck or from getting a very long jail/prison sentence.

    To me, it's similar to if you found a combination suicide note/hit list in his bedroom sitting next to a gun. Do you call authorities who can put an immediate stop to it, or do you walk away?
  13. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Regardless of what happened with the crisis plan, you must call the police each and everytime he gets abusive, verbally or physcially, with you. If he has drugs in your home, call the police. If he leaves without your permission, call the police. He is beyond your help now. It is dangerous to you and detrimental to difficult child 2 to have to live with his behavior. I know that no parent dreams of this for their child, but he does not want to be parented. And you can't parent difficult child 2 like he needs to be with difficult child 1 in the home.
  14. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you all, I am waiting for his in-home to come 2morrow and hoping it can be addressed in a civil manor. When we were in court (last month) the prosecutor made it very clear, next time he's in front of the court he is going for 2 years. I was in tears that day, difficult child I was just po'd at how nasty the prosecutor was. I just can't believe he does not care enough about his life, that he is doing this! I did not raise him to be this! He says he hates me because I am weak, weak for living here with my parents, weak for the way S2BX used to treat me and weak because I am a snitch!

    I really am dying, my counselor has said to me, if I do not move out on my own soon, I am going to die! I look at friends on FB who are my age and holding infants and they look so happy, and I sit here feeling like my life is over and I've failed as a wife and Mother! Sorry I have broken out my violin. But I will be honest with you guys, I have been having suicidal thoughts, and no, I have no plans on acting on them, but it's scaring me that it seems like my only way out of this pain and misery!
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    AOG, hold those thoughts- you know it isn't worth it and it would leave a legacy for your kids that you don't want. You are not a failure for doing what is in the best interest for you and your kids. Think this through. Your eldest is using you- not because he doesn't love you, but because his head isn't screwed on straight. My guess is that he learned a lot of this behavior elsewhere, but at this point, it doesn't matter. If he gets locked up for 2 years, this might not be such a bad thing. Really, what if he died or killed someone or if he continued to live this way and you completely gave way and then your second son became this way or worse?

    Letting this one go for now does not mean that his life is over- I really believe that letting him go on the path he is own is more detrimental to all 3 of you.
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Others have given good advice. I agree about calling the police every time he is violent. Please know we are here for you and we care. In no way are you a failure. It's hard when we hear garbage spewed at us every single day, but you are not a failure. You do not deserve this abuse. I'm wrapping my arms around you in a gentle hug and sending many prayers your way.
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    AOG, I've been worried about you. So sorry things aren't going better. I agree with the others, you've got to protect yourself and your younger son.

    Sending hugs and prayers.