Since everyone else is venting...Im want to vent too

[DammitJanet]

Im so irritated myself...but it is with Billy, my oldest. To put it mildly, he does next to nothing.

He goes to work part-time at his job at Radio Shack. He works around 20 hours a week...average. He sometimes helps by taking Mandy to school or work. Maybe once a week...rarely twice a week. On the rare occasion he might pick something up for me on his way home from work if I call him. That is rare. Very rare.

We had been asking him to give us $100 a month to "help" with the power bill since he has an above average amount of electronics in his room. He did this for about 5 months with no problem. The last two months, he has not been able to pay. The first time, we didnt say anything. It was a bad month, he had a major doctor bill, short hours, blah blah blah.

This last month, I only asked for 50 bucks because the power bill was lower. He still hasnt given me the money and we are halfway through this month.

He hasnt cleaned his bathroom in probably a year or more. It is disgusting. His bedroom looks like an episode of Hoarders. Not that my house is any better but still. He wont help in the kitchen either. Tony asked him to wash up the dishes one day and he got an attitude. Told him it was all from stuff WE did, that he didnt cook or make stuff or even eat much here. Well that may be somewhat true but he does live here and he doesnt pay rent and he does eat here and he does cook...even if he doesnt want to admit it because I see stuff disappearing and wrappers appearing.

I find bowls in the sink, dishes soaking in cold, greasy water.

I am getting fed up. I told Tony it may well be time we need to think about nudging him out of the nest. He balks. He doesnt think he can do it. I try to point out he wouldnt put up with this koi from any of the others. Why should we from Billy? He's special. Blah. He cant make it on what he earns. Well that may be true but what incentive does he have to do better if he has it made here? I realize he seems like he is trying to find a better job but I dont know how much of a sincere attempt that really is...ya know? I think he allows his job to take advantage of him and not go get another part time job at least. Maybe after he gets his taxes back and gets a better car he can look for a better job farther from home.

I would force him into moving in with Cory but they cant get internet there and that is a deal breaker with Billy. He has to have internet.

I just dont know what to do. Im forced to clean everything up after all of us because he wont. Tony isnt here. It isnt fair to expect Tony to do it all when he is out of town working darned hard all week.

 

[gcvmom]

Are there any potential roommates Billy could hook up with? That might be one way to transition him toward independence.

 

[susiestar]

Janet, have Tony get some locks for you. Lock the cabinets. Put a chain around the fridge. If Billy doesn't eat he won't need access. If he does, well, then he can do dishes to get access to the food. Do to Get, remember?

It is very unrealistic for Billy to be able to live somewhere, get internet and electric for all his stuff, free room and board and only pay $100. You are not teaching him to be an adult, you are keeping him a child with this system.

Is he capable of working more than twenty hours? If so, charge him like he is not working part time. Until he has real obligations, faces having his electric turned off and/or being hungry/evicted, he will NOT pony up the money.

I would turn the breaker to his room OFF and leave him with-o power/internet. Until he pays this month AND a hefty penalty. It is a real world consequence for not paying the electric.

You may want to sign Billy up for a group home if any are available. Something to motivate him to do more with his life. heck, I know a woman who is about eight years older than I am. She cannot live alone. Her parents are not well educated (her mom cannot read enough to grocery shop alone) and they did not know enough to push her to handle more. They kept rules in place like making her ask to go outside even when she was thirty. But she has worked full time since she was 16. She did finish a special program and graduate high school. For many years her dad would be laid off a few weeks here, a month or two there. She gave her entire check to her parents to pay the mortgage and the bills. she may have just been a dishwasher, but after being one in the same place for fifteen years she earned a decent wage.

Her parents only started NOT taking her entire check when her older bro convinced them she would have to handle cash after they died, so she needed to learn soon.

Billy is more capable than this. MUCH more capable. No way is he moderately retarded. He has figured out that if he just doesn't bring the money up and he gets an attitude about chores then he can spend all his money on whatever AND he can avoid all chores.

At the very least you need to push him to do some things to contribute to the household. It has to be a battle YOU are willing to fight because Tony is gone so much of the week.

Decide what consequences you are willing to impose, and how to impose them with the least effort on YOUR part. Let Billy know that if he pushes you on this he can go live with Cory with-o the internet. It would beat being homeless, which is where you end up if you will not even pay fifty bucks in rent. Make sure he knows that homeless people have no internet OR computers. Same for shelters.

Regardless of his challenges, Billy must live in the real world. You and Tony will not be there forever. Your job as parents is to prepare him to handle the world when you are gone. in my opinion, anyway.

 

[DammitJanet]

Susie...that is my thinking.

Tony, on the other hand, consistently brings up the fact (or his version of the facts) that I "need" someone with me while he is not at home. To prove this apparent need, he pulls out the card that had Billy not been here when I became sick with the meningitis, I wouldnt be alive right now. Ok...point made. But...that could have happened to anyone, at anytime.

Plus...if I hadnt brought up the point to Tony the day before that I was horribly sick and the doctors had put me on substantial amounts of steroids and that I was very worried about that fact and I wanted him to call me several times to check on me...well...Tony wouldnt have called me and not had me not answer the phone and become alarmed enough to call Billy and have him go check on me! If he had waited for Billy to go in and check on me on his own, well, I would have probably have died anyway! Billy doesnt just check on me on his own.

If he is so worried, hire a nurse! Or lets get another wife..I could use the help...lol.

 

[Shari]

Hey, I'm in the market for another wife, too! Let me know if you find one!

 

[Hound dog]

Sounds like you're looking at the same situation we did with Travis before he headed off to college. He couldn't make enough money on his own to really afford a place to live......well, maybe he could but it would've meant some real budgeting on his part.

Billy will never know if he can maintain independence if he never attempts it.

I can't nudge Travis out of the nest until I see what is going to happen with college. Cuz it's stupid for him to rent an apt for just a couple of months on summer break only to go back to school. But if he doesn't continue at the 4 year college he is going to find himself nudged out of the nest fairly quickly. He hasn't done a bad job in his apartment up there and with managing his funds. Not perfect......maybe not even great, but not horrible either. He's managed to feed himself without burning the place down and actually keep it clean. (a miracle)

I dunno. Maybe you 3 could sit down and come up with short term and long term goals for Billy to eventually progress into his own home. This isn't always easy with a difficult child who is comfortable living at home. I just had to come out and tell Nichole she was moving out before such and such a date and she'd better have her ducks in a row by then. If I hadn't done it that way, she'd have probably still been trying to live here at 30. lol Why not? In her opinion she had it made.

Hugs