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single mom at a loss with my 17 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 464238"><p>{hugs} I know your head must be reeling now. Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea and be good to yourself. My answer is long, so I apologize but I want to make sure I cover as many bases as I can </p><p> </p><p>Ive been in a similar situation my difficult child was 16 and a varsity football player when he received an underage drinking citation and we learned he was experimenting with drugs. Your son is still underage, so its important that you act quickly while you still have some legal authority over him.</p><p> </p><p>I think your first step is to contact your sons doctor. Ask for a recommendation for a place to start and a list of resources. Try googling ATOD and the name of your community. Many ATOD programs are a great place to start and they often work with local law enforcement. IME, programs are used to dealing with teens who resist and they will be able to guide you if your son is less than cooperative. That was our first step. We had him screened-he took the SASSI (substance abuse assessment) and we went from there. Local ATOD programs are usually well versed in local law and know the officers, judges and prosecutors. Perhaps you son can be given a civil citation instead of a criminal arrest? That would still give the courts some authority without giving him a criminal history. In our case, ds had to go to court for his citation and based upon our ATODs recommendation directly to the judge, he was ordered to undergo therapy and if he did not comply, he would lose his drivers license. He was on probation for a year.</p><p> </p><p>Laws and athletic codes differ by region, so you need to check into yours specifically. I would guess that the pot smoking has violated the state and the school athletic code. In our state both the parents & the player have to sign the code which includes a clause promising to self-report violations. Read your schools handbook to find out how they deal with code violations. Since my difficult child had a citation, it was reported by the police as well but he and his dad went the very next day to report it to the coaches and later that day, my difficult child had to address the entire team. Per the code, he was benched for 2 games plus he lost his special teams position. Were fortunate to have excellent men as coaches and they walk the fine line that incorporates both discipline and disapproval while at the same time does not isolate the kid plus forms a protective circle around him to encourage him to stay out of trouble. difficult child also had to complete a 6 week anti drug/alcohol program at school. If you dont think your sons coaches would be helpful (I know some coaches can be hard butts, while others sweep things under the rug to avoid losing a valuable player) I suggest calling the school social worker. You can even do it anonymously if you think its best. Tell them that your son is engaging in risky behavior and you are really concerned and get a recommendation of where to start. They are usually well versed in local resources.</p><p> </p><p>For my own difficult child, the thought of losing football AND his license was enough to keep him clean for the next two years. I wish it was enough to keep him clean for a lifetime, but I have to hope those 2 clean years (including the therapy) will be meaningful at some point and hell come back to me.</p><p> </p><p>In the meantime, install a deadbolt on your bedroom door. If you start contacting any and all resources now, perhaps you can get some really good advice as to what you should do when your son comes home. I have no idea how to advise you there. I know you must feel awful. The officer who took the report may also have some resources or advice for you.</p><p> </p><p>I know many people may think you should kick him out, but I really think its important to try to get him some help while you still can.</p><p> </p><p>Good luck and {hugs}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 464238"] {hugs} I know your head must be reeling now. Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea and be good to yourself. My answer is long, so I apologize but I want to make sure I cover as many bases as I can Ive been in a similar situation my difficult child was 16 and a varsity football player when he received an underage drinking citation and we learned he was experimenting with drugs. Your son is still underage, so its important that you act quickly while you still have some legal authority over him. I think your first step is to contact your sons doctor. Ask for a recommendation for a place to start and a list of resources. Try googling ATOD and the name of your community. Many ATOD programs are a great place to start and they often work with local law enforcement. IME, programs are used to dealing with teens who resist and they will be able to guide you if your son is less than cooperative. That was our first step. We had him screened-he took the SASSI (substance abuse assessment) and we went from there. Local ATOD programs are usually well versed in local law and know the officers, judges and prosecutors. Perhaps you son can be given a civil citation instead of a criminal arrest? That would still give the courts some authority without giving him a criminal history. In our case, ds had to go to court for his citation and based upon our ATODs recommendation directly to the judge, he was ordered to undergo therapy and if he did not comply, he would lose his drivers license. He was on probation for a year. Laws and athletic codes differ by region, so you need to check into yours specifically. I would guess that the pot smoking has violated the state and the school athletic code. In our state both the parents & the player have to sign the code which includes a clause promising to self-report violations. Read your schools handbook to find out how they deal with code violations. Since my difficult child had a citation, it was reported by the police as well but he and his dad went the very next day to report it to the coaches and later that day, my difficult child had to address the entire team. Per the code, he was benched for 2 games plus he lost his special teams position. Were fortunate to have excellent men as coaches and they walk the fine line that incorporates both discipline and disapproval while at the same time does not isolate the kid plus forms a protective circle around him to encourage him to stay out of trouble. difficult child also had to complete a 6 week anti drug/alcohol program at school. If you dont think your sons coaches would be helpful (I know some coaches can be hard butts, while others sweep things under the rug to avoid losing a valuable player) I suggest calling the school social worker. You can even do it anonymously if you think its best. Tell them that your son is engaging in risky behavior and you are really concerned and get a recommendation of where to start. They are usually well versed in local resources. For my own difficult child, the thought of losing football AND his license was enough to keep him clean for the next two years. I wish it was enough to keep him clean for a lifetime, but I have to hope those 2 clean years (including the therapy) will be meaningful at some point and hell come back to me. In the meantime, install a deadbolt on your bedroom door. If you start contacting any and all resources now, perhaps you can get some really good advice as to what you should do when your son comes home. I have no idea how to advise you there. I know you must feel awful. The officer who took the report may also have some resources or advice for you. I know many people may think you should kick him out, but I really think its important to try to get him some help while you still can. Good luck and {hugs} [/QUOTE]
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