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Sister out of house, what rights do we have with her stuff?
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<blockquote data-quote="hamsterdance" data-source="post: 714649" data-attributes="member: 22048"><p>The interesting thing about mental health care in Texas... they spend a lot of time and money taking care of the patient... but no one offers any help to the caretakers, family, etc.</p><p></p><p>My parents have dealt with her for 20 years... but only the past 5 has been with her being diagnosed and getting help and then spiraling out of control again.</p><p></p><p>Nobody has offered any counselling to my parents. It could be that it's because my parents are the kings of "we don't talk about that kind of stuff to strangers". My dad does not discuss things. Former military, engineer, left-brained... he does not discuss his feelings or emotions or such. My mom is very pent-up. Even when she was having her stroke, you asked her "what's wrong?" and her reply is always "everything's fine... it's fine." Speaking with my mom now, she's finally opening up to me. Turns out my sister was verbally abusing my mom for about a year now... my mom didn't tell my dad. She just put up with it... but it was escalating and getting to the point that she was worried about being physically attacked. In a way, she kept her mouth shut because ... the way my dad handles things is "we'll deal with it", so I guess my mom figured if she told on my sister then my dad would try to handle it himself... my sister would get an earful and some threats of calling the cops... but then my dad would have to go to the grocery store some time... and it would be weeks or months... but he'd eventually leave my sister and mom alone at home ... and my mom figured that would be the time when my sister would come out and make her pay for telling on her... it was like my mom was living at a prison and worried about one of the inmates threatening and harming her and the correctional officer (my dad) not doing enough about it, so she just tried to keep things quiet and smoothed over for a long time.</p><p></p><p>I'm speaking with my mom on the phone off and on over the past day or so... and there is just a lot to talk about.</p><p></p><p>I have so much anger right now.. but then I feel guilty for being angry because it's like my sister has this special "get out of jail free card" with her condition to where I'm not allowed to be angry. So, then I feel guilty.. then I want to cry... because it's like she's died. My family is done with her, and just going to treat her like and adult that the state has to deal with.</p><p></p><p>Her and I used to be close when we were younger, but she was a jerk and bully growing up... always had to get her way. And her and my dad butted heads a lot.</p><p></p><p>She was the only daughter, so my mom doted on her a lot, to the point of spoiling her... so then I get it in my head that she's just a spoiled brat that's had all her problems handled for her by her family, so she's just learned she can do whatever she wants and others will deal with the repercussions...so I get angry again.</p><p></p><p>Then I get angry that my brother and I busted our humps to grow up, get jobs, get out into the real world and take care of ourselves... and my sister turned into this 40-something living at home... and she made life hell for my parents... and now she's out and medicated and happy and oblivious... and we're all stuck dealing with the fall out.</p><p></p><p>It's like "oh, we doted on your sister... and she grew up to be a nightmare...you guys left the house early and learned to take care of yourselves and be responsible... now we need you to come back and deal with all this with us."</p><p></p><p>I was mostly ignored as a child growing up (last child of three). So, I just have this feeling like "you know what, screw you guys... where were you when I was a kid and needed some attention and help and support? Where were you? Oh, right... doting on my sister. Where were you when I was busting my hump in college as a middle-aged man trying to make my life better, and you were talking down to me like I was an idiot for going back to college and trying to make something of myself? Oh, right, dealing with my sister. But now that you need me...you're all 'hey, come back we need you!'"</p><p></p><p>I just want to yell at them so bad.. and it just makes me angry again. I'm just so bleeping angry. About everything!</p><p></p><p>Then I wonder if I'm going to turn into my sister. She and I inherited a lot of the same health issues, so I worry if I'm going to spiral downward into paranoid schizophrenia as well. I'm back in college after being in the working world for 15 years and hitting glass ceilings and walls due to not having a degree. I was trying to stay out of debt, but I decided to go back to college fulltime, because I got sick of no career advancement. I'm in a masters program, and will be like 45 when I graduate with a masters and then I have to worry about rebooting my career and seeing how far I can go... and then I just shudder in fear that ... what if I end up with a mental disorder like my sister...and it throws a huge wrench in my plans. My girlfriend / fiance is in health care, and assures me that mental health disorders manifest in 20's / 30's, so I'm worrying about nothing. But... I still worry. I want to marry my girlfriend, I want to reboot my career... what if I get a mental health disorder and become a nightmare for my girlfriend? I dont' tell her this, but it's one of the main reasons I dont' marry her yet. I'm so worried she will get locked in to a situation that I just don't want her to be in ... I want her to be able to leave me if I go off the deep end like my sister.</p><p></p><p>I'm just so angry about everything and at my sister... then I get so guilty and blame myself...like maybe if I did more for her... but when I tried to be there in the past it just emboldened her to screw up more because she realized other people would deal with her problems and repercussions. There was no accountability. There was no reason to grow up or be responsible. So, I distanced myself thinking "the best help I can give is no help at all"...plus I was hoping by me not being there to deal with my sister, my parents would finally step up and do so. My dad kept asking me "what should we do with her?" I don't know! She's your daughter! Youre' the parents! Why are you passing all this responsibility on what to do with her off on to me?! How the bleepity bleep should I know? You're the parents. YOU do something! I haven't told them, but that's also part of the reason I distanced myself from my family... I got tired of them looking at me like I was supposed to fix their situation for them.</p><p></p><p>Just so much anger then guilt then I want to cry. And them I get upset because I feel so selfish..like "boo hoo me" when my family needs me. But, I'm just upset that once again I have to be the responsible one to come in and clean up a mess my sister made. And she's so medicated that she's oblivious to it all. It's like .. it's not fair... the innate sense of fairness people have in them just screaming "she gets to blow up, screw things up, break things in the house, make threats, etc, etc... but I have to be mature and keep my mouth shut and come back and try to be a positive influence and help resolve things... so grow the F up and get over yourself, dude." But my inner fairness is like "this is a raw deal and you know it, so screw them, screw her." But, the situation is what it is.</p><p></p><p>But... state of Texas... apparently no mental health checkup for the folks DEALING with this stuff... just help for the patient.</p><p></p><p>That's one reason I want to go see how my parents are doing... I feel like I need to act as an ear for them to vent and talk to... but they like to ignore elephants in the room. So, how futile would that be? And then I wonder why that's my job... like... am I able to deal with that. I'm not a professional counselor. I am their son, and I'd like to be there and help them cope, but...</p><p></p><p>In regards to her coming back... she's basically done.</p><p></p><p>My dad and brother changed security codes around the house (like there's a code panel to the garage you can punch in a code to get in.. they changed all that).</p><p></p><p>My first thought was "well, she's not in jail... she can just walk off from the halfway house and walk across the metroplex all day and night back home...sooo..."</p><p></p><p>And my dad was "if she shows up here I'm calling the cops for trespassing. done."</p><p></p><p>Everyone in my family is just done. I guess I was just done sooner then everyone else... but now I have to go back and clean up things ... like how people hear about a hurricane on the news then head over to help cleanup and go "holy (bleep!), I did not know things were this bad! I'm overwhelmed!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hamsterdance, post: 714649, member: 22048"] The interesting thing about mental health care in Texas... they spend a lot of time and money taking care of the patient... but no one offers any help to the caretakers, family, etc. My parents have dealt with her for 20 years... but only the past 5 has been with her being diagnosed and getting help and then spiraling out of control again. Nobody has offered any counselling to my parents. It could be that it's because my parents are the kings of "we don't talk about that kind of stuff to strangers". My dad does not discuss things. Former military, engineer, left-brained... he does not discuss his feelings or emotions or such. My mom is very pent-up. Even when she was having her stroke, you asked her "what's wrong?" and her reply is always "everything's fine... it's fine." Speaking with my mom now, she's finally opening up to me. Turns out my sister was verbally abusing my mom for about a year now... my mom didn't tell my dad. She just put up with it... but it was escalating and getting to the point that she was worried about being physically attacked. In a way, she kept her mouth shut because ... the way my dad handles things is "we'll deal with it", so I guess my mom figured if she told on my sister then my dad would try to handle it himself... my sister would get an earful and some threats of calling the cops... but then my dad would have to go to the grocery store some time... and it would be weeks or months... but he'd eventually leave my sister and mom alone at home ... and my mom figured that would be the time when my sister would come out and make her pay for telling on her... it was like my mom was living at a prison and worried about one of the inmates threatening and harming her and the correctional officer (my dad) not doing enough about it, so she just tried to keep things quiet and smoothed over for a long time. I'm speaking with my mom on the phone off and on over the past day or so... and there is just a lot to talk about. I have so much anger right now.. but then I feel guilty for being angry because it's like my sister has this special "get out of jail free card" with her condition to where I'm not allowed to be angry. So, then I feel guilty.. then I want to cry... because it's like she's died. My family is done with her, and just going to treat her like and adult that the state has to deal with. Her and I used to be close when we were younger, but she was a jerk and bully growing up... always had to get her way. And her and my dad butted heads a lot. She was the only daughter, so my mom doted on her a lot, to the point of spoiling her... so then I get it in my head that she's just a spoiled brat that's had all her problems handled for her by her family, so she's just learned she can do whatever she wants and others will deal with the repercussions...so I get angry again. Then I get angry that my brother and I busted our humps to grow up, get jobs, get out into the real world and take care of ourselves... and my sister turned into this 40-something living at home... and she made life hell for my parents... and now she's out and medicated and happy and oblivious... and we're all stuck dealing with the fall out. It's like "oh, we doted on your sister... and she grew up to be a nightmare...you guys left the house early and learned to take care of yourselves and be responsible... now we need you to come back and deal with all this with us." I was mostly ignored as a child growing up (last child of three). So, I just have this feeling like "you know what, screw you guys... where were you when I was a kid and needed some attention and help and support? Where were you? Oh, right... doting on my sister. Where were you when I was busting my hump in college as a middle-aged man trying to make my life better, and you were talking down to me like I was an idiot for going back to college and trying to make something of myself? Oh, right, dealing with my sister. But now that you need me...you're all 'hey, come back we need you!'" I just want to yell at them so bad.. and it just makes me angry again. I'm just so bleeping angry. About everything! Then I wonder if I'm going to turn into my sister. She and I inherited a lot of the same health issues, so I worry if I'm going to spiral downward into paranoid schizophrenia as well. I'm back in college after being in the working world for 15 years and hitting glass ceilings and walls due to not having a degree. I was trying to stay out of debt, but I decided to go back to college fulltime, because I got sick of no career advancement. I'm in a masters program, and will be like 45 when I graduate with a masters and then I have to worry about rebooting my career and seeing how far I can go... and then I just shudder in fear that ... what if I end up with a mental disorder like my sister...and it throws a huge wrench in my plans. My girlfriend / fiance is in health care, and assures me that mental health disorders manifest in 20's / 30's, so I'm worrying about nothing. But... I still worry. I want to marry my girlfriend, I want to reboot my career... what if I get a mental health disorder and become a nightmare for my girlfriend? I dont' tell her this, but it's one of the main reasons I dont' marry her yet. I'm so worried she will get locked in to a situation that I just don't want her to be in ... I want her to be able to leave me if I go off the deep end like my sister. I'm just so angry about everything and at my sister... then I get so guilty and blame myself...like maybe if I did more for her... but when I tried to be there in the past it just emboldened her to screw up more because she realized other people would deal with her problems and repercussions. There was no accountability. There was no reason to grow up or be responsible. So, I distanced myself thinking "the best help I can give is no help at all"...plus I was hoping by me not being there to deal with my sister, my parents would finally step up and do so. My dad kept asking me "what should we do with her?" I don't know! She's your daughter! Youre' the parents! Why are you passing all this responsibility on what to do with her off on to me?! How the bleepity bleep should I know? You're the parents. YOU do something! I haven't told them, but that's also part of the reason I distanced myself from my family... I got tired of them looking at me like I was supposed to fix their situation for them. Just so much anger then guilt then I want to cry. And them I get upset because I feel so selfish..like "boo hoo me" when my family needs me. But, I'm just upset that once again I have to be the responsible one to come in and clean up a mess my sister made. And she's so medicated that she's oblivious to it all. It's like .. it's not fair... the innate sense of fairness people have in them just screaming "she gets to blow up, screw things up, break things in the house, make threats, etc, etc... but I have to be mature and keep my mouth shut and come back and try to be a positive influence and help resolve things... so grow the F up and get over yourself, dude." But my inner fairness is like "this is a raw deal and you know it, so screw them, screw her." But, the situation is what it is. But... state of Texas... apparently no mental health checkup for the folks DEALING with this stuff... just help for the patient. That's one reason I want to go see how my parents are doing... I feel like I need to act as an ear for them to vent and talk to... but they like to ignore elephants in the room. So, how futile would that be? And then I wonder why that's my job... like... am I able to deal with that. I'm not a professional counselor. I am their son, and I'd like to be there and help them cope, but... In regards to her coming back... she's basically done. My dad and brother changed security codes around the house (like there's a code panel to the garage you can punch in a code to get in.. they changed all that). My first thought was "well, she's not in jail... she can just walk off from the halfway house and walk across the metroplex all day and night back home...sooo..." And my dad was "if she shows up here I'm calling the cops for trespassing. done." Everyone in my family is just done. I guess I was just done sooner then everyone else... but now I have to go back and clean up things ... like how people hear about a hurricane on the news then head over to help cleanup and go "holy (bleep!), I did not know things were this bad! I'm overwhelmed!" [/QUOTE]
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Sister out of house, what rights do we have with her stuff?
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