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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 514362" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>You guys are great, you make me seem less "lost & confused" than I feel. So maybe I'm not quite as lost as it seems. I have wondered if it was maybe a combination mid-life crisis and the loss of husband.....but I did the whole my kids are grown now what thing several years ago. That's when husband and I came up with our plan about visiting places we'd always wanted to see, we even figured out a way to do with with very little money because we both liked to camp out. Fossil hunting, seeing historical sights, investigating caves, going to museums, we'd even planned a cruise for last fall for when his retirement arrived. Yup, me, the woman who loathes boats and especially the thought of them on the ocean.....where swimming to shore would be impossible. (cuz you know <strong>something</strong> would happen, just my luck) We'd even take a grandchild or two at a time once in a while...........</p><p></p><p>DF the bitty baby clothes <strong>were</strong> going to be my next be dream, so to speak.....while at the same time developing lines for preemies. I'd come up with that one because of Nichole's bff losing her first infant son due to being born much too soon and having nothing to dress him in for his funeral. If I'd had enough warning, that baby boy would have been dressed in high infant style. But right now I'm so busy surviving I don't have <strong>time</strong> but to develop one line (and barely time for that), so I've put Bitty baby first as it would likely generate funds more readily. Not that there isn't a need for preemie clothing, but it takes longer to get the word out. My dream was a line of clothing they could wear home. Preemies are much more susceptible to cold than even a newborn and have issues generating body heat. Store clothes (even their so called preemie sizes) fall off a 4lbs infant coming home from the NICU.....infants who are roughly the size of Bitty baby. </p><p></p><p>That just sort of fizzled out when I suddenly found myself needing to find something that would be certain income to pay the bills. It was easier to plan that dream with a safety net under me. Right now, I kid you not, I'm living on <strong>up to 600.00 a month</strong>. Now when I think of putting everything I have (heart & soul & time & energy) into developing the bitty baby & preemie lines, and telling myself this will be my future, it sends me spiraling into a panic attack. So I back off it and decide I'll just "do it for a little cash on the side", because I know squat about running a business......I just know how to make things. And unfortunately taking book keeping ect would probably be of little help because me and numbers don't mix well thanks to the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). (although how I'd pay for such classes would be a whole other issue)</p><p></p><p>Yet, I can't say I'm having much luck on the whole finding a job thing either. Seems employers aren't much interested in 48 yr old stay at home mom's........because they have issues believing such a creature actually does still exist in our modern world and would rather believe that you've had a zillion jobs you just stunk so bad at you don't put them on your resume or application. Or that because you stayed at home for 28 yrs you simply have nothing to offer the "modern world" or worse. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/sigh.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sigh:" title="sigh :sigh:" data-shortname=":sigh:" /> I've had some get a chuckle out of "domestic engineer" but that's about it. bleh</p><p></p><p>If I allow myself to admit it, I <strong>do</strong> want the Bitty baby/preemie lines to be that next big "purpose". It feels "right". In all the hoochie koochie type doll stuff and materialistic geared dolls ect for little girls.....little girls just don't have much to work with on just learning to be a "mommy" in a pretend world with their dolls um "babies". Not to mention store bought doll clothes fall apart almost immediately if you attempt to wash them. And for the preemies, there you are as a parent thrilled with your little miracle and there isn't a darn thing you can dress them in that isn't two or three sizes too big...... I remember my mom complaining (I was a preemie) she had to use some of my sister's doll clothes for me....and some of those were too big. </p><p></p><p>There are days when I think to myself "why not go for it? It's not like people are jumping to hire you anyway." This would be the point where husband would be cheering me on. He was the risk taker, not me. I like to know I'm going to have X amount of dollars to work with at any given time normally. </p><p></p><p>But then that lil dark dude sitting on my shoulder says to me " And what happens once you've put in all that time and work and invested in all that material......and <strong>none</strong> of it sells and you're out of funds and <strong>still</strong> have nothing to work with?" (that dark lil dude is depressing) Then I'll have wasted all that time I could've invested in finding work, or a "career" or whatever. Then I'll be flat broke, homeless........with nothing to show for it. </p><p></p><p>Then there are moments of clarity when I realize that probably anyone thinking of going into business for themselves have the same fears, the same panic, because it is a <strong>huge risk</strong>. So I argue with myself........a LOT. In a way, quite honestly, I don't have anything to lose. I can continue looking for work, I can continue working on that other thing that might turn into a career that I already know I wouldn't be very happy at doing.........and still lose everything because no one will hire someone who hasn't worked in 28 yrs in an economy that totally stinks. Or I can throw myself into the bitty baby / preemie lines body & soul, give it my best shot, and see where it leads.......risk failing miserably, and still lose everything. </p><p></p><p>Problem is, I am NOT a risk taker, I never have been. So this battle has been going on for months back and forth and I'm getting nowhere. It was one thing to think of taking the plunge with husband's support, and the safety net of his income (even if it was rather small), the thought of doing so without a safety net at all (except the very small amount of retirement funds that decrease by an amazing amount via bills each month) is scarey as all hell. * I feel like getting up and banging my head into the wall right now* ugh</p><p></p><p>I'm frustrated as hell. This is the first time ever that I've not been able to make a decision and just go with it. Maybe I just don't feel comfortable making a decision without husband there to give his feedback/opinion after so many years of having him there to do so. Maybe I'm just chicken, scared to death to fail. I dunno. This time I'll be standing there on my own. Lord knows I haven't been in that position in 28 yrs. This is the "lost" thing. I dunno which way to go. I'm standing in the middle of this intersection, the cars are racing down on me, and I just don't know which road to take to get out of the intersection. Know what I mean??</p><p></p><p>Hmm. Maybe I should've posted about this sooner. I didn't realize until this post how much of that "lost" feeling stems from not knowing which decision to make. Nor did I realize how much the bitty baby / preemie line meant to me until now. Maybe that "purpose" has been staring me in the face all this time but I've been too scared of failure to see it. Fact is, I'm going to be flat broke in a couple of months regardless unless someone suddenly decides to hire me. (which they show no signs of doing) That nest egg in the bank will be gone, and I can't pay my bills on 600.00 per month......that is maybe my house payment and phone bill tops....if I really stretched it maybe the gas bill. So regardless, I'm going to be facing that broke situation (which is what panics me) soon. So maybe I should look at it as a "what have I got to lose?" thing instead. Maybe that will keep the panic down enough to let me move forward and give it a shot. Of course I can still look for work while I'm doing it, just in case there is someone willing to take a risk on a stay at home mom. </p><p></p><p>And yes Star, I think I was born 150 yrs too late....... I dunno about the covered wagon bit. One side of my family was already here when you Europeans came knocking......and the otherside showed up long after covered wagons. LOL </p><p></p><p>I think I need you all camped out in my livingroom. This is stuff I'd normally discuss with husband until I had it sorted out. I miss that the most I think. Sort of like having half my brain missing. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/hamwheelsmilf.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hamwheelsmilf:" title="hamwheelsmilf :hamwheelsmilf:" data-shortname=":hamwheelsmilf:" /></p><p></p><p>Thanks. You've no idea how much you've helped, truly.</p><p></p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 514362, member: 84"] You guys are great, you make me seem less "lost & confused" than I feel. So maybe I'm not quite as lost as it seems. I have wondered if it was maybe a combination mid-life crisis and the loss of husband.....but I did the whole my kids are grown now what thing several years ago. That's when husband and I came up with our plan about visiting places we'd always wanted to see, we even figured out a way to do with with very little money because we both liked to camp out. Fossil hunting, seeing historical sights, investigating caves, going to museums, we'd even planned a cruise for last fall for when his retirement arrived. Yup, me, the woman who loathes boats and especially the thought of them on the ocean.....where swimming to shore would be impossible. (cuz you know [B]something[/B] would happen, just my luck) We'd even take a grandchild or two at a time once in a while........... DF the bitty baby clothes [B]were[/B] going to be my next be dream, so to speak.....while at the same time developing lines for preemies. I'd come up with that one because of Nichole's bff losing her first infant son due to being born much too soon and having nothing to dress him in for his funeral. If I'd had enough warning, that baby boy would have been dressed in high infant style. But right now I'm so busy surviving I don't have [B]time[/B] but to develop one line (and barely time for that), so I've put Bitty baby first as it would likely generate funds more readily. Not that there isn't a need for preemie clothing, but it takes longer to get the word out. My dream was a line of clothing they could wear home. Preemies are much more susceptible to cold than even a newborn and have issues generating body heat. Store clothes (even their so called preemie sizes) fall off a 4lbs infant coming home from the NICU.....infants who are roughly the size of Bitty baby. That just sort of fizzled out when I suddenly found myself needing to find something that would be certain income to pay the bills. It was easier to plan that dream with a safety net under me. Right now, I kid you not, I'm living on [B]up to 600.00 a month[/B]. Now when I think of putting everything I have (heart & soul & time & energy) into developing the bitty baby & preemie lines, and telling myself this will be my future, it sends me spiraling into a panic attack. So I back off it and decide I'll just "do it for a little cash on the side", because I know squat about running a business......I just know how to make things. And unfortunately taking book keeping ect would probably be of little help because me and numbers don't mix well thanks to the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). (although how I'd pay for such classes would be a whole other issue) Yet, I can't say I'm having much luck on the whole finding a job thing either. Seems employers aren't much interested in 48 yr old stay at home mom's........because they have issues believing such a creature actually does still exist in our modern world and would rather believe that you've had a zillion jobs you just stunk so bad at you don't put them on your resume or application. Or that because you stayed at home for 28 yrs you simply have nothing to offer the "modern world" or worse. :sigh: I've had some get a chuckle out of "domestic engineer" but that's about it. bleh If I allow myself to admit it, I [B]do[/B] want the Bitty baby/preemie lines to be that next big "purpose". It feels "right". In all the hoochie koochie type doll stuff and materialistic geared dolls ect for little girls.....little girls just don't have much to work with on just learning to be a "mommy" in a pretend world with their dolls um "babies". Not to mention store bought doll clothes fall apart almost immediately if you attempt to wash them. And for the preemies, there you are as a parent thrilled with your little miracle and there isn't a darn thing you can dress them in that isn't two or three sizes too big...... I remember my mom complaining (I was a preemie) she had to use some of my sister's doll clothes for me....and some of those were too big. There are days when I think to myself "why not go for it? It's not like people are jumping to hire you anyway." This would be the point where husband would be cheering me on. He was the risk taker, not me. I like to know I'm going to have X amount of dollars to work with at any given time normally. But then that lil dark dude sitting on my shoulder says to me " And what happens once you've put in all that time and work and invested in all that material......and [B]none[/B] of it sells and you're out of funds and [B]still[/B] have nothing to work with?" (that dark lil dude is depressing) Then I'll have wasted all that time I could've invested in finding work, or a "career" or whatever. Then I'll be flat broke, homeless........with nothing to show for it. Then there are moments of clarity when I realize that probably anyone thinking of going into business for themselves have the same fears, the same panic, because it is a [B]huge risk[/B]. So I argue with myself........a LOT. In a way, quite honestly, I don't have anything to lose. I can continue looking for work, I can continue working on that other thing that might turn into a career that I already know I wouldn't be very happy at doing.........and still lose everything because no one will hire someone who hasn't worked in 28 yrs in an economy that totally stinks. Or I can throw myself into the bitty baby / preemie lines body & soul, give it my best shot, and see where it leads.......risk failing miserably, and still lose everything. Problem is, I am NOT a risk taker, I never have been. So this battle has been going on for months back and forth and I'm getting nowhere. It was one thing to think of taking the plunge with husband's support, and the safety net of his income (even if it was rather small), the thought of doing so without a safety net at all (except the very small amount of retirement funds that decrease by an amazing amount via bills each month) is scarey as all hell. * I feel like getting up and banging my head into the wall right now* ugh I'm frustrated as hell. This is the first time ever that I've not been able to make a decision and just go with it. Maybe I just don't feel comfortable making a decision without husband there to give his feedback/opinion after so many years of having him there to do so. Maybe I'm just chicken, scared to death to fail. I dunno. This time I'll be standing there on my own. Lord knows I haven't been in that position in 28 yrs. This is the "lost" thing. I dunno which way to go. I'm standing in the middle of this intersection, the cars are racing down on me, and I just don't know which road to take to get out of the intersection. Know what I mean?? Hmm. Maybe I should've posted about this sooner. I didn't realize until this post how much of that "lost" feeling stems from not knowing which decision to make. Nor did I realize how much the bitty baby / preemie line meant to me until now. Maybe that "purpose" has been staring me in the face all this time but I've been too scared of failure to see it. Fact is, I'm going to be flat broke in a couple of months regardless unless someone suddenly decides to hire me. (which they show no signs of doing) That nest egg in the bank will be gone, and I can't pay my bills on 600.00 per month......that is maybe my house payment and phone bill tops....if I really stretched it maybe the gas bill. So regardless, I'm going to be facing that broke situation (which is what panics me) soon. So maybe I should look at it as a "what have I got to lose?" thing instead. Maybe that will keep the panic down enough to let me move forward and give it a shot. Of course I can still look for work while I'm doing it, just in case there is someone willing to take a risk on a stay at home mom. And yes Star, I think I was born 150 yrs too late....... I dunno about the covered wagon bit. One side of my family was already here when you Europeans came knocking......and the otherside showed up long after covered wagons. LOL I think I need you all camped out in my livingroom. This is stuff I'd normally discuss with husband until I had it sorted out. I miss that the most I think. Sort of like having half my brain missing. :hamwheelsmilf: Thanks. You've no idea how much you've helped, truly. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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