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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625685" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>CA Mom, I just read the whole thread again. What wisdom there is here. A suggestion: go through the thread and take down the short statements of HOW to do this. You already know WHAT to do. There is a gap between WHAT and HOW, and these tools everybody is listing can help bridge that gap. Sometimes we are just so crazed with fear and grief from all of the relentless, never ending chaos and craziness and the fact that NOTHING we have tried to do has done one single thing to change the situation. That's because WE have been doing the work. </p><p></p><p>One time somebody told me this: When you're more upset than he is about the situation, that is a signal to you that things are backward and out of order. </p><p></p><p>Now, I see it as right when I can set a boundary with him and he's still raging and pulling out all of the stops and I am simply silent or reading from my script. </p><p></p><p>CA, our stories are very similar. My almost 25-year-old son has been "doing this" for years---the last nearly five years the worst. Drugs, arrests, jail, homeless, suicide threats (one time he actually superficially cut his wrists), police, stealing. He cannot come to my house or his dad's house anymore except for a couple of hours at a time at my house upon invitation. This last time I let him take a shower here and I gave him a sandwich. One time. </p><p></p><p>I have gotten here inch by inch and through spending lots of time and hard work on MYSELF. Not him. Me. Once I started turning my focus to me, things started to change. It has been hard, and still is hard, many times, but there are more good days than bad days for me right now. He is now back in jail---I think for the 9th time in three years. He may go to prison this time. </p><p></p><p>The sooner we can stop, the better off we are. And maybe, we are creating a space for them to take charge of their own lives. Maybe not. There is no guarantee. But there is a guarantee that as long as we are doing it for them, it will never happen. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Great. That is huge. My difficult child son will never live here again. Will he ever even stay under this roof for one night? I don't know. Right now No. I would not be able to sleep with him here because in the state he is now, he would steal me blind at the very least. You can't lock up your whole house. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, we love them so very much. If there was something we could do, that would change the situation, we would do it in a New York Minute. Money, time, driving from here to eternity, whatever it took---we would do it. We love them that much. </p><p></p><p>But there isn't anything, CA. There is no one thing or any set of things we can do to change what they decide to do. Only they can change themselves. This is a vital lesson for us to learn. Vital. And we have to keep relearning it because as much as we recover, and as much progress we make, our little busy minds will go to old habits: doing something in the face of unrelenting pain and misery and fear that we have for someone we love so very much who is self-destructing before our very eyes. We have to learn to do nothing. And boy, that is hard. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. Yes. That is my difficult child. He was sweet, kind and quiet---straight A's, funny, lots of friends, a good athlete, until the end of sixth grade. Seventh grade started the problems but they stayed at a dull roar throughout high school. He even played four years of high school soccer on a team with a very strict coach. I think somehow wanting to please that coach and play kept him between the lines, for the most part. He flunked out of college first semester---he was 19. That was the beginning of a decline that would gain steam from then on until his first arrest three years ago. I am sure there is so much I don't know. Just what I do know is more than plenty. It is a devastating story that today I can sum up like this: He has virtually nobody. He has virtually nothing. Before he got arrested again three weeks ago, he walked around town all day with a backpack, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at homeless shelters, talking about getting a job and getting a place to live. There were moments of supposed progress that I saw. And then that Wednesday, he got a job that morning---was so excited and texted me about it---and that night was arrested for shoplifting at Wal-mart. $94 some-odd of food, beer and an X-box controller. He may go to prison for that. I have accepted that, CA. Somehow I have. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I so know this feeling. I am so very very tired of all of this. That is when we are ready for a change, CA. When we are completely sick and tired of our own children and their actions. How can we get to this point? We are vigilant loving people and mothers. But even we have a limit. We are human. We are usually the last man standing, but we are human. And we deserve more than this. That is where the transformation starts to take place: When we realize we are just as important as our precious adult sons and daughters are. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You will do it by working on yourself, by using tools every single day that you learn about, by spending time on taking care of yourself. You will do it by reading this site. By going to support group meetings. By going to a therapist. By buying yourself a bunch of flowers at the grocery store, taking a bubble bath, taking a nap, taking a walk. In Al-Anon there is a saying: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT)? If you are any of those, Halt, Stop and take care of that first. Take care of yourself first. If you don't, you are no good to yourself or anybody else. Back to this: You are as important as your precious son. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not our children. Not our parents. Not our friends. Not our spouse. Not any other person. We must learn (I must learn) to give other people the respect and dignity they deserve as adults to live their own lives, regardless of how that looks to me. Who do I think I am that I have the best idea about what other people should do? Taking care of myself and working on myself to be a better person is a full-time job, requiring my full focus and my full resources. I can't fix anything else for anybody else. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. I posted this week on another thread that I wish God would just tell me that this is always going to be this way with difficult child. Maybe then I could really accept it and deal with it and figure out how to have a relationship ---of some kind---with an active addict. Maybe I could. But God doesn't work that way. He is asking me to trust him, to let go. If I can learn to let go, the decades will come but I will be at peace, knowing joy and serenity and contentment, regardless. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What a great statement. This is a huge thing to think about and I think something we all struggle with. What if? What if he just can't do the things he needs to do to live a decent life? He doesn't have the right number or right arrangement of brain cells. If that is the case, then aren't we responsible for stepping in ? Oh, the agony of these types of circular thoughts that will descend at the worst times and never stop---often in the middle of the night. RE is right. I have actually pulled my difficult child son out of bed---I mean literally---and pushed and pulled him to the car, driving him to an appointment with a psychiatrist, with other doctors, other professional therapists---desperate to find somebody, anybody, who can get through to him.</p><p></p><p>It didn't work. </p><p></p><p>If he did actually get in front of the professional, he sat there and said nothing. He hunched down in his chair and sat there and nothing was accomplished.</p><p></p><p>Oh the desperation we have all felt. The crazy things we did and still do. That was a crazy thing I did---multiple times. </p><p></p><p>I had to try everything, I guess, CA, before I would start to realize I had to stop the insanity. I am a very slow learner. </p><p></p><p>You will start to feel better, CA, if you start collecting a set of tools and start using them daily. I guarantee that. </p><p></p><p>You will not feel better if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I can also guarantee that. </p><p></p><p>Please keep posting. Hugs and prayers and blessings and sunshine I wish for you today. I came to this forum in December 2013. I have grown tremendously using my tools---including this tool---since that time. I still have a long way to go, CA. But I am committed to keeping on. I hope you will be too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625685, member: 17542"] CA Mom, I just read the whole thread again. What wisdom there is here. A suggestion: go through the thread and take down the short statements of HOW to do this. You already know WHAT to do. There is a gap between WHAT and HOW, and these tools everybody is listing can help bridge that gap. Sometimes we are just so crazed with fear and grief from all of the relentless, never ending chaos and craziness and the fact that NOTHING we have tried to do has done one single thing to change the situation. That's because WE have been doing the work. One time somebody told me this: When you're more upset than he is about the situation, that is a signal to you that things are backward and out of order. Now, I see it as right when I can set a boundary with him and he's still raging and pulling out all of the stops and I am simply silent or reading from my script. CA, our stories are very similar. My almost 25-year-old son has been "doing this" for years---the last nearly five years the worst. Drugs, arrests, jail, homeless, suicide threats (one time he actually superficially cut his wrists), police, stealing. He cannot come to my house or his dad's house anymore except for a couple of hours at a time at my house upon invitation. This last time I let him take a shower here and I gave him a sandwich. One time. I have gotten here inch by inch and through spending lots of time and hard work on MYSELF. Not him. Me. Once I started turning my focus to me, things started to change. It has been hard, and still is hard, many times, but there are more good days than bad days for me right now. He is now back in jail---I think for the 9th time in three years. He may go to prison this time. The sooner we can stop, the better off we are. And maybe, we are creating a space for them to take charge of their own lives. Maybe not. There is no guarantee. But there is a guarantee that as long as we are doing it for them, it will never happen. Great. That is huge. My difficult child son will never live here again. Will he ever even stay under this roof for one night? I don't know. Right now No. I would not be able to sleep with him here because in the state he is now, he would steal me blind at the very least. You can't lock up your whole house. Yes, we love them so very much. If there was something we could do, that would change the situation, we would do it in a New York Minute. Money, time, driving from here to eternity, whatever it took---we would do it. We love them that much. But there isn't anything, CA. There is no one thing or any set of things we can do to change what they decide to do. Only they can change themselves. This is a vital lesson for us to learn. Vital. And we have to keep relearning it because as much as we recover, and as much progress we make, our little busy minds will go to old habits: doing something in the face of unrelenting pain and misery and fear that we have for someone we love so very much who is self-destructing before our very eyes. We have to learn to do nothing. And boy, that is hard. Yep. Yes. That is my difficult child. He was sweet, kind and quiet---straight A's, funny, lots of friends, a good athlete, until the end of sixth grade. Seventh grade started the problems but they stayed at a dull roar throughout high school. He even played four years of high school soccer on a team with a very strict coach. I think somehow wanting to please that coach and play kept him between the lines, for the most part. He flunked out of college first semester---he was 19. That was the beginning of a decline that would gain steam from then on until his first arrest three years ago. I am sure there is so much I don't know. Just what I do know is more than plenty. It is a devastating story that today I can sum up like this: He has virtually nobody. He has virtually nothing. Before he got arrested again three weeks ago, he walked around town all day with a backpack, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at homeless shelters, talking about getting a job and getting a place to live. There were moments of supposed progress that I saw. And then that Wednesday, he got a job that morning---was so excited and texted me about it---and that night was arrested for shoplifting at Wal-mart. $94 some-odd of food, beer and an X-box controller. He may go to prison for that. I have accepted that, CA. Somehow I have. I so know this feeling. I am so very very tired of all of this. That is when we are ready for a change, CA. When we are completely sick and tired of our own children and their actions. How can we get to this point? We are vigilant loving people and mothers. But even we have a limit. We are human. We are usually the last man standing, but we are human. And we deserve more than this. That is where the transformation starts to take place: When we realize we are just as important as our precious adult sons and daughters are. You will do it by working on yourself, by using tools every single day that you learn about, by spending time on taking care of yourself. You will do it by reading this site. By going to support group meetings. By going to a therapist. By buying yourself a bunch of flowers at the grocery store, taking a bubble bath, taking a nap, taking a walk. In Al-Anon there is a saying: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT)? If you are any of those, Halt, Stop and take care of that first. Take care of yourself first. If you don't, you are no good to yourself or anybody else. Back to this: You are as important as your precious son. Not our children. Not our parents. Not our friends. Not our spouse. Not any other person. We must learn (I must learn) to give other people the respect and dignity they deserve as adults to live their own lives, regardless of how that looks to me. Who do I think I am that I have the best idea about what other people should do? Taking care of myself and working on myself to be a better person is a full-time job, requiring my full focus and my full resources. I can't fix anything else for anybody else. Yes. I posted this week on another thread that I wish God would just tell me that this is always going to be this way with difficult child. Maybe then I could really accept it and deal with it and figure out how to have a relationship ---of some kind---with an active addict. Maybe I could. But God doesn't work that way. He is asking me to trust him, to let go. If I can learn to let go, the decades will come but I will be at peace, knowing joy and serenity and contentment, regardless. What a great statement. This is a huge thing to think about and I think something we all struggle with. What if? What if he just can't do the things he needs to do to live a decent life? He doesn't have the right number or right arrangement of brain cells. If that is the case, then aren't we responsible for stepping in ? Oh, the agony of these types of circular thoughts that will descend at the worst times and never stop---often in the middle of the night. RE is right. I have actually pulled my difficult child son out of bed---I mean literally---and pushed and pulled him to the car, driving him to an appointment with a psychiatrist, with other doctors, other professional therapists---desperate to find somebody, anybody, who can get through to him. It didn't work. If he did actually get in front of the professional, he sat there and said nothing. He hunched down in his chair and sat there and nothing was accomplished. Oh the desperation we have all felt. The crazy things we did and still do. That was a crazy thing I did---multiple times. I had to try everything, I guess, CA, before I would start to realize I had to stop the insanity. I am a very slow learner. You will start to feel better, CA, if you start collecting a set of tools and start using them daily. I guarantee that. You will not feel better if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I can also guarantee that. Please keep posting. Hugs and prayers and blessings and sunshine I wish for you today. I came to this forum in December 2013. I have grown tremendously using my tools---including this tool---since that time. I still have a long way to go, CA. But I am committed to keeping on. I hope you will be too. [/QUOTE]
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