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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625693" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is an almost impossible concept for me. To this day, I see a toddler first, in my imageries of my children. I feel a rush of protectiveness.</p><p></p><p>And I feel joy.</p><p></p><p>Such a big piece of learning to allow myself to care for myself ~ to even think that I matter at all in the midst of one crisis or another ~ has been to superimpose the imagery of the adult my child actually is over that toddler's face. </p><p> </p><p>I wonder whether all moms do that. I believe that we do.</p><p></p><p>I made a resolution at the New Year to be kinder to myself. It is surprisingly difficult. I don't know whether I could do it at all if one of the kids were in crisis.</p><p></p><p>COM is right, though. Self care is where we have to begin, if we want to pull our shattered selves together.</p><p></p><p>I think I'd forgotten that a little, COM.</p><p></p><p>It is good to be reminded.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Changing the pattern of interaction when our children are in crisis is, for me at least ~ at least for now, for this time ~ impossible. But I have begun changing the dynamic by using terms like "I want you independent" and "You are not a beggar" and "You are doing well." and a variation of "All is well". Or for my son, "You need to stand up and become the man I raised you to be." or "You were raised better."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Taking care of ourselves is an intention, is when we make an intention. It changes the underlying dynamic, changes the words we use, when we think of ourselves.</p><p></p><p>This is a good point.</p><p></p><p>It is my intention to protect and to celebrate and to care so deeply for...myself, for me. Joyfully, I am going to become my own first priority.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Over the years of crisis after crisis, I have developed a PTSD response to peace. There is a tightening that happens, a sort of guarded watchfulness that progresses to full blown anxiety as I try to prepare for whatever it is that is coming.</p><p></p><p>I always feel stupidly guilty when something bad happens. That is the feeling I am trying to prevent. It is fear of that feeling that causes the mounting anxiety. Flashes of PTSD over the phone call that changes everything. It is good to know this, and I will work on it.</p><p></p><p>I think those are the feelings, those underlying anxiety/responsibility/dread feelings, that we address when we make a conscious decision to take care of ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625693, member: 17461"] This is an almost impossible concept for me. To this day, I see a toddler first, in my imageries of my children. I feel a rush of protectiveness. And I feel joy. Such a big piece of learning to allow myself to care for myself ~ to even think that I matter at all in the midst of one crisis or another ~ has been to superimpose the imagery of the adult my child actually is over that toddler's face. I wonder whether all moms do that. I believe that we do. I made a resolution at the New Year to be kinder to myself. It is surprisingly difficult. I don't know whether I could do it at all if one of the kids were in crisis. COM is right, though. Self care is where we have to begin, if we want to pull our shattered selves together. I think I'd forgotten that a little, COM. It is good to be reminded. Changing the pattern of interaction when our children are in crisis is, for me at least ~ at least for now, for this time ~ impossible. But I have begun changing the dynamic by using terms like "I want you independent" and "You are not a beggar" and "You are doing well." and a variation of "All is well". Or for my son, "You need to stand up and become the man I raised you to be." or "You were raised better." Taking care of ourselves is an intention, is when we make an intention. It changes the underlying dynamic, changes the words we use, when we think of ourselves. This is a good point. It is my intention to protect and to celebrate and to care so deeply for...myself, for me. Joyfully, I am going to become my own first priority. Over the years of crisis after crisis, I have developed a PTSD response to peace. There is a tightening that happens, a sort of guarded watchfulness that progresses to full blown anxiety as I try to prepare for whatever it is that is coming. I always feel stupidly guilty when something bad happens. That is the feeling I am trying to prevent. It is fear of that feeling that causes the mounting anxiety. Flashes of PTSD over the phone call that changes everything. It is good to know this, and I will work on it. I think those are the feelings, those underlying anxiety/responsibility/dread feelings, that we address when we make a conscious decision to take care of ourselves. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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