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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 625742" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, my dear friend, reading this made me feel so sad. Forgive my directness here. I feel as if I want to fight for your love of yourself. I believe that thinking is harmful to you. Your children are not toddlers, they are full grown adults making adult choices, you seeing them as toddlers and feeling protectiveness and even joy is far out of the realm of reality..........and I would venture to say, it keeps you stuck in a cycle of self abuse.</p><p></p><p>I don't think all mothers impose an image of a toddler over an adult child's face. I think we do that when we are heartbroken about how it all turned out with our kids. I also think seeing them that way continues the way of thinking that they are victims who require our care. I think it is an unhealthy stance to take which perpetuates our guilt, our responsibility for their lives and their choices and keeps us stuck in continuing to try to fix them. And, helps to keep them babies who can't fend for themselves. If you see them in that way, you are not truly seeing who they are now, who they have become. You are not <u><strong>"seeing"</strong></u> them, acknowledging who they are, their presence in the world NOW. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh Cedar, our kids may always be in crisis. Does that mean that you can never be kind to yourself, or if you were, it would have to end if your kid(s) were in crisis? Why is that an either or situation? Can you love yourself wherever your kids are, whatever they are doing? </p><p></p><p>Everything I've read lately with the Pema Chodron books, all the therapy I've had, all the spiritual teachings talk about compassion and loving kindness towards ourselves being the one thing most of us don't know too much about and what has to change if we are to live lives of equanimity, compassion, joy and peace. Your children do not come before YOU. YOU come first. If you were to continue teaching them that they come before you, you rip them off of their own ability to see that in their lives, that they matter, that they come first. Not from a position of selfish actions, but from, 'I love myself, I care for myself, I honor myself, therefore I can trust the choices I will make about YOU. I will teach you, by example, how to love yourself.' Not to love you more then I love myself, I actually believe that helps to mess our kids up.</p><p></p><p> Loving yourself Cedar, is the greatest gift you can give to ANYONE, in particular, to your kids. I am convinced now, that that is what my daughter needed to see in me, my own love for ME. That gives her the permission to go out in the world and feel good about herself. Not you or I dying under the weight of their lives. Not you and I doing everything to make their lives better while ours goes in to the toilet. Not us punishing ourselves for the choices they make. That is not right. They don't want us to forfeit our lives for them. And, they know when we are doing that. Did it ever occur to you that THAT is why they get so angry at us, that they know that somewhere inside, even if it is out of their awareness, and they hate us for hating ourselves? It's occurred to me as I have emerged out of that dark place myself and began loving myself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>A therapist I had told me that we tend to stay in places where we are the most comfortable,even if it is a horrific place, we know it and we can deal with it. You've lived in that state of PTSD all of your life. From an abusive background to having children who abuse you. This is your comfortable place. Peace is fleeting for you and when it arrives, it will then usher in the anxiety which comes after the next dramatic event. We brace ourselves for that and become rigid and fearful all the time. That is your only experience Cedar. That doesn't make it real. It's become your perception of life and our perceptions become our life. </p><p></p><p>What I had to work on, and this is far beyond my difficult child, is to love myself, to accept myself and to honor myself. These are not just buzz words to throw around, this is a matter of profound significance which must be addressed if we are to shift this dynamic with ourselves and with our kids. This is not about our kids, this is about US. As I understand the act of intention, the intention itself will bring up what is in front of that intention, what is preventing that intention, so that we can deal with it. That can be a tad overwhelming if the intention is as big as to be kind to yourself when being kind to yourself is foreign to you, which it sounds as if it is. You are very kind to us, you are very kind to your children. But you are not kind to you Cedar. Your preciousness has not been revealed to you yet. I believe you have to uncover that. Out of that, in my belief, will come resolutions with how you are with your kids. </p><p></p><p>Putting that focus onto ourselves is the single largest component of healing from enabling or rescuing or over loving or whatever you want to call it. If we focus on ourselves, if we love ourselves, we begin to see the world differently, we make different choices based on operating from a whole and complete self which has the solid stance of inner certainty. </p><p></p><p>You my friend, are like I've been, a women without a center of grounded, solid form and matter because we were not taught to love who we are. That has been my journey for many, many years before my difficult child hit the skids..............it will continue to be my journey whatever my daughter does.............open your eyes to really see the absolute preciousness of who you are..............separate from everyone, your mother, your kids, your husband...............all alone, you are deserving of love and loving yourself. If it feels right to you Cedar, make a commitment to stand firm in your own commitment to YOU, r<u><em>egardless of what happens with your kids or anyone in your life</em></u>. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a life of peace and comfort. And, I am behind you a thousand percent. Right here with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 625742, member: 13542"] Cedar, my dear friend, reading this made me feel so sad. Forgive my directness here. I feel as if I want to fight for your love of yourself. I believe that thinking is harmful to you. Your children are not toddlers, they are full grown adults making adult choices, you seeing them as toddlers and feeling protectiveness and even joy is far out of the realm of reality..........and I would venture to say, it keeps you stuck in a cycle of self abuse. I don't think all mothers impose an image of a toddler over an adult child's face. I think we do that when we are heartbroken about how it all turned out with our kids. I also think seeing them that way continues the way of thinking that they are victims who require our care. I think it is an unhealthy stance to take which perpetuates our guilt, our responsibility for their lives and their choices and keeps us stuck in continuing to try to fix them. And, helps to keep them babies who can't fend for themselves. If you see them in that way, you are not truly seeing who they are now, who they have become. You are not [U][B]"seeing"[/B][/U] them, acknowledging who they are, their presence in the world NOW. Oh Cedar, our kids may always be in crisis. Does that mean that you can never be kind to yourself, or if you were, it would have to end if your kid(s) were in crisis? Why is that an either or situation? Can you love yourself wherever your kids are, whatever they are doing? Everything I've read lately with the Pema Chodron books, all the therapy I've had, all the spiritual teachings talk about compassion and loving kindness towards ourselves being the one thing most of us don't know too much about and what has to change if we are to live lives of equanimity, compassion, joy and peace. Your children do not come before YOU. YOU come first. If you were to continue teaching them that they come before you, you rip them off of their own ability to see that in their lives, that they matter, that they come first. Not from a position of selfish actions, but from, 'I love myself, I care for myself, I honor myself, therefore I can trust the choices I will make about YOU. I will teach you, by example, how to love yourself.' Not to love you more then I love myself, I actually believe that helps to mess our kids up. Loving yourself Cedar, is the greatest gift you can give to ANYONE, in particular, to your kids. I am convinced now, that that is what my daughter needed to see in me, my own love for ME. That gives her the permission to go out in the world and feel good about herself. Not you or I dying under the weight of their lives. Not you and I doing everything to make their lives better while ours goes in to the toilet. Not us punishing ourselves for the choices they make. That is not right. They don't want us to forfeit our lives for them. And, they know when we are doing that. Did it ever occur to you that THAT is why they get so angry at us, that they know that somewhere inside, even if it is out of their awareness, and they hate us for hating ourselves? It's occurred to me as I have emerged out of that dark place myself and began loving myself. A therapist I had told me that we tend to stay in places where we are the most comfortable,even if it is a horrific place, we know it and we can deal with it. You've lived in that state of PTSD all of your life. From an abusive background to having children who abuse you. This is your comfortable place. Peace is fleeting for you and when it arrives, it will then usher in the anxiety which comes after the next dramatic event. We brace ourselves for that and become rigid and fearful all the time. That is your only experience Cedar. That doesn't make it real. It's become your perception of life and our perceptions become our life. What I had to work on, and this is far beyond my difficult child, is to love myself, to accept myself and to honor myself. These are not just buzz words to throw around, this is a matter of profound significance which must be addressed if we are to shift this dynamic with ourselves and with our kids. This is not about our kids, this is about US. As I understand the act of intention, the intention itself will bring up what is in front of that intention, what is preventing that intention, so that we can deal with it. That can be a tad overwhelming if the intention is as big as to be kind to yourself when being kind to yourself is foreign to you, which it sounds as if it is. You are very kind to us, you are very kind to your children. But you are not kind to you Cedar. Your preciousness has not been revealed to you yet. I believe you have to uncover that. Out of that, in my belief, will come resolutions with how you are with your kids. Putting that focus onto ourselves is the single largest component of healing from enabling or rescuing or over loving or whatever you want to call it. If we focus on ourselves, if we love ourselves, we begin to see the world differently, we make different choices based on operating from a whole and complete self which has the solid stance of inner certainty. You my friend, are like I've been, a women without a center of grounded, solid form and matter because we were not taught to love who we are. That has been my journey for many, many years before my difficult child hit the skids..............it will continue to be my journey whatever my daughter does.............open your eyes to really see the absolute preciousness of who you are..............separate from everyone, your mother, your kids, your husband...............all alone, you are deserving of love and loving yourself. If it feels right to you Cedar, make a commitment to stand firm in your own commitment to YOU, r[U][I]egardless of what happens with your kids or anyone in your life[/I][/U]. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a life of peace and comfort. And, I am behind you a thousand percent. Right here with you. [/QUOTE]
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