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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="Ca Mom Losing Hope" data-source="post: 625773" data-attributes="member: 17782"><p>There is so much good advice on these posts that I will be reading them over and over again to keep the fear and grief at bay. I relate to this quote COM posted.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So much fear and grief and the chaos is making me crazy. I love the moments when I know he is content and won't be calling or texting, but i do fear the next shoe that will drop. Always that feeling of what is going to happen next. </p><p></p><p>I haven't posted since Wednesday when i took Echo's advice and text him back just as was stated</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I didn't hear back from him and after work I had a very well deserved hair appointment to cover my natural "highlights". I was just getting ready to leave the salon and my phone rang and it was him. I chose to ignore and didn't answer and of course he kept calling. Now when I got in my truck the phone rang again. When I am in my truck it rings through the stereo. I have a mic in the car, and after market stereo my husband put in so that I wouldn't answer the phone while driving. I wasn't going to answer but for some reason it automatically answered and there I was talking to my difficult child after a very relaxing appointment. It started off well with, hey how you doing, I had hope at this moment. Maybe he was just calling to say hi. After a few words I could hear he had been drinking (MWM is right, it is usually alcohol or drugs) and these calls never go well when he is drinking. After a few moments he started to tell me that he and his father want to buy 5 acres off of my ex mother in law and father in law and start a pig farm. They live in the country and are ex pig farmers so this isn't completely out of the blue. I said that sounds like a good plan, thinking to myself, now how are you going to do that. He then said they needed an investor and would i co-sign for a quarter million dollar loan.:<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite12" alt="o_O" title="Er... what? o_O" loading="lazy" data-shortname="o_O" />: I of course said that I wasn't even sure I could get a loan like that, I know I should of lead with NO WAY, but I didn't want to have the argument. He continued to say yes you could, you are the only one that could. I talked through the option of a business loans with him and that his dad could get a loan, or mother in law and father in law could but he would hear nothing of it and had a deflection for each of them. Then I got braver and just said no. It escalated. He said why do i treat him like **** and how could I treat my son like that. Why do I keep treating him like ****. He began yelling and belittling me so I hit the red button on my stereo and turned off my phone so it wouldn't ring again. I have rule now that I started after coming here when he was harassing us with the 3am phone calls. If he can't be polite I will hang up immediately and block his number through my wireless carrier for 48 hour. So I did and the calls stopped. He left a few messages before that that only solidified my actions. I had 36 hours of peace, it was such a nice evening Wed and Thurs night knowing my phone wasn't going to ring and there wouldn't be any text messages. Well he always finds a way. He called me today during work through Google phone or something that comes through as an unknown number. He denied he told me to F off, and that he yelled at all or was any way not polite. In fact he said I yelled but I had kept calm. We argued, because I never know what to say when he gets this way. Eventually I was yelling and told him if he put as much energy into his life as he does into being angry at me he would be in a better place. He asked me why I cut him off, as though I hadn't just explained it 10 times in this 10 minute call, so my last words were, I haven't cut you off, cutting you off will be what happens in august when I no longer pay your rent and bills. I hung up. So frustrated and angry. He called back, calmer this time to ask about the food again. I said, well you will figure something out, I think he thought I said we will figure something out because he said "cool cool" and then proceeds to tell me that he didn't tell me off and that he had been recording our calls, did I want to hear it? I said yes and he hung up. </p><p></p><p>I hate it when he gets under my skin like that. Like I have said before, vinegar and water. </p><p></p><p>So it has now been 48 hours since the call in the truck on my way home. Even though he called today he didn't cuss me out but he wasn't very polite either. Debating if I should unblock the number. Since he calls with that unknown number, it only stops the texts but actually those are the water board torture tool so that actually does still make it better. It is easier to ignore a call than it is to ignore a text for some reason. </p><p></p><p>I just wish he would call to tell me he has a plan, a plan that is feasible or that he is going to get help or call that school we told him about in his area, or even that this time, he has an interview and is going to go to it. He is going to wait it out until I have to pull that plug in August and I think he is reveling in the thought of the pain it will put me through rather than thinking about the fact he will be out without any resources. I am sure he thinks I will give in before then. I am sure he thinks I wont do it. So that is why this time, with the food, I am not going to call and have groceries delivered, or order him a pizza. I have to show him that I don't give in anymore. Right? <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/confusion.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":confusion:" title="confusion :confusion:" data-shortname=":confusion:" /> Besides, how did he buy the alcohol????</p><p></p><p>I keep this very close:</p><p></p><p>God give me strength to accept the things I cannot change</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can</p><p>And the wisdom to know the difference</p><p></p><p>I will reread detachment tonight too. It is something that needs reading over an over again</p><p></p><p>I am going to spend the time this evening catching up on the posts and reading through your stories for the strength. Courage I will find in the arms of my husband. Wisdom, well we all already have that. We all know what is right and what we need to do. It is the first two where we falter and need to build so that we can use the wisdom we already have. </p><p></p><p>CA Mom</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ca Mom Losing Hope, post: 625773, member: 17782"] There is so much good advice on these posts that I will be reading them over and over again to keep the fear and grief at bay. I relate to this quote COM posted. So much fear and grief and the chaos is making me crazy. I love the moments when I know he is content and won't be calling or texting, but i do fear the next shoe that will drop. Always that feeling of what is going to happen next. I haven't posted since Wednesday when i took Echo's advice and text him back just as was stated I didn't hear back from him and after work I had a very well deserved hair appointment to cover my natural "highlights". I was just getting ready to leave the salon and my phone rang and it was him. I chose to ignore and didn't answer and of course he kept calling. Now when I got in my truck the phone rang again. When I am in my truck it rings through the stereo. I have a mic in the car, and after market stereo my husband put in so that I wouldn't answer the phone while driving. I wasn't going to answer but for some reason it automatically answered and there I was talking to my difficult child after a very relaxing appointment. It started off well with, hey how you doing, I had hope at this moment. Maybe he was just calling to say hi. After a few words I could hear he had been drinking (MWM is right, it is usually alcohol or drugs) and these calls never go well when he is drinking. After a few moments he started to tell me that he and his father want to buy 5 acres off of my ex mother in law and father in law and start a pig farm. They live in the country and are ex pig farmers so this isn't completely out of the blue. I said that sounds like a good plan, thinking to myself, now how are you going to do that. He then said they needed an investor and would i co-sign for a quarter million dollar loan.:O_o: I of course said that I wasn't even sure I could get a loan like that, I know I should of lead with NO WAY, but I didn't want to have the argument. He continued to say yes you could, you are the only one that could. I talked through the option of a business loans with him and that his dad could get a loan, or mother in law and father in law could but he would hear nothing of it and had a deflection for each of them. Then I got braver and just said no. It escalated. He said why do i treat him like **** and how could I treat my son like that. Why do I keep treating him like ****. He began yelling and belittling me so I hit the red button on my stereo and turned off my phone so it wouldn't ring again. I have rule now that I started after coming here when he was harassing us with the 3am phone calls. If he can't be polite I will hang up immediately and block his number through my wireless carrier for 48 hour. So I did and the calls stopped. He left a few messages before that that only solidified my actions. I had 36 hours of peace, it was such a nice evening Wed and Thurs night knowing my phone wasn't going to ring and there wouldn't be any text messages. Well he always finds a way. He called me today during work through Google phone or something that comes through as an unknown number. He denied he told me to F off, and that he yelled at all or was any way not polite. In fact he said I yelled but I had kept calm. We argued, because I never know what to say when he gets this way. Eventually I was yelling and told him if he put as much energy into his life as he does into being angry at me he would be in a better place. He asked me why I cut him off, as though I hadn't just explained it 10 times in this 10 minute call, so my last words were, I haven't cut you off, cutting you off will be what happens in august when I no longer pay your rent and bills. I hung up. So frustrated and angry. He called back, calmer this time to ask about the food again. I said, well you will figure something out, I think he thought I said we will figure something out because he said "cool cool" and then proceeds to tell me that he didn't tell me off and that he had been recording our calls, did I want to hear it? I said yes and he hung up. I hate it when he gets under my skin like that. Like I have said before, vinegar and water. So it has now been 48 hours since the call in the truck on my way home. Even though he called today he didn't cuss me out but he wasn't very polite either. Debating if I should unblock the number. Since he calls with that unknown number, it only stops the texts but actually those are the water board torture tool so that actually does still make it better. It is easier to ignore a call than it is to ignore a text for some reason. I just wish he would call to tell me he has a plan, a plan that is feasible or that he is going to get help or call that school we told him about in his area, or even that this time, he has an interview and is going to go to it. He is going to wait it out until I have to pull that plug in August and I think he is reveling in the thought of the pain it will put me through rather than thinking about the fact he will be out without any resources. I am sure he thinks I will give in before then. I am sure he thinks I wont do it. So that is why this time, with the food, I am not going to call and have groceries delivered, or order him a pizza. I have to show him that I don't give in anymore. Right? :confusion: Besides, how did he buy the alcohol???? I keep this very close: God give me strength to accept the things I cannot change The Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference I will reread detachment tonight too. It is something that needs reading over an over again I am going to spend the time this evening catching up on the posts and reading through your stories for the strength. Courage I will find in the arms of my husband. Wisdom, well we all already have that. We all know what is right and what we need to do. It is the first two where we falter and need to build so that we can use the wisdom we already have. CA Mom [/QUOTE]
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