Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Slowly Breaking Me Down
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625984" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>CA Mom, I think MWM may be talking about me in terms of your question about what you would do if he shows up on the doorstep.</p><p></p><p>My son got out of jail Feb. 14. I knew he was getting out because I was able to call the jail and they told me when. In our state, because the jails are so overcrowded, the sentences are regularly reduced by 30%. They let people out at midnight (horrible practice, but whatever) and they have to be off the property within 10 minutes. </p><p></p><p>I don't pick up my son from jail anymore. In fact, I tell him not to come here when he gets out. </p><p></p><p>This time, I sent him a postcard---they don't accept letters anymore at the jail either---telling him not to come here. But knowing my son, I felt he might come here anyway. My house is about 1.5 miles from the jail where he was (and is again now).</p><p></p><p>So here is what I did. </p><p></p><p>I planned to leave the house that night. My son and his fiancee were here from out of town and I asked them to also make other arrangements. No one was here.</p><p></p><p>On the front porch I left this: A backpack with jeans, t-shirts, a coat, gloves, a hat, tennis shoes and toiletries. I left a list of homeless shelters and resources. I left a $20 bill. I left a bottle of water and some packaged snacks. I left a note. </p><p></p><p>We left.</p><p></p><p>He came. Even though I asked him not to come, he came anyway. The next morning I came back home and it was clear that he was here and in fact, it looked like he laid in the wicker swing on my front porch. </p><p></p><p>We went about our business that day. That night, we were all here staying as usual. </p><p></p><p>At 3 a.m. there was a pounding on the door. What I dreaded and tried to prepare for, happened anyway. It was him. </p><p></p><p>I can tell you I was furious. I opened the front door and I said what are you doing here? He said, blah, blah, blah. </p><p></p><p>I told him to meet me around at the garage. I didn't let him in the house. I got dressed, we got in the car, and I told him I was taking him to an all night truck stop by the interstate. I said I will buy you a meal there and then I am going back home and going to bed. Don't you ever, ever come to this house again in the middle of the night. Don't you ever come to this house again without an invitation. I am sick and tired of your lifestyle, your choices and your behavior. Blah, blah, blah. </p><p></p><p>He tried to interrupt me multiple times. I kept talking. He said, take me to an all-night laundromat. It was closer than the truck stop, so I said okay. I was completely on fire with adrenaline. I was so done with him and all of his stuff. </p><p></p><p>He "couldn't believe.......(I won't bore you with all of the things he said...suffice it to say, it's the usual stuff.....)....."</p><p></p><p>I said: Believe it.</p><p></p><p>When he got out of the car, his parting shot was F___ Y___. </p><p></p><p>CA---This type of thing can only happen if and when you are ready for it. Believe me (believe me), I have been through the unholy wars with him for the past ____ years. It seems like forever I have been pulling, pushing, begging, pleading...you name it---fill in your own verb----trying to get him on the right path. </p><p></p><p>NOTHING. Nothing. NOTHING. Nothing. Works. Not one single thing.</p><p></p><p>He grew up in this house, CA. He was five years old when we moved here from Oklahoma. He walked to school from this house. He played in the creek in this neighborhood. His friends were our neighbors. </p><p></p><p>And he isn't welcome here anymore.</p><p></p><p>But CA, he has created this situation. Not me. Him. I have given him a million chances. Two million chances. I have ignored, denied, compromised, excused-away, defended, blocked, enabled, propped up, supported, believed him for years. </p><p></p><p>Not any more. </p><p></p><p>I love my son so very much. I know that will never change. It won't because I can't help loving him. It is a part of me. It is in my very cells. </p><p></p><p>I would give anything I have for him to be okay. But there is nothing that I have that will make him okay. Nothing I can say. Nothing I can do. </p><p></p><p>I know because I have tried it all. I'm from Missouri, CA, I have to be shown. I can't listen to anybody else and believe their story and take it for truth---I have to try it all myself. </p><p></p><p>I say that sadly and I hope you can be better than I have been. I hope that for you because doing all of this for so very very long has a cost. </p><p></p><p>And a benefit. Here is the good news, CA. </p><p></p><p>We can grow from this horrible awful intolerable experience with our adult children into better people. Better than we were. We can experience life at a richer level than ever before. We can clear away the clutter about what is truly, truly important in life and we can claim an existence that is more meaningful. We can be grateful in a way we never could have before. We can look around and live in the moment and appreciate small things and big things and people and love and compassion and kindness and so many things we never could before. We can truly learn to rely on God (or our Higher Power, however we define that) in a way we never could before.</p><p></p><p>We can be happier people, CA, in ways that we never could have before.</p><p></p><p>The second half of our lives (I'm over 50, CA) can be fuller and better and richer than we could ever have imagined. </p><p></p><p>Regardless. Regardless of what our precious adult children do or don't do. </p><p></p><p>We can choose this. It is a CHOICE. It is a decision. It isn't something that will likely just "happen" because it takes daily work. But it is within our grasp, CA. </p><p></p><p>Don't think you are different from others here. You aren't. You love your child. We love our children. We have been very good parents. We have just wanted the best for our kids. We have made mistakes, but not fatal ones. We are simply human, and we can't be any more than that, ever. We will continue to make mistakes, but with God's help, we will do good things along the way as well.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for coming here, CA. Your situation has helped me. Please know that we care, and we always support and accept whatever YOU decide, no matter what. We are here for you. Blessings and hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625984, member: 17542"] CA Mom, I think MWM may be talking about me in terms of your question about what you would do if he shows up on the doorstep. My son got out of jail Feb. 14. I knew he was getting out because I was able to call the jail and they told me when. In our state, because the jails are so overcrowded, the sentences are regularly reduced by 30%. They let people out at midnight (horrible practice, but whatever) and they have to be off the property within 10 minutes. I don't pick up my son from jail anymore. In fact, I tell him not to come here when he gets out. This time, I sent him a postcard---they don't accept letters anymore at the jail either---telling him not to come here. But knowing my son, I felt he might come here anyway. My house is about 1.5 miles from the jail where he was (and is again now). So here is what I did. I planned to leave the house that night. My son and his fiancee were here from out of town and I asked them to also make other arrangements. No one was here. On the front porch I left this: A backpack with jeans, t-shirts, a coat, gloves, a hat, tennis shoes and toiletries. I left a list of homeless shelters and resources. I left a $20 bill. I left a bottle of water and some packaged snacks. I left a note. We left. He came. Even though I asked him not to come, he came anyway. The next morning I came back home and it was clear that he was here and in fact, it looked like he laid in the wicker swing on my front porch. We went about our business that day. That night, we were all here staying as usual. At 3 a.m. there was a pounding on the door. What I dreaded and tried to prepare for, happened anyway. It was him. I can tell you I was furious. I opened the front door and I said what are you doing here? He said, blah, blah, blah. I told him to meet me around at the garage. I didn't let him in the house. I got dressed, we got in the car, and I told him I was taking him to an all night truck stop by the interstate. I said I will buy you a meal there and then I am going back home and going to bed. Don't you ever, ever come to this house again in the middle of the night. Don't you ever come to this house again without an invitation. I am sick and tired of your lifestyle, your choices and your behavior. Blah, blah, blah. He tried to interrupt me multiple times. I kept talking. He said, take me to an all-night laundromat. It was closer than the truck stop, so I said okay. I was completely on fire with adrenaline. I was so done with him and all of his stuff. He "couldn't believe.......(I won't bore you with all of the things he said...suffice it to say, it's the usual stuff.....)....." I said: Believe it. When he got out of the car, his parting shot was F___ Y___. CA---This type of thing can only happen if and when you are ready for it. Believe me (believe me), I have been through the unholy wars with him for the past ____ years. It seems like forever I have been pulling, pushing, begging, pleading...you name it---fill in your own verb----trying to get him on the right path. NOTHING. Nothing. NOTHING. Nothing. Works. Not one single thing. He grew up in this house, CA. He was five years old when we moved here from Oklahoma. He walked to school from this house. He played in the creek in this neighborhood. His friends were our neighbors. And he isn't welcome here anymore. But CA, he has created this situation. Not me. Him. I have given him a million chances. Two million chances. I have ignored, denied, compromised, excused-away, defended, blocked, enabled, propped up, supported, believed him for years. Not any more. I love my son so very much. I know that will never change. It won't because I can't help loving him. It is a part of me. It is in my very cells. I would give anything I have for him to be okay. But there is nothing that I have that will make him okay. Nothing I can say. Nothing I can do. I know because I have tried it all. I'm from Missouri, CA, I have to be shown. I can't listen to anybody else and believe their story and take it for truth---I have to try it all myself. I say that sadly and I hope you can be better than I have been. I hope that for you because doing all of this for so very very long has a cost. And a benefit. Here is the good news, CA. We can grow from this horrible awful intolerable experience with our adult children into better people. Better than we were. We can experience life at a richer level than ever before. We can clear away the clutter about what is truly, truly important in life and we can claim an existence that is more meaningful. We can be grateful in a way we never could have before. We can look around and live in the moment and appreciate small things and big things and people and love and compassion and kindness and so many things we never could before. We can truly learn to rely on God (or our Higher Power, however we define that) in a way we never could before. We can be happier people, CA, in ways that we never could have before. The second half of our lives (I'm over 50, CA) can be fuller and better and richer than we could ever have imagined. Regardless. Regardless of what our precious adult children do or don't do. We can choose this. It is a CHOICE. It is a decision. It isn't something that will likely just "happen" because it takes daily work. But it is within our grasp, CA. Don't think you are different from others here. You aren't. You love your child. We love our children. We have been very good parents. We have just wanted the best for our kids. We have made mistakes, but not fatal ones. We are simply human, and we can't be any more than that, ever. We will continue to make mistakes, but with God's help, we will do good things along the way as well. Thanks for coming here, CA. Your situation has helped me. Please know that we care, and we always support and accept whatever YOU decide, no matter what. We are here for you. Blessings and hugs today. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Slowly Breaking Me Down
Top