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<blockquote data-quote="flutterby" data-source="post: 354531" data-attributes="member: 7083"><p>The thing is, despite lifelong depression, I *am* an optimist. That's probably the main reason I was able to overcome it. I always find the good in any situation. Sometimes it takes me a day or two, but it's always there. I truly believe that things happen for a reason and the way they are supposed to.</p><p></p><p>But, nothing is changing. And what pushed me over the edge was that I couldn't get into my doctor and I couldn't get treatment for my pain - and was treated like a drug seeker on top of it. I feel/felt like I'm not being listened to, nor taken seriously. I feel the docs don't understand how pervasively this effects my life. How low my level of daily functioning is. What's being done now? It's just bandaids. Yes, I'll get through this flare, but the next one is right around the corner. If it's not pain, it's fatigue; if it's not fatigue, it's months of a fever - or all of the above. I don't ever have good days. I occasionally have a good few hours. Go to the grocery store and that takes care of that then.</p><p></p><p>It took me 2 years to file for SSDI, because I just *knew* they were going to figure out, start treatment, and I would have my life back. I had my ups and a lot of downs during that time, but I never gave up hope. Til now.</p><p></p><p>This flare has pushed me too far. No treatment now nor in the foreseeable future. I don't see it ever ending. I am not interested in living another 50 years like this. Right now, I have the responsibility as a parent to be there for my child. After that, I have the right, I believe, to decide what to do with my body - my life. Maybe, hopefully, when that time comes, I'll be feeling better, have some kind of normalcy, or whatever. But, until then? That is the only thing getting me through right now - knowing that in a few years, I can opt out.</p><p></p><p>I know people care about me. It's not that. It's what I can and can't live with. I'm the one that has to live in this body. But, the waiting and having to live like this until then? ..... Honestly, I think that's where the depression is coming from. You don't live with the kind of depression I had, for as long as I had, with it being as dark as I had and come out of it being afraid of death. You just don't.</p><p></p><p>And maybe I'll look at this post a month from now and go....wow, I was really f'd up that day. But, this is how I feel right now. And how I've been feeling since Wednesday.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterby, post: 354531, member: 7083"] The thing is, despite lifelong depression, I *am* an optimist. That's probably the main reason I was able to overcome it. I always find the good in any situation. Sometimes it takes me a day or two, but it's always there. I truly believe that things happen for a reason and the way they are supposed to. But, nothing is changing. And what pushed me over the edge was that I couldn't get into my doctor and I couldn't get treatment for my pain - and was treated like a drug seeker on top of it. I feel/felt like I'm not being listened to, nor taken seriously. I feel the docs don't understand how pervasively this effects my life. How low my level of daily functioning is. What's being done now? It's just bandaids. Yes, I'll get through this flare, but the next one is right around the corner. If it's not pain, it's fatigue; if it's not fatigue, it's months of a fever - or all of the above. I don't ever have good days. I occasionally have a good few hours. Go to the grocery store and that takes care of that then. It took me 2 years to file for SSDI, because I just *knew* they were going to figure out, start treatment, and I would have my life back. I had my ups and a lot of downs during that time, but I never gave up hope. Til now. This flare has pushed me too far. No treatment now nor in the foreseeable future. I don't see it ever ending. I am not interested in living another 50 years like this. Right now, I have the responsibility as a parent to be there for my child. After that, I have the right, I believe, to decide what to do with my body - my life. Maybe, hopefully, when that time comes, I'll be feeling better, have some kind of normalcy, or whatever. But, until then? That is the only thing getting me through right now - knowing that in a few years, I can opt out. I know people care about me. It's not that. It's what I can and can't live with. I'm the one that has to live in this body. But, the waiting and having to live like this until then? ..... Honestly, I think that's where the depression is coming from. You don't live with the kind of depression I had, for as long as I had, with it being as dark as I had and come out of it being afraid of death. You just don't. And maybe I'll look at this post a month from now and go....wow, I was really f'd up that day. But, this is how I feel right now. And how I've been feeling since Wednesday. [/QUOTE]
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