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So frustrated. UGH!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 610475" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>These sound like frustrating but typical adult difficult child anticsl It can be tough to remember that difficult children are not neurotypical so it is not exactly rational to expect them to react the way a regular person, esp a regular adult, would. regardless of diagnosis or lack of diagnosis, they just don't seem to be wired the way the rational rest of us are. So expecting them to listen and follow advice, or to at least be glad we care enough to give advice is not really rational on our parts.</p><p></p><p>She wants what she wants when she wants it or a few minutes earlier. Without exception. She believes she is entitled to it, and nothing but life's hard knocks delivered by anyone other than her parents will EVER change that. NOTHING you can do will make even a tiny change in her belief that she is entitled to everything without working even a tiny bit.</p><p></p><p>Another mom once said that all she could do around her newly adult difficult child was to 'be a bobblehead'. She would smile and nod a lot, and when she commented it was in short statements that were pretty much a long winded 'uh huh', 'hmmm', or 'is that so'. I think there are a list of phrases in the PE or SA archives. Things like "I am sure you will figure it out.", "That sounds like a challenge.", "How interesting." and other noncommittal phrases that are responses but don't say much. Other than phrases like that, she tried to just smile and nod a lot. </p><p></p><p>It didn't decrease her worry for her son, but it did reduce their conflicts and her frustration. She realized that the only outcome of sharing her thoughts/opinions was to have her difficult child adult son become irate and set out to prove her wrong. As she was NOT wrong, it could only ressult in more problems so it was not productive.</p><p></p><p>I think your situation is similar. You cannot get a positive outcome by sharing your thoughts with difficult child. So why bother? By holding your tongue, difficult child will figure things out for herself WITHOUT first making attempts to prove you wrong. THis isn't 'copping out' on parental responsibilities to your daughter. it is recognizing when you cannot be the force that guides and protects her. It is NOT your fault. It just is who she is. </p><p></p><p>This is hard to do, and incredibly frustrating, esp when we can see and touch and taste and smell and hear the big ole iceburg about to come up and drown their little boats. Once we can accept that telling them that their is an iceburg about to destroy their boat will only have them be more determined to stay on the collision course, we can step back and let them make their mistakes. then we have to make them deal with the consequences with-o riding to their rescue (just as hard a step as the first one, and just as imperative for them to handle on their own,sigh.). </p><p></p><p>The up side of all of this does exist. IT can be hard to see, but it is there. The up side is that our lives will become more peaceful because we will be a few steps removed from their drama and we stop losing sleep, energy, time and our health to their problems. We build our lives around the rest of our world and we allow our difficult children to deal with all the facets and ramifications of the problems they choose to have and/or create. This allows them to learn from their mistakes faster tan they would if we prevented the problems or fixed the aftermath.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 610475, member: 1233"] These sound like frustrating but typical adult difficult child anticsl It can be tough to remember that difficult children are not neurotypical so it is not exactly rational to expect them to react the way a regular person, esp a regular adult, would. regardless of diagnosis or lack of diagnosis, they just don't seem to be wired the way the rational rest of us are. So expecting them to listen and follow advice, or to at least be glad we care enough to give advice is not really rational on our parts. She wants what she wants when she wants it or a few minutes earlier. Without exception. She believes she is entitled to it, and nothing but life's hard knocks delivered by anyone other than her parents will EVER change that. NOTHING you can do will make even a tiny change in her belief that she is entitled to everything without working even a tiny bit. Another mom once said that all she could do around her newly adult difficult child was to 'be a bobblehead'. She would smile and nod a lot, and when she commented it was in short statements that were pretty much a long winded 'uh huh', 'hmmm', or 'is that so'. I think there are a list of phrases in the PE or SA archives. Things like "I am sure you will figure it out.", "That sounds like a challenge.", "How interesting." and other noncommittal phrases that are responses but don't say much. Other than phrases like that, she tried to just smile and nod a lot. It didn't decrease her worry for her son, but it did reduce their conflicts and her frustration. She realized that the only outcome of sharing her thoughts/opinions was to have her difficult child adult son become irate and set out to prove her wrong. As she was NOT wrong, it could only ressult in more problems so it was not productive. I think your situation is similar. You cannot get a positive outcome by sharing your thoughts with difficult child. So why bother? By holding your tongue, difficult child will figure things out for herself WITHOUT first making attempts to prove you wrong. THis isn't 'copping out' on parental responsibilities to your daughter. it is recognizing when you cannot be the force that guides and protects her. It is NOT your fault. It just is who she is. This is hard to do, and incredibly frustrating, esp when we can see and touch and taste and smell and hear the big ole iceburg about to come up and drown their little boats. Once we can accept that telling them that their is an iceburg about to destroy their boat will only have them be more determined to stay on the collision course, we can step back and let them make their mistakes. then we have to make them deal with the consequences with-o riding to their rescue (just as hard a step as the first one, and just as imperative for them to handle on their own,sigh.). The up side of all of this does exist. IT can be hard to see, but it is there. The up side is that our lives will become more peaceful because we will be a few steps removed from their drama and we stop losing sleep, energy, time and our health to their problems. We build our lives around the rest of our world and we allow our difficult children to deal with all the facets and ramifications of the problems they choose to have and/or create. This allows them to learn from their mistakes faster tan they would if we prevented the problems or fixed the aftermath. [/QUOTE]
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