So frustrated. UGH!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by accmama, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. accmama

    accmama Guest

    You would think it would be common sense that if you are doing something that could result in disaster, you would WANT someone to say "hey, if you keep doing that, bad things could happen." Right???? I am watching her make the most idiotic choices ever. Things I know will result in disaster and hardship, yet when I say something, I'm told to go to hell.

    She has this car. It has a dented hood, smashed windshield, it's old and no longer has insurance. Soon, the plate will expire and she will not have the money to have it inspected. It needs to be taken off the road before it gets towed and lost to her forever.

    Not only that, buf if she does drive it without insurance and gets into an accident, then she has to deal with the legal ramifications of that choice.

    Trying to explain this to her is like talking to a wall.

    No. I take that back. Talking to a wall would be easier. At least I could get a full sentence out before being interrupted and being told how stupid I am.

    And apparently she's angry that they can't make their own food in the transitional house. I believe she said something like "they expect us to provide our own food but we can't even cook. We have to use a microwave."

    Um, last I checked, most people had to pay rent or buy a house to have a kitchen. I'm not sure who she thinks she is, acting as if she's entitled to a full kitchen for free when this organization is giving her a place to live for free.
  2. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    accmama, this is where you get to practice your new detachment skills. Once we have given the best advice we know, we have to somehow be able to turn off that worried place. If we let ourselves, our brains will circle and circle around the same issues, looking for a better solution. Under everything we do, even when we try to sleep, we find we cannot let go of that worried feeling.

    Sometimes, it helps to tell yourself you will worry about this again in fifteen minutes, but that for right now, you are going to let it go. In the thick of things, even fifteen free, breathable minutes can mean so much.

    If you awaken at night worried about her ~ or even, as a way to cope with daytime worries, the Serenity Prayer helps. You need to read it until you feel it working. I know you probably know it, but I will post it here for you, anyway.

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    The Courage to change the things I can
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

    Do you think your daughter is trying to decide whether she did the right thing in going into the shelter? Maybe, that is what is beneath her complaints?

  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Probably any one of us could have written that's familiar, chapter 4 from the difficult child handbook.......figure out the most disastrous choice and defend it to the death, make everyone around you wrong while you insult them with your arrogance all the while believing you are entitled to everything without working or lifting a finger...............then repeat the next time............we've been there, done that and I'm sorry you are there too..........Cedar has good advice, detach from your difficult child's shenanigans...................when she speaks to you learn how to say, "I'm sure you can figure it out.........good night." Sending hugs........
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Are you sure you aren't dealing with my difficult child! I think that is the most annoying part. Them not understanding simple english and thinking the whole world owes them something is draining.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    These sound like frustrating but typical adult difficult child anticsl It can be tough to remember that difficult children are not neurotypical so it is not exactly rational to expect them to react the way a regular person, esp a regular adult, would. regardless of diagnosis or lack of diagnosis, they just don't seem to be wired the way the rational rest of us are. So expecting them to listen and follow advice, or to at least be glad we care enough to give advice is not really rational on our parts.

    She wants what she wants when she wants it or a few minutes earlier. Without exception. She believes she is entitled to it, and nothing but life's hard knocks delivered by anyone other than her parents will EVER change that. NOTHING you can do will make even a tiny change in her belief that she is entitled to everything without working even a tiny bit.

    Another mom once said that all she could do around her newly adult difficult child was to 'be a bobblehead'. She would smile and nod a lot, and when she commented it was in short statements that were pretty much a long winded 'uh huh', 'hmmm', or 'is that so'. I think there are a list of phrases in the PE or SA archives. Things like "I am sure you will figure it out.", "That sounds like a challenge.", "How interesting." and other noncommittal phrases that are responses but don't say much. Other than phrases like that, she tried to just smile and nod a lot.

    It didn't decrease her worry for her son, but it did reduce their conflicts and her frustration. She realized that the only outcome of sharing her thoughts/opinions was to have her difficult child adult son become irate and set out to prove her wrong. As she was NOT wrong, it could only ressult in more problems so it was not productive.

    I think your situation is similar. You cannot get a positive outcome by sharing your thoughts with difficult child. So why bother? By holding your tongue, difficult child will figure things out for herself WITHOUT first making attempts to prove you wrong. THis isn't 'copping out' on parental responsibilities to your daughter. it is recognizing when you cannot be the force that guides and protects her. It is NOT your fault. It just is who she is.

    This is hard to do, and incredibly frustrating, esp when we can see and touch and taste and smell and hear the big ole iceburg about to come up and drown their little boats. Once we can accept that telling them that their is an iceburg about to destroy their boat will only have them be more determined to stay on the collision course, we can step back and let them make their mistakes. then we have to make them deal with the consequences with-o riding to their rescue (just as hard a step as the first one, and just as imperative for them to handle on their own,sigh.).

    The up side of all of this does exist. IT can be hard to see, but it is there. The up side is that our lives will become more peaceful because we will be a few steps removed from their drama and we stop losing sleep, energy, time and our health to their problems. We build our lives around the rest of our world and we allow our difficult children to deal with all the facets and ramifications of the problems they choose to have and/or create. This allows them to learn from their mistakes faster tan they would if we prevented the problems or fixed the aftermath.