So frustrated with husband and easy child...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by lovemysons, Jun 16, 2009.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Uhg...this is really just a vent I don't know what if anything I can really do...husband has the "last word" round here.

    Soooo, I go into our guest bedroom this morning, expecting it to be easy child and her BFF...but NO it's easy child and a former "love interest"!

    I told easy child awhile back that I did not want her romantic love interests to spend the night in her room with her. In fact we just had a discussion about this a week or so ago. I "thought" husband and I were on the same page too.

    A week or so ago I told easy child her "love interest" M was not allowed to spend the night with her. She was like "Seriously"...I'm like "Yes, seriously, easy child" She then said this is why she has some "anger issues" and "wants to move out sometimes."

    Ya know, at that point, and knowing the laws in the state of Tx like I do...I just turned to her and said, "easy child You wanna move out, pack your bags and leave you're 17 now and we can't stop you."

    Do you know the VERY next day when easy child was with husband at a bowling tournament that child TELLS ON ME...and says I "hurt her feelings."

    Anyway, so I catch her in the same bedroom this morning with this M girl and I tell her we need to have a talk...she walks into my room and I tell her this is
    "NOT OKAY"...she said, "Well, It's okay with dad, he said as long as I do well in school and in bowling my personal life is my business".

    Uhg...I can see husband saying this too.
    Like she said, it's as if we've "switched sides" ...
    But really I DON"T care if she's gay, fine whatever, getoverit. What bothers me is these "love interests" spending the night.

    And REALLY bothers me that husband trades in his "convictions" as long as easy child is doing well in bowling and in school.

    Anyway, we are SO NOT on the same page right now.
    Very Frustrating. And easy child...UHG!!!

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Tell easy child:

    If your gay, or even bi........Too bad so sad but no one spends the night. Period. That stops any sex stuff gong on that you don't know about or whatever.

    Sorry, but if you're gonna be gay, rules got to be stretched to fit circumstances. Sure she may have a Love Interest. But who's to say she's keeping you informed of the news?

    Nope. I'd ban all sleepovers. She doesn't like it.......see your backside and don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out.

    husband would either get with the program, or husband's life would suddenly become both very cold and a living hades.

    My husband, difficult child that he is, knows to always back me up when it comes to the kids, whether he agrees or not.

    Is it possible her sexual preferrence makes him uncomfortable enough he is just trying to find a way to keep it at a distance from him? By saying her social life is her business........sounds like that's what he's doing. Need to corner him and find out if he'd feel the same way if it was a boy.

    Men. ugh
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    How old are her love interests? Obviously you have to get on the same page with your husband, but I would approach the love interests if easy child isn't listening to you. I would have no problem going up to them and saying,

    "I don't know what easy child has led you to believe, but this is my home and you are not welcome to spend the night here. If this is something that you and easy child need to do you both need to find your own place, because it ain't happening here."

    If necessary I would advise both of them about statutory rape laws.
  4. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Well, YAY,
    I just called husband and talked to him about easy child having M spend the night with her last night...In the same room.
    husband is NOT okay with this, that is NOT what he meant by her personal life is her business. He just wasn't making an issue out of her being gay was all he meant by that. He said he'll put a stop to her having M or any other romantic interest spending the night with her again.

    She's gettin pretty bold this summer...I mean she didn't even ask husband or I if M could spend the night at all...I thought it was K who spent the night last night. K is one of easy child's best friends for life...they've known each other since 2nd grade.

    husband is a bit of an Archie Bunker...but at least he's not being neurotic too! lol

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, at least you're on the same page now. :D

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Did the boys have love interests overnight when they were easy child's age? I understand completely that teens who have not graduated high school should not be sleeping together in your house regardless of the gender. Intimate behavior is intimate behavior. If she is old enough to participate then she is old enough to understand why this isn't ok.
    On the other hand, if the boys were allowed(or just did it) it's difficult to enforce this rule.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Tammy...all I can say is ditto. Your house, your rules.

  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad husband is on the same page!
  9. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You make a good point.
    Oldest difficult child DID have a girlfriend live with us for about 6 months but this was after he was 18. Sooo, we may have issues with this again next May when easy child turns 18 before heading off to college.

    Thank you all for caring and support.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We have been there done that with this one.

    On the one hand, because we live in an isolated village, if people want to come for dinner (especially schoolfriends who don't live in the village) we needed to accomodate them, so it had to be planned ahead of time because no way was I happy with last-minute guests, unless it was an emergency ("the car broke down/I missed the last boat out of town"). We did have a couple of incidents where a boyfriend dropped in "on spec" and was shwon the door. In one case it was sister in law (well before easy child even left home to move in with him) who with his mates, drove for THREE HOURS from his country city through Sydney to where we live, arriving at 2 am! They drove here just for the fun of it and to have a chance to see some of the wildlife our town is known for. And while they were in the area, they decided to drop in on us. On a school night!

    I was NOT happy, but still nicer to deal with on this than husband would have been.

    sister in law never did it again.

    But on the other hand - we often had BFs staying over (and various GFs, where difficult child 1 was concerned). We have a really good spare room, it's a sleepout in fact, where we put up any guests. But try to prevent the kids from sneaking out to sleep with their love interest - a nightmare. Policing it was our problem. And knowing about it, proving it. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was the sneakiest, she would wait until husband & I were in bed and asleep, then sneak out to the boyfriend. And it didn't matter how much we scared the boyfriend - easy child 2/difficult child 2 has "round heels" according to husband. Not that she's promiscuous, but she's always been very sensual, we knew her first serious boyfriend would be hit for six, would be a total pushover for her. She was always the instigator, there was no chance a boyfriend would coerce her. She coerced him.
    But she would sneak out, then in the morning would sneak back in. Or she would say, "I came out to wake him up, I've only been here five minutes, we haven't done anything, what sort of mind do you ahve to think we would have?"
    husband & I even took turns lying awake on watch, or even sitting up in the room next to the back door (which she had to pass to go out to be with him).

    So how do you police it?

    What we ended up doing, since that girl was going to find a way to have sex with the guy, we couldn't keep her on a leash every minute of the day - we simply acted as if she already was sleeping with him (since we were sure she was) and had her to the doctor for the "sexual responsibility" talk. I took her shopping for condoms, I sat them BOTH down (her and boyfriend) to explain about sexually transmitted diseases and what I would do to both of them if either contracted anything fomr anyone, or if a pregnancy happened. We got her on the Pill and I also explained about emotional responsibility.

    The only other option would have been to ban her having a boyfriend, or from ever seeing him. And we knew that wouldn't have worked, she would have snuck out somehow.

    A suggestion - if my daughter had, at any stage, said that her father had said it was OK to have her friend overnight, I would have got on the phone to him at work immediately to confirm this. And my daughter knew I would. She would have argued that she had misunderstood (which I'm sure your daughter will try). You have to be SO carefulas a parent, to avoid ANY ambiguity in instructions because kids like ours will use every bit of leverage they can. Your daughter is likely to rage and claim outrage and 'honest indignation' at husband apparently going back on his word. Trust me, the level of outrage is directly proportional to her own guilty conscience at knowingly bending the rules and interpreting her father's words to support her own selfish desires.

    It is very hard to physically prevent kids from sleeping with whoever they want to, if they are determined to do so. If you insist on "not under my roof," then they will go elsewhere, maybe somewhere not so safe. As parents we can take the high moral ground and say, "I'm the parent, I will insist," but actually policing it, is the problem. We did cop flak from people at church (whose kids were just a couple of years younger than ours) because we finally compromised and let the partners sleep over, knowing that if we did so at least the kids were under a safe roof and not in a parked car somewhere. It also left the kids available to us to lecture and to educate. It meant that when the first symptoms of Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) appeared in the girls, we were on the spot to get fast medical intervention. Interestingly, the critics form church notab ly were silent on these topics when their own daughters grew a few years older, old enough to give their parents the same headaches our kids had given us.

    What I suggest you do - apply the same rules for your daughter that you would if she were NOT gay. The reason we have these rules, is NOT just physical health issues but mental health/emotional health issues, and these are the same for someone who's gay or straight. To be too 'loose' sexually, even serial monogamy, especially when still in mid-teens, is to risk doing too much damage emotionally to OTHER kids. As we found with easy child 2/difficult child 2, we had no concerns for her mental welfare, but we knew her first boyfriend wouldn't cope emotionally if she was too rough with his feelings. Once she slept with him, he was bound to her emotionally, bound so tightly that the relationship became suffocating. When you have sex with someone you forge an emotional link. This means you need to be prepared for the social/emotional consequences of forging thta link.

    Sex shouldn't be trivialised. Kids these days seem to think they have a monopoly on sex, especially casual sex. They act like they own it (forgetting all about the era of free love in the late 60s/early 70s that a lot of us were around for). We KNOW about these mistakes because we saw them for ourselves. Casual sex was championed back then, but there was fallout and many of us have seen it. And with the concern about teen pregnancy out of the equation, it is too easy for a budding lesbian to have a too-casual attitude to sex. But even if SHE is OK with multiple partners, even if SHE feels safe about switching as often as she wants for casual reasons, what about the partners? Where are they at, in terms of coming to grips with their budding sexuality? Are thay as secure in their orientation as she is? And how sure is she of them? How can she be? She can't simply accept what they tell her at face value - if they want to have sex with her, or want her to like them, they will tell her what they want her to hear. Does she have the social sophistication she needs, to really 'know' them and what they can handle?

    The fallout form being too casual about sex can be devastating. If you're the callous one, the one who can love 'em and leave 'em, there is still fallout from having a series of jilted lovers in your wake. It's unhealthy to do this Occupational Therapist (OT) other people. And to experience it - really nasty.

    Gay or straight - makes no difference. But I suggest - a teen lesbian (either your daughter, or her prospective partners) are perhaps more vulnerable, because they have more problems to deal with including difficulties with their own self-acceptance. Any rejection (such as a break-up) can be mentally misinterpreted as personal rejection on a much deeper level.

    She really needs to understand this, if she is to not only understand herself but also to truly love her 'romantic interests' without doing them a lot of harm in the process.

    Good luck with this one. She sounds a real handful on this issue.

  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you Marg.

    I think I'm going to have to get more educated on the teen lesbian situation. There are quite a few things I don't understand.
    For one...Why does easy child choose girls that look/dress like guys? That doesn't make sense to me...why not just date a guy???

    As for the emotional maturity...Generally speaking, easy child seems to have her head on straight. She's a fairly responsible person too...keeps up with her room, her laundry, her school work, her bowling commitments etc.

    I don't know how to police the situation either...I mean I think you're right that where there's a will there's a way...rather husband or I like it or not.

    by the way, easy child did apologise to husband for letting M spend the night here with her...she has YET to apologise to me.
    And as for me, I feel bad that I assumed husband was compromising and expressing that on the board.
    husband is a good man...but he has waffled some in the past with our difficult child sons and I suppose that's why I didn't automatically give him benefit of the doubt.

    Anyway, thank you for your thought out response to me and sharing some of your own experience.

  12. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Does your area have a local PFLAG group? That would definitely be something to look into, and would be a great emotional/educational support for you.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    GOod point, eeky.

    As for why she dates butch girls rather than guys - it's in the mind of the female concerned. It's also in how they see her.

    I'd be worried more for her partners, than for her. But I wouldn't relax vigilance for her, however. She may not be as together as you think.

    Sometimes girls her age are not as 'gay' as they think they are. They are preferring females because they feel safer, boys scare them. I remember in my mid-teens, I got a crush on a female teacher. I was confused at the time, more confused than I realised. My confusion confused me. But I always was into self-analysis - I finally put the phenomenon down (in me) to my out-of-control hormones plus fear of males in any form. At the time I was even terrified of my own father - simply because I hardly ever saw him, and when I did he was always irritable. The phase with the teacher only lasted a few months and nobody knew. Nobody. Not even the teacher. It was terrified worship from afar.

    Years ago before we were married, husband & I were involved in a uni stage production with a high rate of homosexuality in the cast. There was a lot of experimentation going on (which really annoyed me at the time, I felt it was so irresponsible). I'm sure that some of the girls at the time who were openly gay, were not in fact gay, just afraid. One girl who was obviously gay got a few guys hot and bothered, she ended up in a room with about four of them and then she chickened out. Luck for her she got out of the room in one piece. Not fair to behave that way; her behaviour was just wrong, but I think borne of confusion and fear. I don't know what happened to her; I strongly suspect she would have eventually straightened herself out in every interpretation of the word.

    At the same time, a good friend of husband's & mine "came out" and introduced us to her girlfriend. We were supportive of them although again, I could see that there was potential for deep hurt. The girlfriend was badly on the rebound and very insecure; she clung to our friend and I knew the day would come when she would no longer be so needy, then our friend would be hurt.

    We don't know what happened, there has been a very long interval since we lost contact. However, recent contact with our friend shows a new lady on the scene, someone long-term also.

    It is not a lifestyle of choice; it is a lifestyle where you are open to a lot of hurt, simply because for a lot of people who are gay, there is a lot of emotional damage to deal with on top of everything else. Remove the risk of pregnancy and you also get a higher tendency to promiscuity and infidelity. It IS possible to have a happy, monogamous gay relationship, but it takes hard work, committment and maturity (as it does for any relationship). In the meantime, a lot of hurt people parade through your life and disrupt it.

    So the faster the person 'grows up' the better for everybody. She needs to not only look out for her own emotional health, but that of each partner and friend. If she can be considerate of the emotional wefare of her partners, then she will be a loved and loving person in her own right and will be happier in the long run.