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So, I talked to her...
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 138944" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I'm glad you talked to her. I'm sorry you let her engage you for over two hours. I agree that when you use the nice, polite "I feel" and "I want" words, you're setting yourself up for the debates. Try just telling her that the rule from now on will be no guests without advance permission or whatever the rule will be and then hang up. When she calls back, don't answer the phone.</p><p> </p><p>I've been sucked into the drama with my daughter. She could go on for hours arguing something if I chose to respond. I just make my voice flat and tell her this is the rule. If she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. In your daughter's case, if she doesn't like the rule, she doesn't have to come over. I know we try hard to teach our children to be considerate and I know that we teach best by example but we deserve to not be abused by our kids -- not physically, not verbally. What your daughter does is abuse.</p><p> </p><p>For kids like our girls, we have to learn to not engage. To walk away when they try to engage us. It took me a long time, but I did finally learn. I will preface a rule conversation with, "This is not open for discussion or debate. I am telling you that from now on, X will no longer be acceptable in my home or around me. If you don't like it, you don't have to be around me." After that, I walk away. Yes, she'll follow me and try to argue it and I'll simply repeat the rule. I will not get into a discussion about her feelings on the matter. I will not discuss why the rule has come about. I will not discuss ways it could change. After she has had a chance to digest the rule and her objections to it, I will listen if she truly believes the rule is unfair and sometimes even be willing to compromise it. However, when laying down the law, I refuse to engage and I refuse to let her abuse and bully me.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe you could try telling her from now the rule will be that when you tell her a rule is X, there will be no debate about it at that time. Then hang up. I'd love to see her face when the phone goes dead after a simple sentence. After hanging up, go do something out of the house and turn your phone off. If it doesn't ring, you won't be tempted to answer it.</p><p> </p><p>On the plus side, you did get an apology which means that you stuck to your guns no matter what she said and did. I know how hard it is to sit and take it. Sometimes it really is easier to give in rather than go through it all. Good job on not backing down!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 138944, member: 3626"] I'm glad you talked to her. I'm sorry you let her engage you for over two hours. I agree that when you use the nice, polite "I feel" and "I want" words, you're setting yourself up for the debates. Try just telling her that the rule from now on will be no guests without advance permission or whatever the rule will be and then hang up. When she calls back, don't answer the phone. I've been sucked into the drama with my daughter. She could go on for hours arguing something if I chose to respond. I just make my voice flat and tell her this is the rule. If she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. In your daughter's case, if she doesn't like the rule, she doesn't have to come over. I know we try hard to teach our children to be considerate and I know that we teach best by example but we deserve to not be abused by our kids -- not physically, not verbally. What your daughter does is abuse. For kids like our girls, we have to learn to not engage. To walk away when they try to engage us. It took me a long time, but I did finally learn. I will preface a rule conversation with, "This is not open for discussion or debate. I am telling you that from now on, X will no longer be acceptable in my home or around me. If you don't like it, you don't have to be around me." After that, I walk away. Yes, she'll follow me and try to argue it and I'll simply repeat the rule. I will not get into a discussion about her feelings on the matter. I will not discuss why the rule has come about. I will not discuss ways it could change. After she has had a chance to digest the rule and her objections to it, I will listen if she truly believes the rule is unfair and sometimes even be willing to compromise it. However, when laying down the law, I refuse to engage and I refuse to let her abuse and bully me. Maybe you could try telling her from now the rule will be that when you tell her a rule is X, there will be no debate about it at that time. Then hang up. I'd love to see her face when the phone goes dead after a simple sentence. After hanging up, go do something out of the house and turn your phone off. If it doesn't ring, you won't be tempted to answer it. On the plus side, you did get an apology which means that you stuck to your guns no matter what she said and did. I know how hard it is to sit and take it. Sometimes it really is easier to give in rather than go through it all. Good job on not backing down! [/QUOTE]
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