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So, I talked to her...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 139066" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Witz, </p><p></p><p>I don't know if there is a good way to try to get your point across to your daughter L. The reason I say this is because when I have tried in the past to say to Dude "Okay, you don't want to argue and I don't want to aruge what do we do? " I don't hear the word compromise - I hear "You need to LISTEN to ME Mom, I'm not an idiot and you just. don't. get. it." </p><p></p><p>At that point I'm fired up again because I DO get it. I do not want to argue, i do not want to debate, I do not want to have drama...I just want to be heard. And amazingly enough I always get goaded into Dude saying "Okay I go first." (rolls eyes) because once he speaks - it is DONE....he is done. </p><p></p><p>I swear it's like being up against the finest defense lawyers in the world isn't it? They are never wrong, they strive to get their point across, you are paying for it in health, financially and with every fiber of your being - and eventually you just find a place where you can give up. </p><p></p><p>I'm at the giving up stage. Arguing wise. We have debated this at the therapists with him as the impartial judge and Dude flipped out saying that since WE were paying him HE was on OUR side - if he took Dude's side then we wouldn't pay and he's out the money. ARGH - Even the therapist gave up for the day. </p><p></p><p>And when we finally did regroup and try to hear each others side? I swear I don't know if it is just that I'm soooo set in my ways that I didn't want to hear - I never bend I never try I never get it, I never this I never that - and at that point I'm sitting in the corner doing sock puppet with my hand a rolling my eyes. I SHOULD have been respectful to his feelings but CRIPES - WHEN IS HE EVER respectful to me. And THAT was the beginning of our healing. (immature as it was on my part) it was a start. We had to write down things that we liked and disliked about each other . Amazingly enough - my list was shorter on dislike - and longer on like - but.....</p><p>BIG BUT.......(you should see mine lol) </p><p></p><p>We were able to work things out with a mediator (therapist) and we agreed to allow him to give solutions that each of us had to remind the other one on. Hey - my kid didn't want to argue with me - he just wanted to be heard and understood. ME TOO. And he didn't want the drama (although you could have fooled me) our ability to fight fair and walk away if suggestions to calm down aren't headed HAVE improved. </p><p></p><p>To me before the therapy it was like I had to take a back seat to a child for WHOM i was supporting etc, etc. Now that I have begun to learn the art of Fair.....it's better. It's not a matter of being tough or curt or coarse or having big ones - it's a lot easier and a lot more productive. </p><p></p><p>If she needs therapy - then offer to go with her so that the therapist can point out to YOU what you may be doing wrong (THAT will be the hook to get her there) my son could not WAIT for the appointment. to tell THE WORLD HOW unfair and horrible I was. And he found out a few things about himself too - </p><p></p><p>Maybe....that is worth a try? OH and by the way - I WAS Wrrrr rrrrrrrro (hate to say it but) I was WRONG on some of HOW I was saying things. Not what but HOW = </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 139066, member: 4964"] Witz, I don't know if there is a good way to try to get your point across to your daughter L. The reason I say this is because when I have tried in the past to say to Dude "Okay, you don't want to argue and I don't want to aruge what do we do? " I don't hear the word compromise - I hear "You need to LISTEN to ME Mom, I'm not an idiot and you just. don't. get. it." At that point I'm fired up again because I DO get it. I do not want to argue, i do not want to debate, I do not want to have drama...I just want to be heard. And amazingly enough I always get goaded into Dude saying "Okay I go first." (rolls eyes) because once he speaks - it is DONE....he is done. I swear it's like being up against the finest defense lawyers in the world isn't it? They are never wrong, they strive to get their point across, you are paying for it in health, financially and with every fiber of your being - and eventually you just find a place where you can give up. I'm at the giving up stage. Arguing wise. We have debated this at the therapists with him as the impartial judge and Dude flipped out saying that since WE were paying him HE was on OUR side - if he took Dude's side then we wouldn't pay and he's out the money. ARGH - Even the therapist gave up for the day. And when we finally did regroup and try to hear each others side? I swear I don't know if it is just that I'm soooo set in my ways that I didn't want to hear - I never bend I never try I never get it, I never this I never that - and at that point I'm sitting in the corner doing sock puppet with my hand a rolling my eyes. I SHOULD have been respectful to his feelings but CRIPES - WHEN IS HE EVER respectful to me. And THAT was the beginning of our healing. (immature as it was on my part) it was a start. We had to write down things that we liked and disliked about each other . Amazingly enough - my list was shorter on dislike - and longer on like - but..... BIG BUT.......(you should see mine lol) We were able to work things out with a mediator (therapist) and we agreed to allow him to give solutions that each of us had to remind the other one on. Hey - my kid didn't want to argue with me - he just wanted to be heard and understood. ME TOO. And he didn't want the drama (although you could have fooled me) our ability to fight fair and walk away if suggestions to calm down aren't headed HAVE improved. To me before the therapy it was like I had to take a back seat to a child for WHOM i was supporting etc, etc. Now that I have begun to learn the art of Fair.....it's better. It's not a matter of being tough or curt or coarse or having big ones - it's a lot easier and a lot more productive. If she needs therapy - then offer to go with her so that the therapist can point out to YOU what you may be doing wrong (THAT will be the hook to get her there) my son could not WAIT for the appointment. to tell THE WORLD HOW unfair and horrible I was. And he found out a few things about himself too - Maybe....that is worth a try? OH and by the way - I WAS Wrrrr rrrrrrrro (hate to say it but) I was WRONG on some of HOW I was saying things. Not what but HOW = Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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