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Parent Emeritus
So, it's apparently all my fault, thanks H
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<blockquote data-quote="janebrain" data-source="post: 186516" data-attributes="member: 3208"><p>I am sorry your H said those things to you and called your dtr those names. My husband also helped raise my difficult child (since she was 10) and I know it was hard on him to see me enabling her or making excuses for her, etc. but he understood how fiercely protective I was and also how defensive I was about what I was doing (feeling like no matter what I did it was wrong anyhow). He heard me speak of her in the way your H speaks of your difficult child but he would never have spoken of her that way himself, not being her bio dad--he knew it was okay for me to say it to him but not for him to say it to me.</p><p></p><p>If I could go back and do things over there are many things I would do differently. I don't think it would necessarily change anything that she did but I would have felt better about what I was doing. She was held back in 2nd grade and I would not do that again--it only made her feel stupid. The adults all assured her that was not why she was being held back (her dad had just died after a long illness and she could not concentrate on school) but her classmates told her it was because she was stupid and that is what she believed.</p><p></p><p>Also, I would probably not agree to have her classified as Special Education (for emotionally disturbed). Our school district bent over backwards to give her the supports we thought she needed but it seemed to just make her feel more stupid and helpless and like we didn't think she could handle a normal life.</p><p></p><p>So, I kind of get what your H says about the coddling--I am sure I coddled difficult child too much. I knew she had mental health issues and I often felt sorry for her. I think feeling sorry for our difficult children probably is one of the worst things we can do but how can you help it? We're moms, for goodness sakes!</p><p></p><p>And I agree that it isn't only with difficult children that you would do things over--I sure could have been a better parent to my easy child son. I was so focused on difficult child that I just let him fend for himself pretty much. I figured if he wasn't complaining he was okay despite him spending nearly all his time alone in his room. He told me later he felt so alone after his dad died.</p><p></p><p>If I could do it over I would be a firmer parent with much more structure provided for all my kids and not be such a pushover. But, I can't so there's no use dwelling on the past. </p><p></p><p>It really bugs me that your H would throw all that up at you now. The past is gone, you can only change what you are doing today. I happen to think you are a great mom!</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="janebrain, post: 186516, member: 3208"] I am sorry your H said those things to you and called your dtr those names. My husband also helped raise my difficult child (since she was 10) and I know it was hard on him to see me enabling her or making excuses for her, etc. but he understood how fiercely protective I was and also how defensive I was about what I was doing (feeling like no matter what I did it was wrong anyhow). He heard me speak of her in the way your H speaks of your difficult child but he would never have spoken of her that way himself, not being her bio dad--he knew it was okay for me to say it to him but not for him to say it to me. If I could go back and do things over there are many things I would do differently. I don't think it would necessarily change anything that she did but I would have felt better about what I was doing. She was held back in 2nd grade and I would not do that again--it only made her feel stupid. The adults all assured her that was not why she was being held back (her dad had just died after a long illness and she could not concentrate on school) but her classmates told her it was because she was stupid and that is what she believed. Also, I would probably not agree to have her classified as Special Education (for emotionally disturbed). Our school district bent over backwards to give her the supports we thought she needed but it seemed to just make her feel more stupid and helpless and like we didn't think she could handle a normal life. So, I kind of get what your H says about the coddling--I am sure I coddled difficult child too much. I knew she had mental health issues and I often felt sorry for her. I think feeling sorry for our difficult children probably is one of the worst things we can do but how can you help it? We're moms, for goodness sakes! And I agree that it isn't only with difficult children that you would do things over--I sure could have been a better parent to my easy child son. I was so focused on difficult child that I just let him fend for himself pretty much. I figured if he wasn't complaining he was okay despite him spending nearly all his time alone in his room. He told me later he felt so alone after his dad died. If I could do it over I would be a firmer parent with much more structure provided for all my kids and not be such a pushover. But, I can't so there's no use dwelling on the past. It really bugs me that your H would throw all that up at you now. The past is gone, you can only change what you are doing today. I happen to think you are a great mom! Hugs, Jane [/QUOTE]
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