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So many conflicting messages about discipline...help with defiant 3 y.o!
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<blockquote data-quote="TeDo" data-source="post: 606932" data-attributes="member: 15799"><p>I am so glad you are getting him evaluated to see the extent of his issues. At this young age, it can make all the difference in the world. I also have twins (they're 15 now) and they have never been easy (one easier than the other but neither easy). I am going to relate my experience with the book, behavioral therapists, and parenting twins (I have always been a single parent). Take what fits and ignore what doesn't.</p><p></p><p>As for the book, I used the "probing" part a LOT and learned how VERY differently difficult child 1 thought. I really had to work hard to ignore my "more conventional" thinking patterns and really, really listen to what he was telling me. It made a HUGE difference. It told me the why's of almost all his tantrums, refusals, attitudes, actions, etc. After a long time of diligently asking him "why did you do that" and "why don't you want to do that" to figure out the root cause of most of his behavior. Now, I can usually predict with pretty good accuracy how things are going to play out AND I've changed how I approach things to get greater compliance. Most of his issues revolved around sensory issues and absolutely not understanding why he was expected to do many things because they didn't follow HIS train of logic. Using the method in the book helped me get to where we are.</p><p></p><p>As for the behavior therapist, most of them look at behavior as something that needs to be corrected with a "strict" hand instead of a form of communication. Personally, I'd ditch the BT until you know more about your son's sensory issues. The stroller could be too confining, too uncomfortable, too ______. It might be that he just doesn't want to go in there but it could also be something else. The assumption is that he doesn't want to. The "alternative thinking" is that there's a very real reason he doesn't want to that he simply can't communicate to you any other way. With the diaper, maybe he doesn't like the feel of the wipe or the rag or maybe it's too cold or hot for his bottom. There again, the assumption is that he doesn't want to but there could also be a very good alternate reason. difficult child 1 absolutely couldn't tolerate anything but a warm rag. Cold anything and baby wipes were out of the question with him.</p><p></p><p>Since difficult child 1 is older, we negotiate about some things but he's also learned that there are some things that are not negotiable. The key with him is to explain MY why so that he understands it. The "mantra" I use the most in those cases is "You don't have to like it or even agree with it but you have to do it". There are many situations in life where you just have to do things you don't "get" or like or want to do.</p><p></p><p>Sorry this turned out to be so long. Two other books you might consider reading are "What My Explosive Child is Trying to Tell Me" and "The Out-of-Sync Child". Those are the other 2 that I found very helpful. Good luck and keep us posted.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TeDo, post: 606932, member: 15799"] I am so glad you are getting him evaluated to see the extent of his issues. At this young age, it can make all the difference in the world. I also have twins (they're 15 now) and they have never been easy (one easier than the other but neither easy). I am going to relate my experience with the book, behavioral therapists, and parenting twins (I have always been a single parent). Take what fits and ignore what doesn't. As for the book, I used the "probing" part a LOT and learned how VERY differently difficult child 1 thought. I really had to work hard to ignore my "more conventional" thinking patterns and really, really listen to what he was telling me. It made a HUGE difference. It told me the why's of almost all his tantrums, refusals, attitudes, actions, etc. After a long time of diligently asking him "why did you do that" and "why don't you want to do that" to figure out the root cause of most of his behavior. Now, I can usually predict with pretty good accuracy how things are going to play out AND I've changed how I approach things to get greater compliance. Most of his issues revolved around sensory issues and absolutely not understanding why he was expected to do many things because they didn't follow HIS train of logic. Using the method in the book helped me get to where we are. As for the behavior therapist, most of them look at behavior as something that needs to be corrected with a "strict" hand instead of a form of communication. Personally, I'd ditch the BT until you know more about your son's sensory issues. The stroller could be too confining, too uncomfortable, too ______. It might be that he just doesn't want to go in there but it could also be something else. The assumption is that he doesn't want to. The "alternative thinking" is that there's a very real reason he doesn't want to that he simply can't communicate to you any other way. With the diaper, maybe he doesn't like the feel of the wipe or the rag or maybe it's too cold or hot for his bottom. There again, the assumption is that he doesn't want to but there could also be a very good alternate reason. difficult child 1 absolutely couldn't tolerate anything but a warm rag. Cold anything and baby wipes were out of the question with him. Since difficult child 1 is older, we negotiate about some things but he's also learned that there are some things that are not negotiable. The key with him is to explain MY why so that he understands it. The "mantra" I use the most in those cases is "You don't have to like it or even agree with it but you have to do it". There are many situations in life where you just have to do things you don't "get" or like or want to do. Sorry this turned out to be so long. Two other books you might consider reading are "What My Explosive Child is Trying to Tell Me" and "The Out-of-Sync Child". Those are the other 2 that I found very helpful. Good luck and keep us posted. [/QUOTE]
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So many conflicting messages about discipline...help with defiant 3 y.o!
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