so sad

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dixies_fire, Jul 8, 2013.

  1. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Tk and boyo went back to ex today. Tk to live, boyo for a few more weeks.

    They were so good. Both of them. They were loving to each other and everyone else. They did not scream at each other, played together, played separately.

    I am taking this hard because it means that ex has been able to accomplish something that I have not been able to do. Despite talking, consoling, time outs, yelling, crying in frustration.

    During the last couple of months hubs and I decided that we have not been treating too fairly at all times because of the level of exhaustion her behavior has put us through. We have come down on her harshly sometimes overly harsh. At times she has told the truth when we believed her to be lying and found out differently later. And yes we apologized to her in those instances. We decided we weren't giving her a fair shake.

    On top of army problems, money problems, hubs mental problems it has just been too much. I would start each day resolved to try to be better and at most we would get through the day with tk by the skin of our teeth each day some
    Outlandish behavior derailed my resolve to try to bring joys to her life and not make ever day a trial, show more more love and acceptance and approval of my oldest child, more patience.

    But this week she was wonderful and so loving.
    And now she is gone.

    By no means do I mean to say that all her problems were fixed she still was displaying the traits that I have identified at least in my own mind as her basic difficult child ness. Repeating questions asking questions she knows the answer to, textural issues having to be reminded to bathe with soap as opposed to just water, etc etc, You know the symptoms of not being completely neurotypical.

    But over all she was a dream, which to me means she was incredibly unhappy here and I failed her and he isn't failing her.
    I just don't know what to say.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I can feel your hurt all the way through the computer.
    But I don't think that her good behavior is because you failed her. It's because she's ready for a change, and that change may not be what she's expecting.
    Just give it time.
    Kids tend to be on their best behavior if they are expecting something, or if they've been threatened. Or sometimes, if they just get a good night's sleep.
    In no way do I think you failed her. Do not torture yourself with that.
    This is a time to take care of yourself.
  3. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    I am so sorry. I know you must be very sad. But, you have not failed her in any way. She may have been honeymooning whil visiting you. Also, it will give you the needed time to focus on getting back on your feet so that in the future you will be able to focus more fully on her. Hugs.


    I feel your pain also. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Who knows why she seems to be doing better? If it was me, I would try to look at the fact6 that she IS doing better and that's what's important. Feel better.
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are feeling sad. And understand very well how devastating it has to be to let her go to live with her dad. But maybe at this point it is the best option. You have not failed her, not at all. You have done best you can and you love her enough to see, that under current extremely stressful conditions you are facing, it's better for her to live with her dad, who seems a good dad (even though he didn't live up to par as a husband.) That takes some serious guts.

    Maybe at this point it is most important to concentrate to how to co-parent her even with the distance. Maybe she is honeymooning or maybe she does better in the environment her dad gives her at the moment. But you are right that her gfgness is not going anywhere. Maybe you were able to see more clearly now what issues she truly has even in these circumstances. Those issues she needs help, interventions and accommodations with. Is her dad ready to be a warrior parent she needs? And can you help him with that?

    She is a lucky girl to have two loving and dedicated parent even if the distance between you is more than either of you would likely wish.

  6. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    I think he's going to have to see it for himself and he's seen some of it, we talked about it, he just hasn't seen the major stuff yet, the things that make her not quirky but a hell of a lot of work. The fact that she decided to cause me at least 2 grand in damages on the house we are vacating because she "felt like it" about two days after we talked about why mom has been cleaning and cleaning and cleaning the house and that it would cost money if things were broken, marked on, or destroyed. Yeah he doesn't really know about that.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    She is probably honeymooning. You are a good mom.