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So torn - need guidance
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 710409" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>My opinion only.</p><p></p><p>I have a 39 year old. Your daughter is 36. You cant be that young. Your daughter has borderline behavior. Sober or not (and this is good) she has not had serious therapy to change her problem behaviors and may just find anither abusive man and have another child. This is likely even under your roof with you paying all her bills as if she were still sixteen years old. I personally dont feel this works well. Again, my opinion.</p><p></p><p>Fifteen years is a long enough to put a fully adult daugter who has never made good decisions, even with your generousity, ahead of a loving husband who has done all he could for her. It is not worth your marriage. in my opinion your husband is the one who will be with you in the end, not Daughter. You deserve a partner; a loving fun retirement; peace i your house. Your house is your sanctuary in my mind.</p><p></p><p>Grandkids complicate things, but since her in laws love and are willing to proviide five year old with stability, how is this bad for your granddaughter? Will they take both children? My opinion is humbly (and not meant to be mean) that your daughter is not really ready to raise children in a positive way. She is unstable. She is immature. She exposes them to abuse. She can not take care of herself, let alone raise two children.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Would your husband be willing to raise baby until there is a better solution?</p><p></p><p>My 39 year old son is difficult, although he supports himself well. Thats good. I could not live with him again nor could my wonderful husband. I am 63 and have great retirement plans with hubby. If I were in your shoes there is no way I would give up my relationship for a grown child who I cant help. You cant help her. Enabling isnt helping. You have been doing it for fifteen years. She is still not independent or stable. The more you hand her money and toys, the more dependent in you she becomes. Like a child. She needs to grow up and not bebailed out of every bad choice she makes.</p><p></p><p>Here is a possible solution. Daughter can stay at a domestic abuse shelter in a citg where there us room (not every shellter of e ery kind is all filled up. If she says so, she is lying to manipulate you.)</p><p></p><p> I volunteered at one. It was very caring. Kids were welcome, it was safe and friendly and jobs and housing and public assistance was found for the abused women. There was therapy. Rides here and there.They had babysitters for the children. I ssaw wimen get stronger and leave, but NOT to their mothers home. They got Housing Assistance and were found their own places.</p><p></p><p>I recommend (humbly again) perhaps you see a therapist before making a decision to give up your life...again..for Daughter. Also there is an excellent book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book, and a wonderful group called Codapendents Anonymous helped me stop trying to fix my loved ones and made me realize i couldnt fix anyone except myself. Its gut wrenching, hard and work but we can learn to put our needs first without feeling like a witch. Yes, at first the mere idea of putting my needs first made me feel like The Wicked Witch of the West. But, strangely, now I wonder why I thought I could save everyones day like some Super Hero. We are human. We can help one person. Us. Thats it.</p><p></p><p>Do you have other adult children? I think its harder to say no if this is an only child. Still, I feel you must...for you and for her too. She needs to do it herself. You cant live forever. Her stress and drama in your house can affect your health.</p><p></p><p>I hope nothing offended you. I did not mean it to. We put down our own feelings and experiences here.. and you take what you</p><p>like and leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>Try to find some peace tonight. I am hoping you get a good nights rest. If you pray, pray a lot. Give your daughter to God. If you dont believe then learn how to detach from daughters drama. You love her and always will but you dont love and need her drama. Try to let go if it. It belings to her, not you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 710409, member: 1550"] My opinion only. I have a 39 year old. Your daughter is 36. You cant be that young. Your daughter has borderline behavior. Sober or not (and this is good) she has not had serious therapy to change her problem behaviors and may just find anither abusive man and have another child. This is likely even under your roof with you paying all her bills as if she were still sixteen years old. I personally dont feel this works well. Again, my opinion. Fifteen years is a long enough to put a fully adult daugter who has never made good decisions, even with your generousity, ahead of a loving husband who has done all he could for her. It is not worth your marriage. in my opinion your husband is the one who will be with you in the end, not Daughter. You deserve a partner; a loving fun retirement; peace i your house. Your house is your sanctuary in my mind. Grandkids complicate things, but since her in laws love and are willing to proviide five year old with stability, how is this bad for your granddaughter? Will they take both children? My opinion is humbly (and not meant to be mean) that your daughter is not really ready to raise children in a positive way. She is unstable. She is immature. She exposes them to abuse. She can not take care of herself, let alone raise two children. Would your husband be willing to raise baby until there is a better solution? My 39 year old son is difficult, although he supports himself well. Thats good. I could not live with him again nor could my wonderful husband. I am 63 and have great retirement plans with hubby. If I were in your shoes there is no way I would give up my relationship for a grown child who I cant help. You cant help her. Enabling isnt helping. You have been doing it for fifteen years. She is still not independent or stable. The more you hand her money and toys, the more dependent in you she becomes. Like a child. She needs to grow up and not bebailed out of every bad choice she makes. Here is a possible solution. Daughter can stay at a domestic abuse shelter in a citg where there us room (not every shellter of e ery kind is all filled up. If she says so, she is lying to manipulate you.) I volunteered at one. It was very caring. Kids were welcome, it was safe and friendly and jobs and housing and public assistance was found for the abused women. There was therapy. Rides here and there.They had babysitters for the children. I ssaw wimen get stronger and leave, but NOT to their mothers home. They got Housing Assistance and were found their own places. I recommend (humbly again) perhaps you see a therapist before making a decision to give up your life...again..for Daughter. Also there is an excellent book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book, and a wonderful group called Codapendents Anonymous helped me stop trying to fix my loved ones and made me realize i couldnt fix anyone except myself. Its gut wrenching, hard and work but we can learn to put our needs first without feeling like a witch. Yes, at first the mere idea of putting my needs first made me feel like The Wicked Witch of the West. But, strangely, now I wonder why I thought I could save everyones day like some Super Hero. We are human. We can help one person. Us. Thats it. Do you have other adult children? I think its harder to say no if this is an only child. Still, I feel you must...for you and for her too. She needs to do it herself. You cant live forever. Her stress and drama in your house can affect your health. I hope nothing offended you. I did not mean it to. We put down our own feelings and experiences here.. and you take what you like and leave the rest. Try to find some peace tonight. I am hoping you get a good nights rest. If you pray, pray a lot. Give your daughter to God. If you dont believe then learn how to detach from daughters drama. You love her and always will but you dont love and need her drama. Try to let go if it. It belings to her, not you. [/QUOTE]
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