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So we went to the supermarket this morning ...
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 363228" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Hi,</p><p></p><p>I like Star's suggestion for community service . I don't like the punishment, consequences route for many reasons - it is very difficult to follow through , the focus moves to you and the punishment , compliance with the punishment rather than reflecting on the action itself . At best , and I doubt this , she might learn what happens to her if she gets caught and the lesson learned is not to get caught or take a risk . The lesson we want to teach a kid that stealing is wrong , how it impacts on others. When we teach kids ' what's in it for me ' , their choices are not moral ones. Your child lacks the coping skills to look good in shops . Punishments and consequences don't teach skills. </p><p></p><p>So a discussion with her , would go like this </p><p></p><p>Mom: - ( being empathic ) Not very pleasant being caught stealing etc , I am not cross or mad at you , it is not about blaming you but I see we have a problem now with shopping , what's up ? </p><p>Kid : I am sorry , I don't know what happened to me , I wanted it so badly etc </p><p>Mom : If you feel you need lipstick , we can discuss it and that goes for anything else </p><p>Mom: So what can we do about the problem , any ideas </p><p>Kid: You could give me reminders or I can have things in my hands to keep them busy </p><p>Mom; That sounds good , we will give it a try and check how this plan is working for you </p><p>Mom: What about the store , do you have any ideas of how to make amends </p><p>Kid: I can write a letter of apology , give back the lipstick and offer to help out without pay. </p><p>Mom: When we take things that belong to others , how do they feel ?</p><p>Kid: Angry or sad </p><p>Mom: We may take things because we are not thinking or being impulsive , but when we have strong feelings of empathy for people , it helps us </p><p>Mom: Community service helps people to be more empathic , we give to others and feel good about ourselves , maybe we should try to find some CS that you would like , what do you think ? </p><p></p><p>It is not easy to deal with our emotions of disappointment and put on the empathic and problem solving hat. People internalize values and reflect more when they are treated with respect and the criticism is done sensitively. We need just to describe situations and problem solve. </p><p>This process improves the relationship and trust between parent and child , promotes skills and also a commitment to the values we want to teach. The child takes ownership of the problem and in an autonomous way engages in the moral act of restitution , coming up with a better plan. In this process we give a child a vision for the future and help their self esteem. </p><p></p><p>It is not easy , it is a process , education is a process , check Ross Greene's Lost at school , the explosive child latest editions , also</p><p><a href="http://livesinthebalance.org" target="_blank">http://livesinthebalance.org</a> and <a href="http://thinkkids.org" target="_blank">http://thinkkids.org</a> </p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 363228, member: 10"] Hi, I like Star's suggestion for community service . I don't like the punishment, consequences route for many reasons - it is very difficult to follow through , the focus moves to you and the punishment , compliance with the punishment rather than reflecting on the action itself . At best , and I doubt this , she might learn what happens to her if she gets caught and the lesson learned is not to get caught or take a risk . The lesson we want to teach a kid that stealing is wrong , how it impacts on others. When we teach kids ' what's in it for me ' , their choices are not moral ones. Your child lacks the coping skills to look good in shops . Punishments and consequences don't teach skills. So a discussion with her , would go like this Mom: - ( being empathic ) Not very pleasant being caught stealing etc , I am not cross or mad at you , it is not about blaming you but I see we have a problem now with shopping , what's up ? Kid : I am sorry , I don't know what happened to me , I wanted it so badly etc Mom : If you feel you need lipstick , we can discuss it and that goes for anything else Mom: So what can we do about the problem , any ideas Kid: You could give me reminders or I can have things in my hands to keep them busy Mom; That sounds good , we will give it a try and check how this plan is working for you Mom: What about the store , do you have any ideas of how to make amends Kid: I can write a letter of apology , give back the lipstick and offer to help out without pay. Mom: When we take things that belong to others , how do they feel ? Kid: Angry or sad Mom: We may take things because we are not thinking or being impulsive , but when we have strong feelings of empathy for people , it helps us Mom: Community service helps people to be more empathic , we give to others and feel good about ourselves , maybe we should try to find some CS that you would like , what do you think ? It is not easy to deal with our emotions of disappointment and put on the empathic and problem solving hat. People internalize values and reflect more when they are treated with respect and the criticism is done sensitively. We need just to describe situations and problem solve. This process improves the relationship and trust between parent and child , promotes skills and also a commitment to the values we want to teach. The child takes ownership of the problem and in an autonomous way engages in the moral act of restitution , coming up with a better plan. In this process we give a child a vision for the future and help their self esteem. It is not easy , it is a process , education is a process , check Ross Greene's Lost at school , the explosive child latest editions , also [url]http://livesinthebalance.org[/url] and [url]http://thinkkids.org[/url] Allan [/QUOTE]
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So we went to the supermarket this morning ...
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