So we went to the supermarket this morning ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by candiecotton, Jun 6, 2010.

  1. candiecotton

    candiecotton Guest

    G was having a good weekend just a little "episode" friday night & a little one this morning . So we went to the supermarket (Gis not allowed to be home here without adult supervision) Things were nice , she was behaving in the store , we were going home to make a nice brunch like we do on sunday ,she was going to do her reports that she insisted she needed the computer for. & as we were leaving a girl comes out half jittery & introduced herself showed id as the store security! G had taken a package of lip gloss .
    No i didn't get mad hubby didn't get mad . they had to call the police & he took a report said because this is the first time she got caught she has a verbal warning if she gets caught again she will be charged with this offence she can not go back to that supermarket again
    so she went back to the group home ( more so we could calm down & fighre out her punishment)
    she is grounded from outside ( she can go to school & come home ) till after her exams,
    she is not allowed to go to any store , mall or supermarket for the summer at least, she can not go see "eclipse" when it comes out ( we had plans to go see it with friends )
    after her exam she has to write an essay on the importance of not stealing she has to write a letter of apology to the supermarket.
    am i being too harsh or not harsh enough , she will be talking to her councelor about this .
    i am still in shock . so tomorrow ill get upset .
    i didnt strangle her
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    CC- I don't think you're being too harsh in theory. Just make sure you can follow through and the consequences match the offense. You may want to word it that she can't go into any store without you or husband. But... will this punishment be upheld at the group home?
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am proud with how you are handling this and that you did not fly off the handle the moment she was found with the stolen item. I know I would have been just as super mad as you but doubt I would have stayed that calm. I would also have asked that my daughter skip the warning stage and be charged, however, maybe it is best that she gets a warning if it was strong enough to scare her.

    I like the terms you have come up with. I am just a little concerned about the no going into any stores for the Summer. That is a long time to keep up on. I tend to be not harsh enough so just take this as a grain of input - you know your daughter better than I do. Are you really willing to enforce this one? Three months is a long time to keep a 15 year old out of a store. You may want to tighten that one up with a shorter length of time and then add very strict boundaries for the rest of the summer. Like, "No going into a store, mall, or supermarket until after you turn in the letter of apology. At that point, you may enter foot in one ONLY if you are going with me or your dad. You will stay at our side the entire shopping time. If you can abide by these rules and not steal again, you will then earn back the privilege of being in a store, mall, supermarket without direct supervision when school starts next fall."

    You stated she is not to be home alone. You are going to be put into a large inconvience if she is not allowed to go somewhere when you need something. Unless I misunderstood and you did mean not going anywhere alone but can still go with you? If she does go with you, she pushes the cart and both hands are on the handle bars the entire time.

    Again, congratulations on not strangling her! Keep strong!
  4. candiecotton

    candiecotton Guest

    when her exams are over we will revisit the going into a soeore again & after she has the apoligy letter & then she will have to hold on to the cart. or walk infront of one of us with her hands in her pockets. today the worker @ the group home said that she will make sure everyone knows what happend & that she is grounded& she had a good talk with G to be sure she knew that her punishment would be there as well as here . & we are also making her pay double the value of the lip gloss that she had stolen
    the group home is getting on board with the issues that G is having finally. even today she tried to put the blame for things on me her dad , but i think shes learning her lesson she better or next time shes in court
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    kudos for not strangling her. I was livid when Wiz was shoplifting.

    I don't think the no stores is going to work for the summer. You already cannot leave her at home alone. This means that unless one of you is with her, no one can go to the store. It will make logistics very tough when she is at home. Maybe she will need to go to the group home when you have to run errands?

    Another thing you can do, or add to what you have, is to refuse to let her take a purse and to make her empty out ALL pockets, tucked in clothing, take off shoes, etc... before and after she enters a store. At least after. When Wiz gave me grief on this I sewed his pockets shut and made him confirm that they were sewn closed before we left any store. REALLY upset him, esp because I didn't stop if someone he knew was there. It took about 3 go rounds with his pants pockets to get him to stop taking the stitches out. The last time I used bright pink thread to sew them shut. Told him that any more would get the same color. And an embroidered flower on the tushie. A BIG one.

    He had a FIT about that idea. Until I gave him the option of that or of having "SHOPLIFTER" written on the back of all his shirts and the legs of his pants. He said the sewn pockets were fine after I offered THAT. (His therapist thought this was awesome and after he left the room she just laughed and laughed. Largely at the look on his face when he realized I WOULD do one or the other. It really was funny, looking back.)
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Susie* - ROFL - SHOPLIFTER ----------

    You and that sheriff in Arizona with the pink prison - ROFL. Great idea.

    Cotton -
    I think you did extremely well under pressure. I think instead of her going shopping? I would find a place where she could volunteer to do community service - Every time I wanted to shop? I'd drop her off to community service instead. No sense making it miserable for YOU - just her. lol.
  7. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Lots of great ideas there, like writing an apology letter to the store and the essay, etc. Personally, I think the "no going to the store" issue would be difficult for such an extended period of time. In my view (for what it's worth), it doesn't matter if you and/or husband go with her to a store/mall this summer, she managed to steal anyway from the grocery store and you were already with her. If they want to do it, they will find a way to do it. She already got caught once and if she gets caught again, then she will have to deal with those consequences from the police too - natural consequences. SHE has got to be the one to stop shoplifting, because you won't be able to watch her forever. Just my .02.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Candiecotton, welcome, and so sorry for what you are going through.

    Susiestar, Way To Go!!!! :D
  9. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    I like Star's suggestion for community service . I don't like the punishment, consequences route for many reasons - it is very difficult to follow through , the focus moves to you and the punishment , compliance with the punishment rather than reflecting on the action itself . At best , and I doubt this , she might learn what happens to her if she gets caught and the lesson learned is not to get caught or take a risk . The lesson we want to teach a kid that stealing is wrong , how it impacts on others. When we teach kids ' what's in it for me ' , their choices are not moral ones. Your child lacks the coping skills to look good in shops . Punishments and consequences don't teach skills.

    So a discussion with her , would go like this

    Mom: - ( being empathic ) Not very pleasant being caught stealing etc , I am not cross or mad at you , it is not about blaming you but I see we have a problem now with shopping , what's up ?
    Kid : I am sorry , I don't know what happened to me , I wanted it so badly etc
    Mom : If you feel you need lipstick , we can discuss it and that goes for anything else
    Mom: So what can we do about the problem , any ideas
    Kid: You could give me reminders or I can have things in my hands to keep them busy
    Mom; That sounds good , we will give it a try and check how this plan is working for you
    Mom: What about the store , do you have any ideas of how to make amends
    Kid: I can write a letter of apology , give back the lipstick and offer to help out without pay.
    Mom: When we take things that belong to others , how do they feel ?
    Kid: Angry or sad
    Mom: We may take things because we are not thinking or being impulsive , but when we have strong feelings of empathy for people , it helps us
    Mom: Community service helps people to be more empathic , we give to others and feel good about ourselves , maybe we should try to find some CS that you would like , what do you think ?

    It is not easy to deal with our emotions of disappointment and put on the empathic and problem solving hat. People internalize values and reflect more when they are treated with respect and the criticism is done sensitively. We need just to describe situations and problem solve.
    This process improves the relationship and trust between parent and child , promotes skills and also a commitment to the values we want to teach. The child takes ownership of the problem and in an autonomous way engages in the moral act of restitution , coming up with a better plan. In this process we give a child a vision for the future and help their self esteem.

    It is not easy , it is a process , education is a process , check Ross Greene's Lost at school , the explosive child latest editions , also and