Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
SOLD! For little to nothing
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 610068" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I think what's happening is that I see myself in your responses to your difficult child. Like you and your husband, there was literally nothing we didn't do, and no one we didn't talk to or ask for help...and our difficult child did the same kinds of things yours is doing.</p><p></p><p>And our friends and families (and our own image of ourselves) went from believing we were the best parents to offering help for, and advice about, difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Or to demanding to speak to the nurses and counselors at the first dual diagnostic without us present. That would have been my mother-in-law. Whew! What a blow to self-identity that was. But we not only allowed it, we encouraged it. We went from strong, certain people who knew what was what to people who listened to people we wouldn't have had coffee with tell us what was what.</p><p></p><p>My own mother? As I have posted before, shot back, instantaneously, upon learning that we had taken difficult child in for evaluation, the sneering comment that I must not have been such a good mother after all, had I. All I could say, the evidence being what it was, was that I guessed she was right. That I had not been such a good mother, after all.</p><p></p><p>They were wrong, of course.</p><p></p><p>Even my nasty, self-serving, know-it-all mother was wrong.</p><p></p><p>But we didn't know that, then.</p><p></p><p>Anything, to help difficult child. </p><p></p><p>My mother ended all contact with difficult child at that time. Refused to discuss her, other than to tell me how rotten her future was going to be, and where she was likely to end up. And, in my so-dysfunctional family of origin, difficult child had been my mother's Golden Child.</p><p></p><p>It was pretty nasty.</p><p></p><p>My responses to your posts probably come off so angrily because I recognize myself in you and, as I heal, I am finally acknowledging how awful it felt to go through it, for me, and for my husband. It really was horrible. Maybe this means I am beginning to reclaim that territory of the heart, too.</p><p></p><p>Good. I have been alienated from myself too long.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>The thing is, we didn't know the problem was something in difficult child, and that she couldn't help it, until difficult child was finally diagnosed, at 38 years old. So, we truly believed we like, broke her somehow, in the process of raising her. But we couldn't figure out what we did. That theme, that whole trying to fix things without the first clue as to what went wrong, that feeling that I was stupid somehow, not to have seen this coming ~ and not to have been able to fix it, once it did ~ has dominated my life.</p><p></p><p>Here is an interesting thing: I went back to school to see whether I could do it ~ to prove whether I was stupid in some way that hadn't shown up until the difficult child challenge. And here is a secret thing: I chose a Catholic private school to learn whether I was evil. To learn whether I had done something horrible to difficult child that I couldn't remember, like in the spooky movies about moms who do horrible things to their children when no one else is around.</p><p> </p><p>Strange, huh? </p><p></p><p>I graduated *** Laude and with other honors ~ one of them a scholarship paid through the Sisters. Which answered the evil thing.</p><p></p><p>And in my secret heart, all I had to say about any of it is that I must not be stupid in the scholastic sense. And that, if I were evil, if I had done something horrible to difficult child that I couldn't remember...surely, I would have been found out, in that Catholic bastion.</p><p></p><p>I was in therapy there, too. At one time, I had a therapist I paid to see, and a therapist there, at the private, Catholic university.</p><p></p><p>That outside validation by people who would KNOW is still important to me, at some level. Makes me feel like crying, to remember the gratitude I felt then, to KNOW I probably wasn't evil.</p><p></p><p>As I said, I was in outside therapy at the time too, and realized evil is live spelled backwards. </p><p></p><p>And it turned out I wanted to live.</p><p></p><p>So, that's what happened, to me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Here's the thing. I know this is like, way too much information. But I cannot be the only one who came away from the wreckage of her life a wreck herself. So, maybe my story will help someone else.</p><p></p><p>Plus?</p><p></p><p>This site is anonymous.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 610068, member: 1721"] I think what's happening is that I see myself in your responses to your difficult child. Like you and your husband, there was literally nothing we didn't do, and no one we didn't talk to or ask for help...and our difficult child did the same kinds of things yours is doing. And our friends and families (and our own image of ourselves) went from believing we were the best parents to offering help for, and advice about, difficult child. Or to demanding to speak to the nurses and counselors at the first dual diagnostic without us present. That would have been my mother-in-law. Whew! What a blow to self-identity that was. But we not only allowed it, we encouraged it. We went from strong, certain people who knew what was what to people who listened to people we wouldn't have had coffee with tell us what was what. My own mother? As I have posted before, shot back, instantaneously, upon learning that we had taken difficult child in for evaluation, the sneering comment that I must not have been such a good mother after all, had I. All I could say, the evidence being what it was, was that I guessed she was right. That I had not been such a good mother, after all. They were wrong, of course. Even my nasty, self-serving, know-it-all mother was wrong. But we didn't know that, then. Anything, to help difficult child. My mother ended all contact with difficult child at that time. Refused to discuss her, other than to tell me how rotten her future was going to be, and where she was likely to end up. And, in my so-dysfunctional family of origin, difficult child had been my mother's Golden Child. It was pretty nasty. My responses to your posts probably come off so angrily because I recognize myself in you and, as I heal, I am finally acknowledging how awful it felt to go through it, for me, and for my husband. It really was horrible. Maybe this means I am beginning to reclaim that territory of the heart, too. Good. I have been alienated from myself too long. :O) The thing is, we didn't know the problem was something in difficult child, and that she couldn't help it, until difficult child was finally diagnosed, at 38 years old. So, we truly believed we like, broke her somehow, in the process of raising her. But we couldn't figure out what we did. That theme, that whole trying to fix things without the first clue as to what went wrong, that feeling that I was stupid somehow, not to have seen this coming ~ and not to have been able to fix it, once it did ~ has dominated my life. Here is an interesting thing: I went back to school to see whether I could do it ~ to prove whether I was stupid in some way that hadn't shown up until the difficult child challenge. And here is a secret thing: I chose a Catholic private school to learn whether I was evil. To learn whether I had done something horrible to difficult child that I couldn't remember, like in the spooky movies about moms who do horrible things to their children when no one else is around. Strange, huh? I graduated *** Laude and with other honors ~ one of them a scholarship paid through the Sisters. Which answered the evil thing. And in my secret heart, all I had to say about any of it is that I must not be stupid in the scholastic sense. And that, if I were evil, if I had done something horrible to difficult child that I couldn't remember...surely, I would have been found out, in that Catholic bastion. I was in therapy there, too. At one time, I had a therapist I paid to see, and a therapist there, at the private, Catholic university. That outside validation by people who would KNOW is still important to me, at some level. Makes me feel like crying, to remember the gratitude I felt then, to KNOW I probably wasn't evil. As I said, I was in outside therapy at the time too, and realized evil is live spelled backwards. And it turned out I wanted to live. So, that's what happened, to me. Cedar Here's the thing. I know this is like, way too much information. But I cannot be the only one who came away from the wreckage of her life a wreck herself. So, maybe my story will help someone else. Plus? This site is anonymous. :O) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
SOLD! For little to nothing
Top