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Some non-critical advice wanted
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 419957" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Again - no judgement from me either. I really do understand the feeling of being tied to your difficult child because you can't find anyone to babysit for you.</p><p></p><p>A few points of clarification - when you say 'masturbation' is he actually rubbing himself or is he just clutching at himself? I went through both my boys having permanent stains on their trousers from grubby paws. Even now, difficult child 3 at 17 has stains on that part of his jeans, at least partly because if he gets his hands dirty, that's where he wipes them and as a rapidly developing teenager, his "lunch pack" is increasingly obvious, especially when the stains in his jeans just won't come out. Or the colour is worn away. Or something - I can't fix it and it is embarrassing when especially prudish relatives make comments about him "flaunting" his maleness. He isn't. It just is THERE.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 used to grab himself there, I used to say to him, "Let it go, it won't run away." I used to have to remind the boys, both of them, to stop groping themselves. But it wasn't actually masturbation, it was insecurity. When a little boy gets anxious, they tend to clutch at their genitals to keep them safe. If I suspected they were doing more, I told them to leave it alone or it would get sore from too much rubbing.</p><p></p><p>Depending on the level of the boy's comprehension, you can also say that we don't do that in public, it is a private thing and not something we do in front of other people because it is not polite.</p><p></p><p>With what you describe, there are a number of possibilities beyond ADHD. Giving a 4 year old a label of ODD is not helpful to you in any way. It is also, I feel, rather premature and risking tossing the kid away too soon. I agree with the others who suggested autism in some form needs to be considered. This is not necessarily a bad news diagnosis, either. It would explain a lot and also open doors for help and intervention. There is a lot tat can be done with autism, despite what you may have been told. When both my boys were younger, they were given very pessimistic assessments. Both have done well and are continuing to improve in many ways.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 had significant language delay - it meant that his first neuropsychologist assessment was a mess, we were told he was retarded. We've since found he's actually exceptionally bright, but when a non-verbal kid is asked questions verbally and fails to respond appropriately, the test will show a poor result. But once his language caught up, he made great progress.</p><p></p><p>With the general messiness of a boy, I suggest you carry a damp cloth (or portable packet of baby wipes) and use them on him often. Teach him to blow his nose (with your help at least initially). Until he's about 8 you will need to help him do this by holding the hankie yourself and instructing him to blow. A good way to teach a kid to blow their nose is to tell them it's like blowing out the candles on their birthday cake, but with their mouth closed. Boys especially, but all kids at some stage, need to be constantly reminded. With toiletting, we also had problems and even into his teens, difficult child 1 needed to be reminded to empty his bowels. He would hold on for days, up to a week or more, when younger.</p><p></p><p>A book we recommend is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you go to the Early Childhood forum you can see posts there (stickies) about how to adapt this book for younger children. It might help you cope better.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, let us know how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 419957, member: 1991"] Again - no judgement from me either. I really do understand the feeling of being tied to your difficult child because you can't find anyone to babysit for you. A few points of clarification - when you say 'masturbation' is he actually rubbing himself or is he just clutching at himself? I went through both my boys having permanent stains on their trousers from grubby paws. Even now, difficult child 3 at 17 has stains on that part of his jeans, at least partly because if he gets his hands dirty, that's where he wipes them and as a rapidly developing teenager, his "lunch pack" is increasingly obvious, especially when the stains in his jeans just won't come out. Or the colour is worn away. Or something - I can't fix it and it is embarrassing when especially prudish relatives make comments about him "flaunting" his maleness. He isn't. It just is THERE. difficult child 1 used to grab himself there, I used to say to him, "Let it go, it won't run away." I used to have to remind the boys, both of them, to stop groping themselves. But it wasn't actually masturbation, it was insecurity. When a little boy gets anxious, they tend to clutch at their genitals to keep them safe. If I suspected they were doing more, I told them to leave it alone or it would get sore from too much rubbing. Depending on the level of the boy's comprehension, you can also say that we don't do that in public, it is a private thing and not something we do in front of other people because it is not polite. With what you describe, there are a number of possibilities beyond ADHD. Giving a 4 year old a label of ODD is not helpful to you in any way. It is also, I feel, rather premature and risking tossing the kid away too soon. I agree with the others who suggested autism in some form needs to be considered. This is not necessarily a bad news diagnosis, either. It would explain a lot and also open doors for help and intervention. There is a lot tat can be done with autism, despite what you may have been told. When both my boys were younger, they were given very pessimistic assessments. Both have done well and are continuing to improve in many ways. difficult child 3 had significant language delay - it meant that his first neuropsychologist assessment was a mess, we were told he was retarded. We've since found he's actually exceptionally bright, but when a non-verbal kid is asked questions verbally and fails to respond appropriately, the test will show a poor result. But once his language caught up, he made great progress. With the general messiness of a boy, I suggest you carry a damp cloth (or portable packet of baby wipes) and use them on him often. Teach him to blow his nose (with your help at least initially). Until he's about 8 you will need to help him do this by holding the hankie yourself and instructing him to blow. A good way to teach a kid to blow their nose is to tell them it's like blowing out the candles on their birthday cake, but with their mouth closed. Boys especially, but all kids at some stage, need to be constantly reminded. With toiletting, we also had problems and even into his teens, difficult child 1 needed to be reminded to empty his bowels. He would hold on for days, up to a week or more, when younger. A book we recommend is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you go to the Early Childhood forum you can see posts there (stickies) about how to adapt this book for younger children. It might help you cope better. Hang in there, let us know how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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