someone please help me!

[Just keep swimming]

Hi family,

I can barely see thru my tears and don't feel up to proof reading so let me start off with an apology to how many mistakes will be in this post.

I am at an emotional rock bottom, please help. I am 16 days out from major back surgery and did not sleep a wink last night due to coming down with the flu.

When husband got up at 5:30, both girls were in the guest room with me and watching cartoons. He decided that since everyone was up so early he'd make a special breakfast of french toast and a fruit salad. Aly woke up on worse than the srong side ofthe bed. Everything she said was rude, obnoxious or pardom me, just plain dumb! Sorry!

Anyways, husband was able to get Jayme out the door and to daycare earlier than usual so that left alot, too much infact, time for Aly to hammer at me. Her outfit wasn't right, her hair was not right, her favorite socks weren't clean, she wanted to wear my cherished Bruce Springsteen sweatshirt...yada yada yada.

I had had it! I was tired, didn't feel good and was hurting so bad from coughing all night long. I screamed at her to shut the heck up and leave me alone till the bus got here. And, the one thing husband asked of her was if she could please vaccum the living room floor for me since my in home nurse and pt are due here this morning. I reminded her of her promise and she turned away and gave me the "talk to the hand". So, instead of even speaking to her, I got out that vaccum and did it myself. About half way through I had tears running down my cheeks from the pain, but stupid me kept on going till I finished, and we have a huge living/great room.

Afterwards I sat down on the couch and just bawled like a baby. Aly came up to me asking in such a saccrine sweet voice what was wrong. And, I let her have it with both barrels, no holds barred. Told her I might end up back in the hospital because now both legs had shooting pains and I was unable to feel my feel again. AND I BLAMED HER!!! Tell you the truth, I still don't feel bad that I told her, it was what I was feeling and I meant it.

Of course the bus pulled up at that second and she went into drama mama moment and the aid had to come drag her onto the bus, looking at me like I had just beaten the tar out of Aly. And you know what, I don't care.

husband is soooo stressed and stretched, he can't do anything more right now, I see he is at his breaking point with trying to keep up with work, home and everything else.

I just can't stop crying. Thank God my nurse will be here later this morning but I am afraid to tell her of this, she is a mandated reporter and I cannot handle CPS in our lives once again. Someone please, come take Aly for a long visit somewhere, I don't care where. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she is getting tired of mom being the patient/sick one and being asked to do what she considers more than her share of the work around here. All she was asked was to make her bed, put away her dirty clothes and vaccum.

I know this too shall pass and maybe later I will look at this and laugh, but right now I feel like an elephant is on my chest and there isn't any room for one more stinking thing.

I will have the nurse call the doctor for me and get me something strong to take for this cough, maybe knock me out for a couple of days.

I just can't take this anymore.

I am sorry.

Vickie

 

[stepmonster]

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
I can't say that I know how you feel, but my girlie can be quite when I'm ill. I think it scares them.
If I was in California I would come help you.
{{{{{hugs again}}}}}}

 

[amy4129]

Vickie,
What would CPS come for, you having a Mommy moment?? You are sick, in pain and overwhelmed. Talk to your homecare nurse...most of us aare normal,lol.
But in general we are a good lot AND DON'T CARE IF YOUR RUG IS VACCUMED! Beleive it or not we don't go back to the office and say "so and so didn't vaccum". Vickie we are happy if there is running water and no dog crap on the floor, I kid you not.
I'm glad the aide came and got your difficult child to the bus. I would just ignore the look and say something tomorrow like "thanks for helping." and be done with it.
Vickie, please be gentle with yourself you have to get better to take care of anyone else. Could anyone like to easy child 1 or2 help out even a little? Or maybe just have a big to little sibling conversation with little Miss Sunshine?
Hugs
Prayers for health,peace and quiet being said,
Amy

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh vickie...

I wish I was closer. Not that I would be much use physically, but I would haul Aly's hind end over and let her wander the area with the animals.

I do understand though. She isnt too young to do what you asked of her but I swear they go into some sort of meltdown when Mommy is sick. Its like they smell our weakness and go in for the kill. Dont worry about yelling at her. She wont be scarred for life because she finds out now that you are human and have pain and cant manage the weight of the world by yourself. I actually think its good for them to know these things.

Is there anyway at all you could qualify for any homemaker services because of your issues? Even if you could get someone to come in and do the heavy cleaning for a couple of weeks and make some frozen dinners it would help. Im also worried that you are still in so much pain. The weekend is coming up, can you call your dtr?

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Vickie}}} If I was in CA, I'd come over and help you out.

Like Janet said, perhaps your older kids can come help with some housework and/or dinners? Maybe come help with the mornings? Anything at all?

Hugs - please don't worry about the rugs, other people don't see what we see and if they do, they don't care. You're diabled and they know that, that's why they are there. Don't push any vacuums. Take care of yourself.

 

[Just keep swimming]

Thank you all. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and she helped me to get back into perspective. I know, the world will not end if my carpets aren't cleaned, it's more of how it all played out than anything at all.

Just having a very down day, guess that is expected after major surgery and having the dreaded flu!

Thanks for being here when I need y'all. My PT just drove up so maybe I'll get a massage today!!

Thanks and hugs,
Vickie
P.S. It just started snowing here so that is picking up my mood tremendously. We get just enough to look pretty and then it goes away.

 

[Lothlorien]

First off, I'm glad you wrote that second post, because I was going to yell at you for vacuuming. Who the heck cares if the place is a mess. I'm sure the nurse doesn't care if there is some lint on the floor, you just had surgery.

I would just let Aly do whatever, right now. Let her wear what she wants, within reason. let her eat what she wants and whatever. You are in pain and nothing else matters, right now. Don't do the dishes, don't vacuum, don't do the laundry. You shouldn't be doing anything. If the house needs to be cleaned, hire a cleaning company for a couple of weeks.

Seriously, I work for an Orthopedic Surgeon. I've heard more times than I can count, the diagnosis of FAILED BACK SURGERY. Please don't do that to yourself. It's not worth the years of pain you will be in.

Take care of yourself, right now. Don't let Aly get to you. Don't worry about what your house looks like. Get well. You won't be any good to anyone, until you do.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I just got off the phone with my boyfriend </div></div>

:nonono: :surprise: I had to read that 4 times before I realized you meant best friend and not BOYFRIEND :surprise: :nonono: ...and I was wondering, of course if your husband knew you were talking to your boyfriend after he left for work...and I was wondering if you really wanted to put it out in cyberspace that you have a boyfriend...and I was wondering if the doctor had you on pain medications that weren't working well for your back but were loosening your tongue... :rofl:

So I hope that reading about my misunderstanding made you smile, Vickie.

I don't think this morning's events will ever be anything that you can look back on and laugh. There isn't anything funny about being in that degree of pain and having to deal with an obnoxious kid. I'm sorry, Vickie. I agree that you need to do as little as possible right now to heal yourself. If Aly winds up in school in her pjs that's her problem and she can live with the natural consequences.

Gentle hugs,
Suz

 

[Just keep swimming]

Oh Suz, that cracked me up so much! OUCHY!! LOL!!!!!

Yes, I meant best friend NOT boy friend! I think this will really crack husband up, I can't wait to tell him!!!!!

PT just left and I got the "NO VACCUMING or anything else speech" which I am more than willing to listen to.

I am feeling better emotionally, physically not so much but will try to rest in between in home RN and Occupational Therapist (OT)! The no sleep is really starting to catch up with me now.

Thanks and hugs,
Vickie

 

[dreamer]

I am glad your friend helped.
I had to run off to court for my pcs case (she is the victim) but, I wanted to say a couple things.
I think when I got sick, and could not do things, well, first it was so hard to give up my job, cuz I really truly loved my job, and it was quite ironic going from care GIVER to care needer.....and LOL, of course I had enough ego to think noone could ever be as great of a caregiver as I was, LOL.........

Prior to becoming ill, I was an immaculate housekeeper, nevermind I worked so many hours, I was hypomanic and had the energy to back me up, and I was also a perfectionist and ultra organized etc. My husband was absolutely NO help at all, as he had been disabled many years prior to my illness, and my difficult child of course was no help at all, lost in her own illness and symptoms etc. ANd my easy child continued with all her excess of activities and my lil guy was very very young.
At first I was in such incredible horrendous pain, - truth is (prolly for the best) I have very little memory of the time when I was in so much pain,. most of that time I spent in a delerium. (my doctor refused me pain relief medications due to me admitting that in late 70s I had a fondness for quaaludes)
as my pain gradually lessened, I was horrified to realize that all my housework, and I do mean ALL of it waited for me. It was a shock, but - then I realized DUH, my family cannot or does not do anything, and I was beyond being able to try to get them to help. Oh boy how things looked caused me a serious mental decline in a big hurry, alas, I was still far too sick to do more than get myself to the bathroom.

Eventually I realized I would never ever be back to how I once was, and everything was up to me, whether I could do it or not. See, my husband lives in another world, I am not sure where that world is, but it is not THIS world. So- he is not going to be helping with ANYTHING, not ever again.....(actually I meet his needs, do his caregiviing, physically, and have for years) Something else- the kids? they do not have the same expectations for how the house looks as I do,. I could spend our time screaming at them to do some of those things, and dealing with the attitude backlash constantly, but.....to me that was worse than trying to learn to have um......less cleanliness. The things I could not always do as often or as well as I wanted them done sometimes sent me into me having to leave a room, or I might go insane seeing something left undone or not done to my previous standards, BUT I simply could NOT do some things sometimes. I used to think I owed it to our family to have the house be perfect, and I used to not be able to go to sleep at nite until the house was immaculate. Eventually I learned to accept some things, I learned I would not die if someone put back a spice jar out of alphabetical order. I learned the house will not collapse on us if I did not vacume for 6 months. I learned we get along better and build nice bonds with each other if I can accept the things they can and will do.
When I lost my best friend last year and when I lost my mom last year and my fav aunt who partially raised me- I learned something else. No, I did not learn my friends would step in to help- cuz - well, they are gone and can't........and I have been too sick for too long to make new friends so far- but I learned that um.........enjoying each other is even more important than vacuming. Sitting side by side can be better than me telling my son to empty the garbage right now.
When I had my first child, I became exhausted with people wanting to see her, and me thinking everything had to be neat and clean and me and her freshly groomed etc and dressed nice and me playing perfect hostess. within 3 days I was sick. I spent so much time trying to put up this front that I wore myself out and did not want to see anyone. WHY did I think 6 hours after birthing my dtr I should cook dinner for company? Yeesh many people are not even home from hospital that soon!
These days when I go out of town to sons eye doctor? I cringe and it is hard to come home sometimes, knowing there will be more mess than I can face after me being gone----BUT I no longer apologize. I have a disability. I cannot do everything, and I no longer even want to try. I am not going to apologize for being gone at eye doctor. I live in this house and I manage. If someone wants to come over they can accept my limitations or they can go elsewhere. My kids can either pitch in or live like slobs. Yes, even my youngest. even when he was very young.

SOmething else? Kids get unsettled when mom is sick. It scares them. That can make it harder for them to accomplish things, even if those things will please us. When it was clear my best friend was going to die and soon, she would freak out and scream at her husband and kids that they had to learn RIGHT NOW how to do this or how to do that? Well, truth was, sure they would have to learn how to wash dishes and do laundry BUT at that moment mostly THEY WANTED to just sit by her, talk with her be near her. They could have cared less if they had no clean clothes or clean dishes and the bills for that monmth did not get paid. They were busy being scared and soaking up mom time. Nothing else was at all important.

The people who love us do feel quite unsettled when we are hurt or in pain or sick. Sometimes it does help to give them a task to complete, but sometimes they just cannot access enough Umph to do the task. AND if it is a task they do not feel is important, they are going to resist doing it. If a vacumed carpet is not on their list of high priorities, they will feel it is unfair or dumb.

And I agree with the others, the home care people are not going to care or judge you if the carpet was not just now vacumed. They expect it, matter of fact it is a big red flag in a negative way if you DO vacume. It means you are not taking care of yourself properly. OR another way they might view it is that oh,. you CAN do these things for yourself, you do not need our help.

SOmetimes health problems DO interfere with normal routine day to day life. When you need others to do the things you normally do, they may not do it the same way you do. Or as often as you do. Thats cuz they are not you.
Take a deep breathe, and if the carpet bothers you next time? leave the room or close your eyes. I am hoping Aly did not further escalate over the incident. in my humble opinion for me, at my house, it would not have been worth a full blown meltdown or rage.

I am sorry you are still having so much pain and have the flu. PLease be careful and do what the docs say so you can heal!!!!!!

 

[Just keep swimming]

Dreamer,
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. That is exactly how I feel. I am ALWAYS had a clean house, "could eat off the floors" etc. So this not being able to do much of anything is making me crazy. I HATE asking for help, it is sooooo hard for me. So, the one time I ask, and Aly had that sort of reaction, I flipped out. Partially because of her blatent rudeness and meanness, but mostly because I had finally reached out and said "Look I can't do this, please help me" and was totally rebutted/denied.

Anyways, I am doing better now that PT, Occupational Therapist (OT) and the RN all yelled at me to stay the heck away from ANY house hold chores until after seeing the doctor on the 9th. And the fact that I am still hurting and having to take more pain medication than I'd like! Also it's snowing out and our yard and neighborhood never looked so beautiful, really helps, I love the snow! (from inside my cozy warm house with my warm, cuddly sweats on!)

Thanks to you all for being here. Bad morning/day but praying that when Aly gets off the bus we can make amends and just have a nice snuggly afternoon.

Hugs and much love,
Vickie

 

[timer lady]

And you vacuumed why????? Do you realize the mess my staff used to walk into on a daily basis. I lost pride in my home a long time ago. :faint:

Okay, done yelling at you (for the time being). :smile:

Vickie, I'm glad that your day has evened out for you. That your boyfriend (that's best friend, Suz :angel:) helped you through a hard time.

husband will survive...he's your life partner. You've carried each other through hard times & will do so again.

Wish I could find respite for Aly....note, I'm not offering to provide it for you? Sorry, just can't handle another drama queen, talk to the hand difficult child.

Take care, lady. :flower:

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">that's best friend, Suz </div></div>

:rofl:I'm still laughing about that! phew/whew! :rofl:

Suz

 

[Hound dog]

Vickie

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with recovery. What a rotten time to catch the flu.

Your care givers aren't going to care about the condition of your house. You are, afterall, recovering from major surgery. But I know where you're coming from. I used to have a major problem with people coming into my house when it was less than spotless literally. A chronic illness has helped me adjust to more normal standards.

There is nothing wrong with expecting Aly to pull her weight a bit. And I'm sorry but I see nothing wrong with your Mommy moment. I'd have done the same, and have in the past. Ok so maybe if you'd felt a bit better you'd have probably worded it differently. But it surely didn't hurt her to hear how she made you feel.

I'm glad your boyfriend (lmao Suz) helped you feel better today. Hope you can lick the flu quickly.

((((((hugs)))))))