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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 22347" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>I am glad your friend helped. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p>I had to run off to court for my pcs case (she is the victim) but, I wanted to say a couple things.</p><p>I think when I got sick, and could not do things, well, first it was so hard to give up my job, cuz I really truly loved my job, and it was quite ironic going from care GIVER to care needer.....and LOL, of course I had enough ego to think noone could ever be as great of a caregiver as I was, LOL.........</p><p></p><p>Prior to becoming ill, I was an immaculate housekeeper, nevermind I worked so many hours, I was hypomanic and had the energy to back me up, and I was also a perfectionist and ultra organized etc. My husband was absolutely NO help at all, as he had been disabled many years prior to my illness, and my difficult child of course was no help at all, lost in her own illness and symptoms etc. ANd my easy child continued with all her excess of activities and my lil guy was very very young. </p><p>At first I was in such incredible horrendous pain, - truth is (prolly for the best) I have very little memory of the time when I was in so much pain,. most of that time I spent in a delerium. (my doctor refused me pain relief medications due to me admitting that in late 70s I had a fondness for quaaludes) </p><p>as my pain gradually lessened, I was horrified to realize that all my housework, and I do mean ALL of it waited for me. It was a shock, but - then I realized DUH, my family cannot or does not do anything, and I was beyond being able to try to get them to help. Oh boy how things looked caused me a serious mental decline in a big hurry, alas, I was still far too sick to do more than get myself to the bathroom. </p><p></p><p>Eventually I realized I would never ever be back to how I once was, and everything was up to me, whether I could do it or not. See, my husband lives in another world, I am not sure where that world is, but it is not THIS world. So- he is not going to be helping with ANYTHING, not ever again.....(actually I meet his needs, do his caregiviing, physically, and have for years) Something else- the kids? they do not have the same expectations for how the house looks as I do,. I could spend our time screaming at them to do some of those things, and dealing with the attitude backlash constantly, but.....to me that was worse than trying to learn to have um......less cleanliness. The things I could not always do as often or as well as I wanted them done sometimes sent me into me having to leave a room, or I might go insane seeing something left undone or not done to my previous standards, BUT I simply could NOT do some things sometimes. I used to think I owed it to our family to have the house be perfect, and I used to not be able to go to sleep at nite until the house was immaculate. Eventually I learned to accept some things, I learned I would not die if someone put back a spice jar out of alphabetical order. I learned the house will not collapse on us if I did not vacume for 6 months. I learned we get along better and build nice bonds with each other if I can accept the things they can and will do. </p><p>When I lost my best friend last year and when I lost my mom last year and my fav aunt who partially raised me- I learned something else. No, I did not learn my friends would step in to help- cuz - well, they are gone and can't........and I have been too sick for too long to make new friends so far- but I learned that um.........enjoying each other is even more important than vacuming. Sitting side by side can be better than me telling my son to empty the garbage right now. </p><p>When I had my first child, I became exhausted with people wanting to see her, and me thinking everything had to be neat and clean and me and her freshly groomed etc and dressed nice and me playing perfect hostess. within 3 days I was sick. I spent so much time trying to put up this front that I wore myself out and did not want to see anyone. WHY did I think 6 hours after birthing my dtr I should cook dinner for company? Yeesh many people are not even home from hospital that soon! </p><p>These days when I go out of town to sons eye doctor? I cringe and it is hard to come home sometimes, knowing there will be more mess than I can face after me being gone----BUT I no longer apologize. I have a disability. I cannot do everything, and I no longer even want to try. I am not going to apologize for being gone at eye doctor. I live in this house and I manage. If someone wants to come over they can accept my limitations or they can go elsewhere. My kids can either pitch in or live like slobs. Yes, even my youngest. even when he was very young. </p><p></p><p>SOmething else? Kids get unsettled when mom is sick. It scares them. That can make it harder for them to accomplish things, even if those things will please us. When it was clear my best friend was going to die and soon, she would freak out and scream at her husband and kids that they had to learn RIGHT NOW how to do this or how to do that? Well, truth was, sure they would have to learn how to wash dishes and do laundry BUT at that moment mostly THEY WANTED to just sit by her, talk with her be near her. They could have cared less if they had no clean clothes or clean dishes and the bills for that monmth did not get paid. They were busy being scared and soaking up mom time. Nothing else was at all important. </p><p></p><p>The people who love us do feel quite unsettled when we are hurt or in pain or sick. Sometimes it does help to give them a task to complete, but sometimes they just cannot access enough Umph to do the task. AND if it is a task they do not feel is important, they are going to resist doing it. If a vacumed carpet is not on their list of high priorities, they will feel it is unfair or dumb. </p><p></p><p>And I agree with the others, the home care people are not going to care or judge you if the carpet was not just now vacumed. They expect it, matter of fact it is a big red flag in a negative way if you DO vacume. It means you are not taking care of yourself properly. OR another way they might view it is that oh,. you CAN do these things for yourself, you do not need our help. </p><p></p><p>SOmetimes health problems DO interfere with normal routine day to day life. When you need others to do the things you normally do, they may not do it the same way you do. Or as often as you do. Thats cuz they are not you. </p><p>Take a deep breathe, and if the carpet bothers you next time? leave the room or close your eyes. I am hoping Aly did not further escalate over the incident. in my humble opinion for me, at my house, it would not have been worth a full blown meltdown or rage. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry you are still having so much pain and have the flu. PLease be careful and do what the docs say so you can heal!!!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 22347, member: 1697"] I am glad your friend helped. :-) I had to run off to court for my pcs case (she is the victim) but, I wanted to say a couple things. I think when I got sick, and could not do things, well, first it was so hard to give up my job, cuz I really truly loved my job, and it was quite ironic going from care GIVER to care needer.....and LOL, of course I had enough ego to think noone could ever be as great of a caregiver as I was, LOL......... Prior to becoming ill, I was an immaculate housekeeper, nevermind I worked so many hours, I was hypomanic and had the energy to back me up, and I was also a perfectionist and ultra organized etc. My husband was absolutely NO help at all, as he had been disabled many years prior to my illness, and my difficult child of course was no help at all, lost in her own illness and symptoms etc. ANd my easy child continued with all her excess of activities and my lil guy was very very young. At first I was in such incredible horrendous pain, - truth is (prolly for the best) I have very little memory of the time when I was in so much pain,. most of that time I spent in a delerium. (my doctor refused me pain relief medications due to me admitting that in late 70s I had a fondness for quaaludes) as my pain gradually lessened, I was horrified to realize that all my housework, and I do mean ALL of it waited for me. It was a shock, but - then I realized DUH, my family cannot or does not do anything, and I was beyond being able to try to get them to help. Oh boy how things looked caused me a serious mental decline in a big hurry, alas, I was still far too sick to do more than get myself to the bathroom. Eventually I realized I would never ever be back to how I once was, and everything was up to me, whether I could do it or not. See, my husband lives in another world, I am not sure where that world is, but it is not THIS world. So- he is not going to be helping with ANYTHING, not ever again.....(actually I meet his needs, do his caregiviing, physically, and have for years) Something else- the kids? they do not have the same expectations for how the house looks as I do,. I could spend our time screaming at them to do some of those things, and dealing with the attitude backlash constantly, but.....to me that was worse than trying to learn to have um......less cleanliness. The things I could not always do as often or as well as I wanted them done sometimes sent me into me having to leave a room, or I might go insane seeing something left undone or not done to my previous standards, BUT I simply could NOT do some things sometimes. I used to think I owed it to our family to have the house be perfect, and I used to not be able to go to sleep at nite until the house was immaculate. Eventually I learned to accept some things, I learned I would not die if someone put back a spice jar out of alphabetical order. I learned the house will not collapse on us if I did not vacume for 6 months. I learned we get along better and build nice bonds with each other if I can accept the things they can and will do. When I lost my best friend last year and when I lost my mom last year and my fav aunt who partially raised me- I learned something else. No, I did not learn my friends would step in to help- cuz - well, they are gone and can't........and I have been too sick for too long to make new friends so far- but I learned that um.........enjoying each other is even more important than vacuming. Sitting side by side can be better than me telling my son to empty the garbage right now. When I had my first child, I became exhausted with people wanting to see her, and me thinking everything had to be neat and clean and me and her freshly groomed etc and dressed nice and me playing perfect hostess. within 3 days I was sick. I spent so much time trying to put up this front that I wore myself out and did not want to see anyone. WHY did I think 6 hours after birthing my dtr I should cook dinner for company? Yeesh many people are not even home from hospital that soon! These days when I go out of town to sons eye doctor? I cringe and it is hard to come home sometimes, knowing there will be more mess than I can face after me being gone----BUT I no longer apologize. I have a disability. I cannot do everything, and I no longer even want to try. I am not going to apologize for being gone at eye doctor. I live in this house and I manage. If someone wants to come over they can accept my limitations or they can go elsewhere. My kids can either pitch in or live like slobs. Yes, even my youngest. even when he was very young. SOmething else? Kids get unsettled when mom is sick. It scares them. That can make it harder for them to accomplish things, even if those things will please us. When it was clear my best friend was going to die and soon, she would freak out and scream at her husband and kids that they had to learn RIGHT NOW how to do this or how to do that? Well, truth was, sure they would have to learn how to wash dishes and do laundry BUT at that moment mostly THEY WANTED to just sit by her, talk with her be near her. They could have cared less if they had no clean clothes or clean dishes and the bills for that monmth did not get paid. They were busy being scared and soaking up mom time. Nothing else was at all important. The people who love us do feel quite unsettled when we are hurt or in pain or sick. Sometimes it does help to give them a task to complete, but sometimes they just cannot access enough Umph to do the task. AND if it is a task they do not feel is important, they are going to resist doing it. If a vacumed carpet is not on their list of high priorities, they will feel it is unfair or dumb. And I agree with the others, the home care people are not going to care or judge you if the carpet was not just now vacumed. They expect it, matter of fact it is a big red flag in a negative way if you DO vacume. It means you are not taking care of yourself properly. OR another way they might view it is that oh,. you CAN do these things for yourself, you do not need our help. SOmetimes health problems DO interfere with normal routine day to day life. When you need others to do the things you normally do, they may not do it the same way you do. Or as often as you do. Thats cuz they are not you. Take a deep breathe, and if the carpet bothers you next time? leave the room or close your eyes. I am hoping Aly did not further escalate over the incident. in my humble opinion for me, at my house, it would not have been worth a full blown meltdown or rage. I am sorry you are still having so much pain and have the flu. PLease be careful and do what the docs say so you can heal!!!!!! [/QUOTE]
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