Someone please respond please!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Just when my daughter starts to get on the right track the bottom falls out as usual!! She just started school she likes it, her boyfriend moved out and she was going to try to stay in the trailer with her son. So she calls the guy who is collecting the rent for the guy who owns it and he says he would work something out if she would have sex with him. He touched her breasts and said are these real? Then told her she looked mighty fine for 40. She has been trying really hard! She told him no and told the owner what he did and the other guy told him that she threw herself at him and had provocative clothing on, I know for a fact that didnt happen because her oldest son and his girlfriend were there, in another room. Now they are coming with a bailif on tuesday to throw her and her son out. So guess she goes back to the boyfriend because I cant handle her living with me! Why am I so mean why dont I feel like taking them in. Isnt that what a mother is suppose to do when her child is trying to get her life together? But I seriously would have a nervous breakdown if she lived here!!!! So she will probably just give up and go back to her pitiful life she was living before she finally got the guts to go to school! She was so excited because she just went to her first two classes and really enjoyed it. I just want to give up this whole ordeal will never end!! I am so down I cant stop crying!!!! I wish someone could help her!!!! Just about the time my family is all getting along again things just blow up all over again!! My two other kids always get caught up in the drama and im sure they are tired of all this too!!!! I feel like this is all my fault because I got involved with her loser dad 40 years ago. My other 2 kids are from a second marriage and are wonderful kids! I feel like they will start hating me for having to deal with her! I know im rambling but I feel like Im really gonna go into a full blown panic attack!!!!!
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am here, so tired. Others will be along, soon.

    Stick to what you know is right for you, and for her. She knows, as you know, that living with you will not work over time. Your child has made certain decisions against your advice. Your only task now is to love her, and protect yourself. I think the most helpful thing for you at this point will be to know what words to say: Those words are in the McCoy link at the bottom of my post.

    Our objective is to help our children become self-respecting adults.

    Moving home with you is not going to work.

    You know that.

    Information and Referral: 211

    What you need now is information. What the man did is illegal.

    Your child is forty years old.

    She will be fine.

    Tell her you love her. Tell her she knows as well as you do that it would not work over the long term for her to come home.

    Give her social services numbers.

    That is the best thing you could do, so tired.

    That will be daughter's decision.

    You know it will not work, for her to live with you.

    There is nothing more you can do.

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  3. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

  5. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    but why when she is trying to improve herself eveyrthing she tries fails!! And why do sleeze balls like that get away with what they do!! It just isnt fair !!!!!
  6. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I guess I don't understand how the owner can come with a bailiff to throw her out of the trailer. Is her name on the lease or was in it in boyfriends name?

    Is it possible to help her find a place vs. her going back to her boyfriend? Are you able to help financially if she found a place? Just thinking out loud for solutions for her since she is trying to go in the right direction with school.
  7. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I am unable to help financially . I am 10,000 dollars in debt from trying to help her multiple times before! I cant do it anymore!!
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Soooootired slow way down and breathe.
    You are absolutely correct, you cannot help her.
    It is okay.
    There are agencies out there, places where a single mother can get help. There is job training, we have a course in a community college where I live, especially for women in your daughters situation. They set folks up with good jobs after training them, because employers get incentives from the government.
    There is help out there, you are not the only resource.

    You are right, you cannot go down the tubes with this, you do not have to.

    All of our d cs have to learn how to make better decisions.

    They do not learn if we constantly rescue them.

    You will be helping her, by not helping her.

    You can do this, and so can she.

  9. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Not sure about where you are, but normally there are "eviction laws" and a process that has to be gone through legally to evict someone from a residence. Here, even if they haven't been paying rent and/or are destroying the property, you can't just show up and have an officer toss them out. All has to be done legally and I *think* here they give 30 days to vacate AFTER that process and they have been officially notified of eviction. This guy may just be blowing and going and not even know. I would advise her to find out her tenants' rights - she should have them even without a lease if she can prove (with mail at the address) that she lives there. If you called a police dept. here and asked them to come throw someone out? "That is a civil matter and you need to go through civil process." If it isn't criminal, they don't get involved until there is a court order.

    Perhaps that would give her time to relocate? If she paid deposits, I would want to know my rights as far as those go, too. If she isn't behind on rent and has done no damage, she is entitled to those back. Just some thoughts you could pass along...don't know how receptive she is...but if she isn't, that is her choice.

    Hope maybe this will help.
  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I understand not being able to help financially anymore. You are not mean- just standing your ground- you have been there and know that it ends in a bad situation for you.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is the first, most important thing she needs to do.
    The second thing she needs to do is to investigate pressing charges against this guy. Contact a sexual abuse hot-line for advice.
  12. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    The boyfriend moving out is a good thing, right? He was the one who wanted her to move out of the city so she couldn't go to school?

    I am not clear on why a bailiff is coming to evict her? Bailiffs do not do evictions.

    If she was that far behind on the rent, and her name is the one on the complaint, and an eviction action has already taken place, then she MIGHT be put out Tuesday. But why would she try to stay in the trailer with her son, knowing she only has a week before she is evicted? That doesn't make any sense. So it sounds like the owner must go through an eviction proceeding and she has some time.

    I am also very confused -- so the owner told your daughter that because his agent claimed she "threw herself at him and had provocative clothing on" that it was OK for the agent to request sex in exchange for rent? It seems like the owner would be bending over backwards to avoid a sexual harassment claim, if that is what his agent did. So that part of the story confuses me.

    I am also not sure why her only 2 choices are to go back with the boyfriend or move in with you. She has many options available that don't involve those 2 alternatives.

    Breathe, ST. There is no need to have a nervous breakdown here. There are many parts of this that don't add up, and you don't need to get emotionally, financially, or mentally involved on behalf of your 39-year-old daughter. She is quite capable of figuring this out on her own.
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Life is not fair, So Tired.

    Life is neither easy nor fair. You know this. Like we all have, you have battled unfairness all of your life and come away stronger for it. Your daughter has not been singled out. She is a grown woman intentionally telling you terribly painful things to throw you into protective mother mode so you will do what she wants you to do.

    That is what our Difficult Child children do.

    No one knows why. So, we are just going to let all those questions about how this might have happened rest quietly for awhile while we learn how to speak to, and parent, our Difficult Child Gift From God children appropriately for them. We are not always going to be here, So Tired. Our children, however troubled and however rottenly unfair their situations, are going to be required to step into adult status and parent themselves one of these days. Better it should be now, while we are still here, than once we are gone. If we don't help our difficult, complaining, forever poverty-struck and in-dangerous-situations children develop themselves into self-respecting adults, we are not fulfilling our responsibilities to them.

    We need to learn to parent differently.

    We need to learn about enabling, and about how that terrible, self-defeating circle works.

    We need to have a look at what we are teaching our children about themselves when we teach them to rely on us instead of themselves.

    We are teaching them to be victims, So Tired.

    That this happened now is a blessing in disguise. You are here with us, now. We get it. We have, every one of us, been right where you are. With one anothers' help and support, we were able to learn how to parent our Difficult Child effectively. It will take some time, and it will be hard, but we are all here for you.

    You are in a safe place.

    We can help.

    How will you tell your daughter she cannot move in with you?


    When we have been trying to save our children for a very long time, we can lose perspective, So Tired. Over time, and with so much help from the parents here, I was able to understand that my protectiveness was not helping my children.

    As long as the kids were focused on making the story bad enough to throw me into protective mom mode so I would leap in and solve whatever the problem was, they were not learning to rely on, or respect, themselves. It got to be the strangest, most terrible circle.

    One of the moms here pointed out to me that one of my children was intentionally hurting me ~ was shocking me into that FOG place to throw me into protective mother mode so I would be malleable, and defenseless, and would do what she wanted.

    And she was correct.

    I had to back away, So Tired, so the kids could learn to be
    self-respecting adults, and not victims.

    You do, too.

  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi So, I'm just not seeing this post. I'm so glad others responded.

    It is hard to watch our children suffer, it goes against our motherly instinct, for most of us anyway. Your daughter is a mother and she continues to put her child in situations that are unhealthy.

    I understand your daughter is trying and that is great. It's good that she signed up for school and likes it. Your daughter has made the choices she has to surround herself with people who do not have her best interest at heart and until SHE chooses to find different playmates not much will change. The good thing is she is making an effort, it's a start. Just like when an alcoholic stops drinking, it's a process. While they may stop the physical aspect of drinking, if they continue to go bars or hang out with people who drink they will have a very difficult time sticking to it and making positive changes.
    It is going to take time and continued effort on your daughters part for her life's circumstances to really improve.

    You are not a horrible person for not taking her in. It's not your place to take care of your 40 year old daughter. While it may not be the way you had hoped her life would go, your daughter is 40 and she has managed to muddle through.
    You have been there for her time and time again, you have put your own financial well being at risk by helping her. There is nothing more you can do for her but love her. She has to figure this out on her own and she will. It may not be what you would like or want and that is where we as the parents of these Difficult Child have to accept it.

    Just step back, slow down and breathe. Take care of yourself. Get away from her drama. Go for a drive or walk. Go to the zoo, go to a movie, take a long bubble bath, rearrange the furniture, just do something other than worrying about something you have no control over.

    BIG HUGS to you............:hugs:
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You know, if we have to go through eviction process to legally remove our adult d cs from our homes, how could your daughter get removed so quickly? I wonder, too.
    Are they staying there paying rent under the table? (Cash?)
    Perhaps they told her this story about the bailiff to scare her?
    Perhaps she is adding to her story to scare you?

    My daughters have told me many confabulated tales with all sorts of woes to get me into a tizzy, where I cannot even think. Then, they will swoop in with a request..........

    I agree with Tanya. Your daughter needs to figure this out, not you.

  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I third this. She is certainly old enough to make her own decisions without help from Mom.

    Double extra huggz. It's easy to say what is best, but harder to do it. We all know that.
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  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This does not make sense to me.

    As I say in every post where legal stuff will be bandied about: EVERY STATE IS DIFFERENT AND I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE...take this for what it's worth.

    If your daughter lives where your profile page says you live...this makes very little sense. I did very minimal research and found that self-help evictions are not allowed. It does appear that bailiffs may be the officials who do evictions, but that's AFTER the case has been heard and the tenant ordered to leave by the court.

    At a minimum, they have to file in court and she needs to be served with a summons at least 7 days before the court date.

    If they are to the point where a bailiff is coming to set her stuff out on the curb, she's already been served with a notice to quit, a summons for court and what they call a "red tag" has been done, telling her when to get out. If she's ignored all that...well, what are you going to be able to do?

    She needs to contact a legal aid attorney if she has no money. Perhaps they can help.

    I'm so very sorry you are in this position. Nothing is worse than fearing for your children and their uncertain futures. We all know that.
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  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

    One of the hardest parts of dealing with our DCs is even knowing whether and what parts of their story to believe. Our Difficult Child has told outlandish, unbelievable stories....some of which have been found to be true, some untrue, and some partially true. Mostly, there is no knowing whether there is any truth to them or not.

    One thing is for sure, though, ST: there is help for her through Social Services, possibly through Legal Aid, if she chooses to reach out and accept their help.

    She will be bumped to the top of the "list" for housing if she is homeless/getting evicted and has a young child. This would be considered an emergency situation. food stamps, medical, cash, utility assistance, schooling, job training, childcare, etc. is available to her as well. I have a good friend in the local community college that helps displaced homemakers/single mothers with getting a degree and services. I know your daughter is attending college classes right now, so she could reach out to them for help with getting to classes, childcare, etc. They often have a host of info that she may not know about.

    One other thing is true: she needs to learn that she can't expect and depend on you for help anymore. It really hasn't helped, anyway. Time to try something else.

    Please take care of yourself, ST.

    We are here for you.

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  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sootired. I just wanted to say Hi. You have gotten great advice and support from everybody and I agree with every bit of it.

    You are doing very well through this very hard thing. All of the feelings you have are a part of it. At least for me, they are.

    Your daughter will solve this. She must. Not you. We have to protect our homes, our sanctuaries, ourselves. You are doing it. It is the hardest thing in the word to watch our grown children suffer and flail. We must. It is the only way through it, for them. By showing her you believe in her capacity to do this, she will gain strength.

    Cedar is right. Better now while we are here.
    This is true. I believe this. I second it and third it.

    We are here with you, ST. Keep posting. You are doing it. You are a good Mom. None of this is your fault.