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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 607045" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm happy to hear you felt comforted...........we all need comfort to manage these issues our difficult child's bring to us...........</p><p></p><p>I would be devastated too JKF, you worked like a dog to make this all happen for him. I would have cried buckets as well.............and I have............for very similar reasons. I always think of that quote Cedar once said, "this is a personal devastation like no other." Yes, yes it is.</p><p></p><p>Oh JKF, you have to follow your heart and your instincts and give your son what your heart tells you to. None of us can judge another, we all have our own distinct path, our own unique kids and their own different issues..........each of us decides when we hit the end. You've heard all our stories, each one of us went the distance with our kids, to the very end of the road, wherever that road lead us we went......and for some of us, when the road ended, we dug new ground............just to keep going......... Only <strong>you</strong> will know when that road ends and perhaps it won't, there are some kids who wake up and yours may be one of them............or not. But, we <strong>all </strong>understand how much we <strong>all </strong>have to try. It is what it is. I always say this and I believe it with all my heart, <em>there is no right or wrong and it takes as long as it takes</em>.........this is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I have thought that with all our efforts, all the attempts we make and then all the disappointments we endure as a result of our kids not following through or worse, throwing the opportunities away.................that there comes a point where fate takes over and what is "supposed" to happen, happens............even it that is the worst possible outcome we as parents could have imagined...............that it is the 'soul' growth the person needed to have happen in order to heal/grow/learn/advance...............this may sound esoteric and a bit odd, really it's all just a jumble of random thoughts I've put together to make some sense of how my own child acts and responds in the world. </p><p></p><p>There seems to be a common thread among many of our kids..........in addition to the disrespect, entitlement, disregard for authority, nonchalance about rules and others rights...........there is also a profound and deeply desired need for <u>complete </u>freedom to do what they want to do............<strong><em>no matter what the cost. </em></strong></p><p></p><p>Only after coming on to this site did I realize how common a thread that is among many of our kids. I wonder if that need for freedom, precipitates the addictions and/or mental illness that some of our kids have...........if the need to do it their way is so remarkable that they begin to go crazy trying to fit in with the rest of us..........my daughter has always been a 'freedom fighter'..............odd and 'outside of the lines'........even before she went so south as to be unrecognizable to me. I recall Cedar telling a story about her daughter shaving her head, which made me think the same thing about her, are they made so differently that living a "normal" life by our standards........... along with the ensuing judgments we place on them for being "not okay"..............does that push them further into the abyss?.................further away from our reality, the reality most of us live within...........I don't know, but it makes me feel compassion for them. Which is not to be confused with allowing bad behavior or disrespect, I still believe we have to set strong boundaries and keep the toxicity and manipulation at bay............for me it is then more about focusing on myself, taking the judgment off of my daughter, setting strong boundaries against disrespectful or negative behavior and then surrounding her with love.............. and in my heart letting her go into her rightful place, wherever that is, <em>with my blessing, rather then my judgment</em>. Right now, that place is not only not with me, it is estranged from me.</p><p></p><p>Your son is young, if I were in your shoes, I would be doing exactly what you are doing.........I might follow MrMike's therapist's advice and limit my responses while I look for options in the background, allowing him to be "in the wind" for awhile as he possibly gets the gravity of his loss. Or he may not, my daughter never seemed to feel disappointment about that kind of stuff, I was the one who suffered greatly in the disappointment arena. </p><p></p><p>But maybe our kids just really don't want to be tied down in a boarding house or an apartment...........perhaps their need for freedom must be met in a way we can't even begin to understand. Maybe on some level he knows that and sabotaged those efforts because he knew he couldn't make that work. Even though to us, they would be safe, perhaps safety is the last thing they're looking for. My need for my daughter to be SAFE is in direct contrast to her need to be FREE and those worlds continuously collide...........they are in direct opposition. </p><p></p><p>The reality with your son is that at his age his brain is still maturing and the part that controls impulse and being able to recognize consequences BEFORE a desired event is not fully developed quite yet............so there is still room for growth and learning, so it makes sense for you to stick around in whatever capacity you want to, for as long as you want to. My daughter's brain has already developed, this is truly who she is at 40 years old. You have time to negotiate this territory IF that is what you choose to do. I was a frequent guest in that territory and now I've chosen to exit for my own sanity.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you, these are my own thoughts and musings which sometimes make sense to me and offers me solace and what I believe to be a glimpse into worlds I don't reside in............ <em>with all my heart, I wish my daughter didn't reside there either...</em>............but she does and now that I'm over here not trying to protect her or save her or fix her, I am now just trying to understand what happened to her and be in some manner respectful of that.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there JKF, you consistently make very good choices, you help, you back up, you let him know how much you love him while you keep yourself safe and set good boundaries. You are clearly modeling positive, healthy and appropriate parenting skill. This shot you just took didn't pan out, and you worked hard to keep him safe................but 'out there' somewhere is a better option. That's what keeps me healthy, that somehow, everything is working out the way it's supposed to, not necessarily the way I want it to, but ultimately the way I need it to. As always, sending you caring thoughts and gentle hugs............Good night............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 607045, member: 13542"] I'm happy to hear you felt comforted...........we all need comfort to manage these issues our difficult child's bring to us........... I would be devastated too JKF, you worked like a dog to make this all happen for him. I would have cried buckets as well.............and I have............for very similar reasons. I always think of that quote Cedar once said, "this is a personal devastation like no other." Yes, yes it is. Oh JKF, you have to follow your heart and your instincts and give your son what your heart tells you to. None of us can judge another, we all have our own distinct path, our own unique kids and their own different issues..........each of us decides when we hit the end. You've heard all our stories, each one of us went the distance with our kids, to the very end of the road, wherever that road lead us we went......and for some of us, when the road ended, we dug new ground............just to keep going......... Only [B]you[/B] will know when that road ends and perhaps it won't, there are some kids who wake up and yours may be one of them............or not. But, we [B]all [/B]understand how much we [B]all [/B]have to try. It is what it is. I always say this and I believe it with all my heart, [I]there is no right or wrong and it takes as long as it takes[/I].........this is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do. Sometimes I have thought that with all our efforts, all the attempts we make and then all the disappointments we endure as a result of our kids not following through or worse, throwing the opportunities away.................that there comes a point where fate takes over and what is "supposed" to happen, happens............even it that is the worst possible outcome we as parents could have imagined...............that it is the 'soul' growth the person needed to have happen in order to heal/grow/learn/advance...............this may sound esoteric and a bit odd, really it's all just a jumble of random thoughts I've put together to make some sense of how my own child acts and responds in the world. There seems to be a common thread among many of our kids..........in addition to the disrespect, entitlement, disregard for authority, nonchalance about rules and others rights...........there is also a profound and deeply desired need for [U]complete [/U]freedom to do what they want to do............[B][I]no matter what the cost. [/I][/B] Only after coming on to this site did I realize how common a thread that is among many of our kids. I wonder if that need for freedom, precipitates the addictions and/or mental illness that some of our kids have...........if the need to do it their way is so remarkable that they begin to go crazy trying to fit in with the rest of us..........my daughter has always been a 'freedom fighter'..............odd and 'outside of the lines'........even before she went so south as to be unrecognizable to me. I recall Cedar telling a story about her daughter shaving her head, which made me think the same thing about her, are they made so differently that living a "normal" life by our standards........... along with the ensuing judgments we place on them for being "not okay"..............does that push them further into the abyss?.................further away from our reality, the reality most of us live within...........I don't know, but it makes me feel compassion for them. Which is not to be confused with allowing bad behavior or disrespect, I still believe we have to set strong boundaries and keep the toxicity and manipulation at bay............for me it is then more about focusing on myself, taking the judgment off of my daughter, setting strong boundaries against disrespectful or negative behavior and then surrounding her with love.............. and in my heart letting her go into her rightful place, wherever that is, [I]with my blessing, rather then my judgment[/I]. Right now, that place is not only not with me, it is estranged from me. Your son is young, if I were in your shoes, I would be doing exactly what you are doing.........I might follow MrMike's therapist's advice and limit my responses while I look for options in the background, allowing him to be "in the wind" for awhile as he possibly gets the gravity of his loss. Or he may not, my daughter never seemed to feel disappointment about that kind of stuff, I was the one who suffered greatly in the disappointment arena. But maybe our kids just really don't want to be tied down in a boarding house or an apartment...........perhaps their need for freedom must be met in a way we can't even begin to understand. Maybe on some level he knows that and sabotaged those efforts because he knew he couldn't make that work. Even though to us, they would be safe, perhaps safety is the last thing they're looking for. My need for my daughter to be SAFE is in direct contrast to her need to be FREE and those worlds continuously collide...........they are in direct opposition. The reality with your son is that at his age his brain is still maturing and the part that controls impulse and being able to recognize consequences BEFORE a desired event is not fully developed quite yet............so there is still room for growth and learning, so it makes sense for you to stick around in whatever capacity you want to, for as long as you want to. My daughter's brain has already developed, this is truly who she is at 40 years old. You have time to negotiate this territory IF that is what you choose to do. I was a frequent guest in that territory and now I've chosen to exit for my own sanity. I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you, these are my own thoughts and musings which sometimes make sense to me and offers me solace and what I believe to be a glimpse into worlds I don't reside in............ [I]with all my heart, I wish my daughter didn't reside there either...[/I]............but she does and now that I'm over here not trying to protect her or save her or fix her, I am now just trying to understand what happened to her and be in some manner respectful of that. Hang in there JKF, you consistently make very good choices, you help, you back up, you let him know how much you love him while you keep yourself safe and set good boundaries. You are clearly modeling positive, healthy and appropriate parenting skill. This shot you just took didn't pan out, and you worked hard to keep him safe................but 'out there' somewhere is a better option. That's what keeps me healthy, that somehow, everything is working out the way it's supposed to, not necessarily the way I want it to, but ultimately the way I need it to. As always, sending you caring thoughts and gentle hugs............Good night............ [/QUOTE]
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