Something is definitely going on

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Sep 10, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child is MIA again. The last time I spoke to him was around 8 pm last night and he was on his way from the train back to his motel. He told me to call him in 45 min and I tried to call the room several times but he wasn't there. I went to bed but when my husband got up to leave for work just now I tried the room again. Still no answer. Then I looked at his FB and the two "friends" both were messaging him that they needed to get in touch with him ASAP and they need to get back into the motel right away to get their things etc. I have a really really bad sinking feeling that something bad has or is about to happen. Also today difficult child is supposed to have his rescheduled intake for the boarding room. He missed it last week due to his hanging out with these friends. Ugggh. It's only 5 am here but I'm up for good now. No way I can get back to sleep with my heart pounding out of my chest.
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I know I have no control over whatever is going on and I keep reminding myself of that. I also keep saying the serenity prayer. It's helping a bit but I just can't take this.
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Apparently difficult child got kicked out out the motel last night for not keeping the room clean. Wonderful. Now that he's kicked out for non compliance I doubt that the boarding room is even going to happen. Homeless once again. :,(
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Good Morning, JKF

    Have you heard from him, yet?

    I am glad you are using the tools you know about to get through this part. Where do you think he spent the night?

  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Hi cedar - yes, he messaged me this morning on Facebook saying that he was kicked out of the motel last night for not keeping the room clean. Im sure there's more to it than that bc i know for a fact he's been letting two other kids stay with him and that's a big no no. He spent the night on the streets. He's on his way to the day shelter now where he will be able to use a phone to call his caseworker. I'm surprisingly numb. I guess when someone goes through the same trauma over and over again eventually they become numb to it. That's how I'm feeling right now.

    There are tools and resources in place for him to use and this time he's going to have to be the one to get himself out of this situation whether it be find a shelter in another county or what? I just don't know what to do anymore. I really honestly have no clue.
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I know that numb feeling, JKF.

    It helps me to envision difficult child in the palm of God's hand. I am not so religious? But this imagery is so comforting. Sometimes? I put myself there, too.

    If the reality is any different? I will find out, soon enough.

    It has been helping me to believe for the best, too. You know, to believe the good thing is the one that's going to happen. It brings me a little peace, to believe that for the moment.

    And if the reality is any different? I will find out, soon enough.

    Keeping you and your son in my thoughts, JKF.

  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    He said that he thinks he will still be moving into the boarding house because it was set to happen this week but I'm not so sure. They're pretty strict at OTA and they made it clear to difficult child that if he messed up at the motel than he would be on his own. Sigh.

    Anyway, I'm at work (my sanctuary!) and am going to enjoy a nice big cup of cinnamon coffee and try not to think about everything right now. I keep repeating to myself that I have no control over this situation and whatever happens happens. It's helping.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry JKF, I also know that numb feeling. It sounds as if you've gotten yourself to a better place and recognize your lack of control....................having a sanctuary and a cup of coffee works wonders.

    Sometime in the last year or two I spent a lot of time where you presently are, I know Cedar has as matter how you look at it, it sucks. However, at some point, all those big holes we fall in begin to close up due to our understanding of our complete lack of control over our kids choices..............and instead of tumbling down a huge hole, we walk around the hole...........then one day, we avoid the street the hole was on. It's all you practiced your detachment skills and you feel a tad better. You'll keep doing that until one day, his choices won't impact YOU the same way, even if he continues making the same choices over and over again, YOU will be okay.

    I know your boy is young, I know how much you want to help him..............but he is making some interesting choices now which may throw all of your help overboard. If he gets into the boarding room, great, if he blew that option then HE will find another. There are always options, even if the option is he lives on the streets for now.

    What is absolutely clear is that you've done all you can do and then've done a wonderful, consistent and loving job getting him every possible benefit and advantage you could. If you are out of options now, so be it.............that is what is meant to be, that is his fate, perhaps this is the point you can in essence, stop. Or not. It's entirely up to you.

    Sending you big hugs. Hang in there and let us know what happens next.
  9. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Well it looks like yet another bridge has been burned. The MHA worker said that when his room was inspected after he was asked to leave last night they found holes punched in the walls and evidence of fires being started which is something new. He's never had a fire issue before so the MHA worker thinks it's the other kid who he's been hanging around with but it's just as much difficult child's fault bc it was HIS responsibility to keep people out of his room. This time he was DAYS away from getting a permanent room and now he's back on the streets. OTA is calling it quits with him. He blew it. Big time. I can't even comprehend it. He definitely caused his own homelessness due to his actions. The MHA worker is going to meet him at the soup kitchen and see if she can help him come up with a temporary solution but there aren't many left.

    You're right RE. I've done all I can. I've exhausted ALL options. He still doesn't understand why he can't live in our home but at least the MHA worker understands. She SEES firsthand WHY we can't have him there. Uggggh! He's going to have to figure out how to pick himself back up and if that means he's homeless than maybe that's what's meant to be. I'm so sick to my stomach and actually in tears at my desk right now but I do know that I have NO control over this situation whatsoever. I refuse to allow myself to feel guilt because I've done EVERYTHING in my power to get services set up for him again and again. Each and every time he fails. So sad and so frustrating but it is what it is. What ever will be will be.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy, I so know how you feel. I went crazy trying to set up resources for my daughter, amazing resources which would have kept her safe and fed and even back in college...............she did nothing. She was belligerent, she was entitled...........I was heartbroken, disappointed, angry, resentful, sad...........I was a mess. I did EVERYTHING and MORE until I was completely depleted. difficult child? She went blithely on her way, same as always.

    One day, driving home from the jail, after spending days trying to get her car out of impound and just writing check after check and crying in the car, SO says, "You know, it's like you and difficult child are in a row boat filling up with water, you are frantically, desperately plugging up the holes....................while difficult child keeps drilling new ones." I still recall exactly where we were, on what road, what the scenery looked like, how I felt, crying, desperate, scared..................and then I saw that he was right. It didn't matter how many holes I plugged up, she was ALWAYS going to be drilling new ones. That was when I began to stop. It was a completely futile adventure. It goes nowhere.

    My difficult child has survived without me, without any help from me. In fact, she is in the exact same place she was in before I began helping her. Nothing has changed. Except me. I have my life back.

    Take your life back JKF. You've done enough. Sending you many hugs. I know how you feel.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    He replied to my messages on Facebook and keeps saying that he knows this is his fault and the only way out of this cycle is for him to change and work hard and be strong. He said he wants to be a positive role model for his little brother and he's determined to do it and if it means he's in a crappy situation for a while than so be it. He said he got himself into it. Death is not an option he said. Definitely not the usual difficult child spiel I get so maybe there's hope?? Ughhhh! H-O-P-E - it's never gotten me far and I'm not a fan of that word these days!
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I am definitely trying RE. Day by day. I appreciate your support as always!!!!
  13. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    As much as I'm trying to (and at times successfully do) detach it still hurts when something like this happens. I feel like I've been physically beaten. I'm so sad and so depleted. I am sitting here at my desk trying not to cry. I was ok when he was safely sheltered but now that he's back on the streets I have the "what if's" again. Some of you might remember that this whole "adventure" initially happened in October of last year and I feel like here we are again - a year later and nothing has changed. Winter will be here before we know it and that's the absolute worst. Thinking that he'll freeze to death every single night as I snuggle down under my covers. OMG - I can't do this again. I just can't. I could literally be sick right now.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    (((((HUGS))))) I know how you are feeling. It is SO difficult to watch them make the same bad choices over and over. Just try to remember while you are snuggled, that he is choosing not to be...
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    One time, when difficult child son needed to be home, husband built him a room in the garage. (Actually, we did that because difficult child had two ~ count 'em, two ~ Rotwielers. And we had white carpeting.) difficult child was able to eat with us, use the shower and so on. We ran satellite and internet up there for him. He was cozy and warm and yet, we had privacy from him, and he had somewhere to go when he wanted to be mouthy.

    difficult child is really angry about that to this day.

    He tells everyone we made him live in the garage.

    Once he moved on, we took the walls down again, so when he tells people that? It does look pretty bad!

    It worked for us, for awhile. Eventually, it stopped working, of course. That is what difficult children do.

    I think difficult child was like, 28, when we did that.

    Just a thought.

  16. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    We don't have a garage. But the thing is Cedar - even if we did it's not a solution in our case. He could never live that close to us. We simply don't trust him after EVERYTHING that has happened. He has raged and destroyed our belongings and even threatened to kill me in the past. He does what he wants to do (still to this day!) and has stolen so many times from us and when confronted turns violent. We lived like that for years and I will never do it again! It took over every aspect of every single one of our lives - myself, husband and easy child suffered for years because of difficult child's issues. My easy child is finally doing well after a consistent structured family life, no at home difficult child drama, daily medication and weekly therapy. It has taken years to undo all of difficult child's influence on easy child. And that right there kills me to say because when I do I feel like I'm choosing easy child's well being over difficult child's. But that's soooo not the case! I have set up services and shelter for him again and again and again and each time he takes what he needs and leaves it behind without looking back. I have been there to bring him food, give him rides, help with laundry, give spending money, take him shopping, etc, etc, etc and never once has it been enough to keep him from going off the deep end. I feel so hopeless and defeated.

    Do I feel like the worst mother in the world because I won't allow him to live in our home? YES! I do. My heart hurts so bad today.
  17. MrMike

    MrMike Member

    JKF, I totally understand how you feel. You are probably one of the best mother's in the world, though. It's just an extremely difficult position you're in, that's what it is. I know that feeling ... I kicked out my son one night at 11:30, out into the darkness, with just a backpack, no food, no money. He was getting violent, and I had to kick him out. I cried that night. My guts ached. I was feeling all the feelings that I assumed he was feeling ... rejection, isolation, abandonment. Later, he told me he slept in our shed that night. I think the thing is that he went, willingly. He didn't try to stay. He didn't try to apologize. He sort of knew he was being kicked out for a reason. As my therpist always tells me: "He is not out of your house for no reason. You didn't just decide to be mean to him and kick him out. He chose to do the things he did, and that is why he is out of your house."

    My son is currently out of my house, and will run out of places to stay soon. It is getting cold up here in New England. Soon he will have harder choices to make. Will he change and agree to behave and come home? I don't know. Will he end up on the street? I dont know that either. Two things I do know: 1. I will feel like **** when it gets cold and he has nowhere to stay, and is homeless, on the streets, etc. 2. I absolutely cannot let him back into my house until I know he will not have a toxic effect on my family. I hope he changes, I hope he learns. I am also changing, learning. I am learning how to set my boundaries for me and my family. I feel if I set them appropriately, I will be doing the right thing for my family, including my difficult child.

    But, I totally relate to how you feel. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. It is sickening, as you say. You feel like a criminal. You feel like a bad person. You feel sick. It is not of your doing though. It is his doing. He has done this to himself. And I think you know you cannot allow him back home until he decides to change. You would be doing him a disservice by doing so. You would be telling him it is ok for him to make the decisions he makes. I feel for you JKF. I really do. Try to focus on you and your family as the most important things to take care of, and realize that you are still loving and helping your son by insisting that he learn how to be responsible and respectful of others, and not allowing him to destroy your home, and the others in it. He needs to change, not you. You have done everything a mother can do. As RE often says, your difficult child is the only one who can fix his problems. You have no control over him or what he does. Time to detach a little more.

    Take care, and God bless. I will be praying for you and your family.
  18. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs and prays.
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you JKF, I know how much your heart is hurting today, I am so sorry. Think of me, Cedar, MrMike, Flowergarden, PG and all the other parents here who've been in the same shoes.............think of us circling around you with all our empathy and caring............we're holding you up JKF, we're all here for you.................hugs........
  20. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Detachment is the hardest, scariest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I told one of my friends that getting over the guilt was so difficult for me, she said she never felt guilt from her difficult child's antics, she had raised all of her children the same. I felt I should have married a much more stable person and my children suffered from my bad decisions. She told me she was certain, regardless the circumstances, the difficult children would make the same bad choices.

    I can never understand why these children choose such a hard path, for us it is so simple, not for them. I really want to shake mine until some sense rolls to the area in his brain it is supposed to be.

    I hope you are feeling better today, it is so out of your control. I let my worries affect my health, don't do that.
    (((take care of yourself)))