JKF, I totally understand how you feel. You are probably one of the best mother's in the world, though. It's just an extremely difficult position you're in, that's what it is. I know that feeling ... I kicked out my son one night at 11:30, out into the darkness, with just a backpack, no food, no money. He was getting violent, and I had to kick him out. I cried that night. My guts ached. I was feeling all the feelings that I assumed he was feeling ... rejection, isolation, abandonment. Later, he told me he slept in our shed that night. I think the thing is that he went, willingly. He didn't try to stay. He didn't try to apologize. He sort of knew he was being kicked out for a reason. As my therpist always tells me: "He is not out of your house for no reason. You didn't just decide to be mean to him and kick him out. He chose to do the things he did, and that is why he is out of your house."
My son is currently out of my house, and will run out of places to stay soon. It is getting cold up here in New England. Soon he will have harder choices to make. Will he change and agree to behave and come home? I don't know. Will he end up on the street? I dont know that either. Two things I do know: 1. I will feel like **** when it gets cold and he has nowhere to stay, and is homeless, on the streets, etc. 2. I absolutely cannot let him back into my house until I know he will not have a toxic effect on my family. I hope he changes, I hope he learns. I am also changing, learning. I am learning how to set my boundaries for me and my family. I feel if I set them appropriately, I will be doing the right thing for my family, including my difficult child.
But, I totally relate to how you feel. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. It is sickening, as you say. You feel like a criminal. You feel like a bad person. You feel sick. It is not of your doing though. It is his doing. He has done this to himself. And I think you know you cannot allow him back home until he decides to change. You would be doing him a disservice by doing so. You would be telling him it is ok for him to make the decisions he makes. I feel for you JKF. I really do. Try to focus on you and your family as the most important things to take care of, and realize that you are still loving and helping your son by insisting that he learn how to be responsible and respectful of others, and not allowing him to destroy your home, and the others in it. He needs to change, not you. You have done everything a mother can do. As RE often says, your difficult child is the only one who can fix his problems. You have no control over him or what he does. Time to detach a little more.
Take care, and God bless. I will be praying for you and your family.