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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 608221" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>You are right, Janet. That understanding helped me see my own son as the man he had become. As moms, we can weaken our sons by seeing them as weak and ineffectual, or we can strengthen them by seeing them as strong and capable, whatever they might be doing in the moment.</p><p></p><p>I am still learning about that one. I think sometimes I respond to the neediness (which I shouldn't) out of shock. What I need to do is hold steady and expect that my adult kids will deal with it. I am trying to do that, now. It's so much about whether I see them as capable adult people, or as foolish people who cannot take care of themselves.... You wouldn't think it would work this way with adult children, but I am wondering, lately, whether troubled adult kids are seeking attention in a way. I mean, think about this: when the kids are grown up, we tend not to focus on them. We've been through the wringer with them, and what we want to do is get back to our own lives. Maybe there is some underlying dynamic having to do with dependency or having made such bad decisions in the past that it affects the sense of efficacy now or ~ I don't know. But there is something so different going on with our troubled kids.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could figure it out.</p><p></p><p>But I do know that I am trying to interact with my children in a different, more positive way. Part of that is that I am trying to look at their actions as part of the adventures of their lives ~ not as my failure, but as their adventure, from which they will learn all the things they need to know.</p><p></p><p>It's a very different thing, for me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 608221, member: 1721"] You are right, Janet. That understanding helped me see my own son as the man he had become. As moms, we can weaken our sons by seeing them as weak and ineffectual, or we can strengthen them by seeing them as strong and capable, whatever they might be doing in the moment. I am still learning about that one. I think sometimes I respond to the neediness (which I shouldn't) out of shock. What I need to do is hold steady and expect that my adult kids will deal with it. I am trying to do that, now. It's so much about whether I see them as capable adult people, or as foolish people who cannot take care of themselves.... You wouldn't think it would work this way with adult children, but I am wondering, lately, whether troubled adult kids are seeking attention in a way. I mean, think about this: when the kids are grown up, we tend not to focus on them. We've been through the wringer with them, and what we want to do is get back to our own lives. Maybe there is some underlying dynamic having to do with dependency or having made such bad decisions in the past that it affects the sense of efficacy now or ~ I don't know. But there is something so different going on with our troubled kids. I wish I could figure it out. But I do know that I am trying to interact with my children in a different, more positive way. Part of that is that I am trying to look at their actions as part of the adventures of their lives ~ not as my failure, but as their adventure, from which they will learn all the things they need to know. It's a very different thing, for me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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