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Son 32 Still lives with parents
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<blockquote data-quote="JMom" data-source="post: 757509" data-attributes="member: 19892"><p>Hi Andy,</p><p></p><p>I have enjoyed watching your story unfold during your conversation with Copa. She has certainly earned her stripes in this arena. It was her straight talk that pulled me out of despair. I was so incredibly broken when I came here. I am sad that you and your wife are so strained. It seems that she has been to a point where she is fed up as well. I think her self-isolation is her way of self-care. I am sure she sees every bit as much as you do, she has just retreated. I get it, as there were several times that I just shut down.</p><p></p><p>I am proud of you guys for your fierce loyalty to one another during this whole situation. I feel differently about love. I think the love between you and your wife IS enough. It will bring you closer when boundaries are set. I am happy that you gave us some background on your story. I am sorry about your brother. I was a little confused. Did he have an accident or commit suicide? I have to say, with all that has happened in your lives, I completely understand your wife not wanting to put him out. That being said, I think she will get there.</p><p></p><p>Keep your mouth shut! I'm kidding, but seriously, let her make some decisions, boundaries and she too will get there. My husband kept him mouth shut during my son's addiction. I saw the disappointed, frustrated look he gave me every time I let my son back in the house.</p><p></p><p>After he got sober, I cried and told my husband that his silence helped me to get fed up on my own. I already knew how he felt, I didn't need further stress, guilt and judgement. I told him I was grateful for his support of ME, which was so important during that time.</p><p></p><p>I say, continue to protect her and her feelings, as well as you and yours. Your gentleness towards her would no doubt be appreciated. You guys made it this long sharing the same morals, values and love.</p><p></p><p>One of the first steps I took toward boundaries with my son was to tell him that I had sacrificed my morals to support his lack thereof. I told him the reason I DON'T do drugs is because I don't believe in turning your mind over to something else. I gave him the analogy of him riding in a car and the driver jumping out the window. You have now put someone else in the driver's seat and that person is high as hello.</p><p></p><p>I also said that I don't steal and take advantage of other people. I told him that those are all things HE had chosen to do and that I was now lying for him. My final stance was that I don't do drugs because I don't want to sacrifice myself to worship a drug. He could take his drugs and new morals and live somewhere else because I refuse to bear the consequences and financial ruin that HE created. I also said that I was sorry for not teaching him skills at 15 to take care of himself.</p><p></p><p>I told him it was going to be rough but that he had to learn now or it was like I was leading a lamb to slaughter. When I die, no grown person in their right mind would take care of a grown man. He was 15 when he started using, so when he first got sober, he still acted 15 (he was 21). It took about 6 months but he grew up fast and started behaving age appropriately. He grew up so fast that it shocked me. </p><p></p><p>Andy, here the kicker for you and your lovely bride: This is all <strong>100% preventable </strong>and your <strong>son</strong> is the <strong>ONLY </strong>person that can decide not to do drugs. This disease is different than most, it affects the brain and often causes mental illness, BUT, he gives it to himself. Most other diseases are not preventable.</p><p></p><p>He didn't catch this disease by any other means than <strong>CHOICE</strong>. I say this to help relieve your feelings of guilt. You did not do this to him, neither did your wife or your past family tragedies. He did this and he can decide not to do this.</p><p></p><p>Andy, please stop giving this grown man money. Just please. Choose differently. You ALL have choices here to make, model good ones for him, such as boundaries, financial responsibility and strong values. </p><p></p><p>I say all this as suggestions and things that have worked for me. I'm not actually telling you what to do. Every situation is unique, but have similar solutions. I've made so many mistakes, suffered far too long and let my son run over us like a doormat. It felt really good to take up for myself and he was proud of me, despite it cutting him off.</p><p></p><p>I feel protective of you as well. Keep your lovely wife close in hand. Don't let her go, do it together. I'm praying for all three of you and hope you get it figured out. I think you both are well on your way to success and self-care. </p><p></p><p>I can't wait for you to have your sober son back (this is my prayer) and for God's sake get back in her bed. (If she will let you). wink wink. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" />.</p><p></p><p>Jmom</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JMom, post: 757509, member: 19892"] Hi Andy, I have enjoyed watching your story unfold during your conversation with Copa. She has certainly earned her stripes in this arena. It was her straight talk that pulled me out of despair. I was so incredibly broken when I came here. I am sad that you and your wife are so strained. It seems that she has been to a point where she is fed up as well. I think her self-isolation is her way of self-care. I am sure she sees every bit as much as you do, she has just retreated. I get it, as there were several times that I just shut down. I am proud of you guys for your fierce loyalty to one another during this whole situation. I feel differently about love. I think the love between you and your wife IS enough. It will bring you closer when boundaries are set. I am happy that you gave us some background on your story. I am sorry about your brother. I was a little confused. Did he have an accident or commit suicide? I have to say, with all that has happened in your lives, I completely understand your wife not wanting to put him out. That being said, I think she will get there. Keep your mouth shut! I'm kidding, but seriously, let her make some decisions, boundaries and she too will get there. My husband kept him mouth shut during my son's addiction. I saw the disappointed, frustrated look he gave me every time I let my son back in the house. After he got sober, I cried and told my husband that his silence helped me to get fed up on my own. I already knew how he felt, I didn't need further stress, guilt and judgement. I told him I was grateful for his support of ME, which was so important during that time. I say, continue to protect her and her feelings, as well as you and yours. Your gentleness towards her would no doubt be appreciated. You guys made it this long sharing the same morals, values and love. One of the first steps I took toward boundaries with my son was to tell him that I had sacrificed my morals to support his lack thereof. I told him the reason I DON'T do drugs is because I don't believe in turning your mind over to something else. I gave him the analogy of him riding in a car and the driver jumping out the window. You have now put someone else in the driver's seat and that person is high as hello. I also said that I don't steal and take advantage of other people. I told him that those are all things HE had chosen to do and that I was now lying for him. My final stance was that I don't do drugs because I don't want to sacrifice myself to worship a drug. He could take his drugs and new morals and live somewhere else because I refuse to bear the consequences and financial ruin that HE created. I also said that I was sorry for not teaching him skills at 15 to take care of himself. I told him it was going to be rough but that he had to learn now or it was like I was leading a lamb to slaughter. When I die, no grown person in their right mind would take care of a grown man. He was 15 when he started using, so when he first got sober, he still acted 15 (he was 21). It took about 6 months but he grew up fast and started behaving age appropriately. He grew up so fast that it shocked me. Andy, here the kicker for you and your lovely bride: This is all [B]100% preventable [/B]and your [B]son[/B] is the [B]ONLY [/B]person that can decide not to do drugs. This disease is different than most, it affects the brain and often causes mental illness, BUT, he gives it to himself. Most other diseases are not preventable. He didn't catch this disease by any other means than [B]CHOICE[/B]. I say this to help relieve your feelings of guilt. You did not do this to him, neither did your wife or your past family tragedies. He did this and he can decide not to do this. Andy, please stop giving this grown man money. Just please. Choose differently. You ALL have choices here to make, model good ones for him, such as boundaries, financial responsibility and strong values. I say all this as suggestions and things that have worked for me. I'm not actually telling you what to do. Every situation is unique, but have similar solutions. I've made so many mistakes, suffered far too long and let my son run over us like a doormat. It felt really good to take up for myself and he was proud of me, despite it cutting him off. I feel protective of you as well. Keep your lovely wife close in hand. Don't let her go, do it together. I'm praying for all three of you and hope you get it figured out. I think you both are well on your way to success and self-care. I can't wait for you to have your sober son back (this is my prayer) and for God's sake get back in her bed. (If she will let you). wink wink. ;). Jmom [/QUOTE]
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