Son 32 Still lives with parents

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Andy4382, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    Need some help with this. He is a addict, Heroin now.Tried several programs over the last 10 years or so and he just want complete them or walk out or some excuse to leave like they where the bad person. All his belongings has been given to him over the years and his car he got for $1500 form aunt worth $5000. They love him like he is there child and do anything for him.He has his own room and bathroom to himself at our house. We have no boundaries in this house but should. He had a girlfriend few years back that even moved her in and she was as bad as he was. We finally got them out couple years ago and he came back 8 months later with out her and that's been two years now. He cant get a good job because he cant pass drug test. He only wants to work for me but I cant keep him busy all the time. Tried to tell him to work 2 jobs, your single. He has chances but want take advantage of them by quitting drugs. We notice some money was disappearing when his girlfriend was here and they denied taking it. Well now he has stole from my change bucket, debit cards, credit cards, wrote out checks from my business account, stole from his aunt that sold him the car, takes money out of our billfold and purse to support his habit. So he has been caught several times by us now. Took title to his car and barrows money from cash advance places and has been bailed out twice by my wife and his aunt. Just recently he has done it a third time and not going to bail him out. Tied rehab again but walked out after 30 days so I had him arrested for writing checks and credit card fraud .While he was in rehab and jail for those 5 weeks it was a relief knowing we had peace around. Yes me and my wife have or fights between us and many with him. So a week later they let him out because of covid-19. Now he is back at our place living with us again. I fell he is taking advantage of us all the time. He wants to come and go as he pleases, wants his privacy in my house, a year ago I told him to wash his own cloths. He will mow the yard and weed eat but you have to tell him to do that. Always tries to get out of doing things around the house or half ass does it so we can do it. I can go on and on....Any advise would be appreciated. Thank you .
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    He desparately needs long-term treatment followed by living in a half way house not your home. Through this path he will learn to take responsibility for himself . Half way houses typically require attendance at Narcotics Anonymous meetings which helps addicts achieve long-term sobriety. Will he have to complete jail time/ rehab after Covid19 is over?

    When someone in our family is ill with the disease of addiction, the whole family is ill. You did not cause, and cannot control or cure your son's disease but you also need help desparately because you have been affected by your son's illness. Attend Nar-anon, or if they don't have them in your area, Al-anon meetings.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hi and so very sorry you are going through this. I am a little confused. Does he live with you and your wife? Is this a nephew?

    I can tell you that I am in Al Anon and have been in Nar Anon and we are told not to help a drug addict do anything he can do for himself, especially not give money or possessions. Often they use the money or sell the possessions for drugs. Plus the addict has no reason to change if we make them comfortable.

    I would not live with a heroin addict, even a child.

    Having said that, not one of us has any control over anyone but ourselves. We can not contrlol our kids, our other relatives or our spouses. All we can control is our reactions. If your wife insists this young man live with you and gives him things, you have to decide what you are going to put up with until you set a strong boundary such as "If Joe doesn't move out in the near future I will have to leave" or anything you feel works better for you. If you don't change yourself and your reaction, which is all you can control, then nothing will change in the family and you can't expect it.

    In my nar Anon group is an ex heroin addict who has been clean 30 years. Now his 35 year old child has been an addict for years. He also sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) this year. He lives in a state far away and is not allowed to come home. He refused to get help long term and has been in many rehabs but he always leaves. Nobody can make an addict get help or stay in care. This father recalls he did not get clean until his parents died and he got no help. In his sons case he no longer gets help but he is as bad an addict as ever. He may not quit. He may die first. He lives on the streets and almost died this year, but he wants to stay in the streets and not go into rehab near his father. He knows his son may die and that he has no power to stop it.

    I guess my point is that, yes, your situation is intolerable and, yes, this young man needs help. In regards to your situation you need to decide if you will set boundaries that you will follow through with or if you would rather let things be. And this young man needs help. You can't force him to get it and stick with it. Period. It is out of anyone's hands but the addicts.

    I highly recommend Al Anon or Nar Anon. They have online groups so you can start even during this pandemic.

    Wishing you love, hugs and.prayers. This is not easy.
  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds like you and your wife have to get on the same page before you can do anything about your son. Then you need to decide whether it is in your or his best interest to let him stay there. I agree with your decision to press charges even though the system failed. It sends a message. There is an article on detachment on the forum page it might help to read. It might also help to go to counceling with your wife to get some help and encouragement to know how to set boundaries. Look at their credentials and choose one who deals with addiction. Hope you are able to find the answers you need here the people here will understand what you are going through. Prayers.
  5. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    Thank you for reply. My wife and I have been married 37 years with ups and down like all married folks. He lives with us in our home so we have eyes on him. We are so scared he will get bad drugs and she doesn't want him on the streets. He has rob us here in our house of a few valuables and our sanity. At first about 10 months ago When he goes on this thing (drugging)he does you cant tell he has done it until we check our credit card statements bank statements and getting letters in the mail where he has barrowed money form cash advance places from his car title. That's about 30 days on car title and he is very good at hiding things and what he has done. Until he is caught and he is so sorry. Now we watch or statements a lot closer. Like I said we came to a decision to have him arrested for $6000 or so he stole this last time after he left rehab center where we knew the person running the program 80 miles away. We didn't want to put him in the court system but we had no choice this time. I love my child, the stuff he has done to my wife over these years is almost unforgivable at this stage of my life. She has went out of her way to help him but he will not listen to anyone at this point. She prays everyday to keep him a live just one more day that will be the day he realizes what he has been doing to her and his self to change his way. His court date is postponed until this covid-19 stuff is over. Hopefully it will be sooner than later. Wanting the judge to convict him to do rehab for at least one year or else the other. I have read that it could take at least 3-5 years to get off heroin? Yes he has ravished or whole family. We all love him and I do believe he loves all of us. We all love him but hate the addiction. I have always heard that you do worst things to loved ones than to strangers, he has proven that point. Some times I fell I have done him the same way. Some times I am ashamed The way I treat him because of the addiction. I can holler, threaten and just not be nice. I am going to look for some help for my wife and I. We live in a small town away from big cities. I Thank you so much for your concerns and knowledge, your a big help to me.
  6. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    Yes I would love to see him do long term treatment. Goes to court for first appearance when started back up after covid-19 is over. Want he appointed to rehab if judge approves, but if its jail we cant help that. Yes the whole family is ravished. I will be looking for help for my wife and I. thank you .
  7. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    We love or son, we love each other. We are in a bad situation. We are trying to stay on the same page by having him arrested. That was hard for her and I was mad at the time of the arrest in or driveway because he left rehab after 30 days. I will check the article. I am willing to do counceling for her and I, if we can find the right one. We tried marriage counceling one time and it made us talk about what we didn't want to, didnt let us move forward so we stopped that. Thank god it was awful. Any parents that doesn't have marriage problems with and addict son is not telling the truth. We have had our share over the years with that and other life crises that comes around. Thank you so much for your reply
  8. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    Yes you are right, but tell that to addict that says he do it himself. He has tried for over ten years and has failed every time. Will not listen and will not except help. Has not had his first appearance in court after arrest. Would like for judge to appoint him to rehab.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    It's a sad state of affairs for you to have a heroin addict in your home. That is what we call enabling here and we've all done it but once you realize you are doing it then you should take the necessary steps to stop doing it.

    It won't help him and it certainly won't help you. He is a grown man and needs to be on his own and he will never stop the drugs and take responsibility for his life as long as he is in your home. You won't live forever.

    Please listen to the people here who are very compassionate and have great advice. Saying NO doesn't mean you don't love him. All of us here love our children.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  10. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    Thanks for your comment.
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Of he's using heroin, you won't be able to reason with him. I'm sorry he has done this.
  12. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    I know he has been using in the past and he is hard to reason with while on it. We know he can go weeks with out it but he can relaps at any time. He has always been if its black to everyone else its white to him. Thanks for your comment.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Even watching him like a baby in your home can't protect him from bad drugs. There are parents whose children died, in their home, in their bed.
    Look. You did the right thing. You know it was the right thing.
    He is back because you and your wife allowed it. The only way this will stop is if you will stop it. All of the rest of us have been in this same place. The names change. The drugs change. We have been the same. Until we stop.

    There are sober living homes that are free. They provide program, supervision, housing, board and support to be clean and to change. That's where your son belongs. Not with you. We are parents. As long as we help them when they're living badly, we are helping them to live badly. You can do this.

    We're glad you're here and hope you stay. It helps.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  14. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Hi Andy,

    I can tell that you love your son, even if you turned him in. That was a great step towards teaching him accountability. I would love for your wife to be part of this conversation. Most of us here are moms and dads of addicts. Putting your son out is going to be really hard for your wife. I had to do it to my son when he was 19-ish. I bought him a tent and dropped him off in the woods. I have been where you are now. You do not have to do what I did. He spent 8 months on the streets and then cleaned himself up for about 3-4 years. He recently relapsed but is on his own still, so my marriage and house will stay in tact.

    Drug abuse is so harmful to the entire family and comes between a husband and wife. It is hard to experience intimacy when everyone is stressed out, carrying guilt, living in fear and financial ruin. We are all here with you and for you and your wife. This will truly be your soft place to land. I agree with everyone who has posted, it will not change his addiction to keep him under your roof. He is going to make the decision to be sober (or not) but it doesn't have to ruin the rest of the family. It sounds like you guys have provided the best for him and you can untangle yourselves with LOVE. It doesn't have to be a fight, just a boundry.

    My prayer for you is to learn self-care for you and your wife. You both deserve peace in your home. I would like to suggest a book for you both to read: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Here is the link:

    Prayers and huge to you, your wife and son.

    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  15. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    Thanks so much for you wisdom. We have very few to talk to with this situation. I wish I would have found this soft place years ago. What I have been learning and seeing here is I already knew I cant fix my son's addiction. We have been supportive to help him even thru all he has put my wife and I thru. Our biggest fear is death. If we could only know that was not a option, putting him out is fine. We may keep him a place here until court appearance. After that we will see our options then. I cant talk right now,be back soon. Thank you
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  16. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Welcome, Andy. I ditto all the advice given here. And, in particular this comment bothered me, probably because I can relate. After reading many books, in my sig. Line, following advice of family and friends, and finding rmthus wonderful group of people, I finally realized I have no control on whether my 41 y.o. Difficult Child drinks herself to death. She has surfed couches from one coast to the other, until she ran off every one of her friends and family. Dispite all of us wanting to help her help herself, she didnt. I finally realized I have no control over her choices. If she chose to drink herself to death, it didn't matter what any of us did for her.

    Please find the article on detachment in the imitrus area. It gave me a realistic look at what enabling does.

    Wishing you only the best as you hopefully work through your needs. That's all we have control of.

    In healing
  17. Andy4382

    Andy4382 New Member

    I'm very sorry to hear that. My son has stole numerous things and money from us. He has stole from his aunt that treats he like a son. He has stole from one of his only friends now. He has most likely stole from some more family and friends that doesn't know it or hasn't seen it gone. He admitted to breaking in peoples houses to steal. Its hard for me to take all this in that something can make you do this and not have a conscious. It will take control and not let go. He has pretty much ran off all his friends over the years. You are right, I have realized that I have no control over his choices. We have prayed and waited for him to make the right choice for years. Hopefully his court date will not be postpone come May 14. We all still want to help him in anyway no matter what all he has done to us. If he could only see it from our point of view. I am very sorry to hear about the lose of your daughter. No parent should have to bury their child. Praying for you and loved ones, thanks for you reply.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son used to rob us blind also. He was using pills and not heroin but it doesn't matter.

    He got into our Christmas fund and took our gift money. We continued to not be able to believe it every time he did this! This was not him. This was not how he was raised. How could he betray us so?? He even stole from his two older brothers who lived with us for some time after college. He idolizes them. That could have been a wonderful time for us all to live together one last time. Instead it was a nightmare. They are both married and successful now and we are very proud of them.

    Addiction is a disease. That is another nail in the guilt that we feel when we somewhat have to play hardball and turn our backs on the addict. It's not normal parenting by any stretch of the imagination. But you are not in a normal situation.

    My son no longer uses drugs and is back to himself and would never steal from us. We all went through a lot and HE worked hard to earn our trust back. I had little to do with him from the age of 20-23. He is now with us again, going to college full time and getting good grades, is responsible, is working too. We are in a happy place but I think that is because we said "NO MORE" not in my home. As soon as he is done with his degree he will be on his own. He knows this is temporary and he is only with us because HE is living a life we can be proud of. He is moving forward.

    On the contrary, my good friend's son died from a heroin overdose in her home in July. He was 26. She was not able to mentally deal with his drug use and ignored her reality and let him and his girlfriend live in his bedroom with her for over a year. She knew he was using something with a needle but wasn't sure if it was H. She didn't have the heart to kick him out even though I kept telling her that SHE had to do something. She got mad at me. She thought I didn't understand. She finally did have him leave and he struggled and went from rehab to rehab and to live with his father. He finally was sober for 7 months and was working steady and going to meetings and she let him come back and he was okay for awhile and they truly reconnected and then one night he used and died that night in her home. He had gone to a party and she had begged him not to. He was in a coma for ten days but didn't make it. She now has so much guilt because she still thinks she could have prevented it. She will never be the same.

    My childhood friend lost her nephew to a heroin overdose last year also. I grew up living next door to her and her two sisters. The younger sister's 22 year old son started using drugs in his teens like my son. Long story short she never got tough with him. She would bail him out of jail, provide him with a car and money and basically just let him do what he wanted and live at home even though she didn't like what he was doing or how he was living. This went on for years. She would call me to talk to me about it because she didn't know anyone that had dealt with it. In the end SHE did not have the strength to change which was the only things SHE did have control of. He lost his life in his very own room in his very own home. She found him when she returned home from working the night shift one morning.

    So what I'm saying is, these are two people that I know firsthand who had their son's die in their home. Having your son in your home is a false sense of keeping him safe. Honestly I hope this helps you to see that things aren't always as they seem.

    We all know you are trying so just wanted to tell you a little bit about what I know.

    Hang in there and keep posting and reading.
  19. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I learned here, in this group, after reading everything I could, therapy, etc. That we get confused between help and enabling.

    Help is assisting someone to move forward in their life. Like working and being independent, acting like and taking responsibility like an adult should.

    Enabling is anything we do that keeps our Difficult Child drinking and drugging, money, a place to stay, etc. Etc.

    I am sorry I confused you. My Difficult Child is alive. I quit enabling two years ago when I faced the fact that after thousands upon thousands of dollars of my retirement only kept her gambling, and drinking. Every penny went to her alcoholism. I set firm boundaries with the guidance here. This group offers so much more than what a book and therapist can do. We learn to let go of unwarranted guilt, there is no what if story we haven't all been through, but I sure realize, it's necessary to call each other out when we start down that path.

    My 41 y.o. Difficult Child is pregnant for the first time. She stopped her adderall and xanax and alcohol. This baby is giving her a will to live I did not think she had. Unfortunately the living circumstances are not good. The baby daddy doesnt work either and when she found out she was pregnant, she moved back in with him and his parents. I had my second normal conversation in the last 4 years. I wasnt able to talk on the phone. It was a boundary I had to set for myself. The texts were brutal, but ny sticking to my guns, I found trust. I let go and let God. I dont know what is in His plan, but I trust Him to know. I am so grateful I havent spent the last year (when I found this group), in the dark abyss of things that did not come to be.

    As for all those people wanting to help, been there too. In my case, I found all they wanted to do was tell me what I needed to do. Had I followed their advice, rather than the facts I know about addiction and enabling, my daughter would not be where she is today. Its it the best situation, no, but she is the one who is responsible and I pray she continues to make good choices, because that's the only control I have, letting go, getting put of her way as she finds her sea legs.

    "Keep your eyes wide open in the darkest of times. Only then you can rely on shooting stars."

    Lincoln Hall
  20. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    My heart goes out to you and your wife. We suffer so much at the hands of our adult children and their addictions and poor choices. But what we learn here is that we also have choices. A choice to expose the problem. That's a tough one. For myself, both of my sons have dealt with addictions and currently the older 31 yr. old is making "some" progress but time will tell if he remains consistent in this progress. The younger is almost 27 next month and lives in his car, has been homeless off and on for 3 yrs. Doesn't bath. His vehicle is piled high inside with garbage, blankets etc. He is still "stuck" in his emotional and psychological issues.

    I have come to realize (most days, unless I slip back into stinking thinking") that this may take a very long time for him to find recovery and it also may never happen. He almost seems to have found his "normal" in this way of living.

    What I really was trying to get to before I diverted is that for many years when the whole family was together both of my sons really did nothing to better their situations and my husband and I at the time "hid" their problems. We cleaned up their messes, bailed them out and put a band-aid on everything. We had all records annulled to wipe the slate clean. We felt we were helping them so that there would be no obsticles in their way to lead successful lives. We were like a big "eraser" but the joke was on us. Trying to clean up their problems DOES NOT really make them go away it only prolongs the inevidible.

    I learned in years of Al anon (another secret I held for many years was that my ex-husband of 30 yrs. was a severe alcoholic) that exposing a secret, whether it be alcoholism, drug abuse or some other situation is the beginning of the healing process. It's like taking the big green monster out of the closet. But with that said, it doesn't mean the healing will be an easy or short journey. The important thing is that even if (and this is hard to do) your son doesn't start on the right path for healing, you must begin taking care of yourselves and healing yourselves through self-care.

    You and your wife must be the change in the situation and can only hope and pray that while you are changing that your son will begin changing.

    Keep posting, it helps.