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Substance Abuse
Son is in Jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 723567" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>i want to say a couple of (unpopular, perhaps) things.</p><p></p><p>first. you love your son. i would venture to guess you will love him beyond the grave.</p><p></p><p>second. you and his father have been victimized, badly deceived and betrayed by him.</p><p></p><p>these two incompatible facts create an intolerable tension for you-and would do so for any good parent. this tension has a name-cognitive dissonance. </p><p></p><p>we deal with this, by default--by some sort of distortion. for example, by denying the reality of one or the other of the cognitions. but there are alternatives. one is to consciously embrace both conflicting cognitions. i guess you would call this radical acceptance.</p><p></p><p>you went to the parking lot because:</p><p></p><p>you love him. you fear for him. you long for him. he is your beloved. he will be that forever.</p><p></p><p>you left there because:</p><p></p><p>he is now a de facto criminal. a grown man who to grow into a good man must face the consequences of his acts.</p><p></p><p>when i was about 21 and in an excellent university (i paid for it and supported myself) i went to a counselor or dean and asked for a couple of bad grades to be expunged. he said something i did not then understand but never forgot.</p><p></p><p>he said: i won't. why would you ever want me too? it's your real life.</p><p></p><p>i would try to resist any pressure to make this easier or to disappear for your son.</p><p></p><p>but i hope you open your heart to you. he remains your boy. nothing will ever change that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 723567, member: 18958"] i want to say a couple of (unpopular, perhaps) things. first. you love your son. i would venture to guess you will love him beyond the grave. second. you and his father have been victimized, badly deceived and betrayed by him. these two incompatible facts create an intolerable tension for you-and would do so for any good parent. this tension has a name-cognitive dissonance. we deal with this, by default--by some sort of distortion. for example, by denying the reality of one or the other of the cognitions. but there are alternatives. one is to consciously embrace both conflicting cognitions. i guess you would call this radical acceptance. you went to the parking lot because: you love him. you fear for him. you long for him. he is your beloved. he will be that forever. you left there because: he is now a de facto criminal. a grown man who to grow into a good man must face the consequences of his acts. when i was about 21 and in an excellent university (i paid for it and supported myself) i went to a counselor or dean and asked for a couple of bad grades to be expunged. he said something i did not then understand but never forgot. he said: i won't. why would you ever want me too? it's your real life. i would try to resist any pressure to make this easier or to disappear for your son. but i hope you open your heart to you. he remains your boy. nothing will ever change that. [/QUOTE]
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