Son is living in car

[Rockyroads!]

Greetings! My son in his 30's is living in his car in the Colorado weather. He has a few warrants out for his arrest and missed an important court date. He is working a bit as a temp worker and giving plasma for money when he can. ( how perfectly horrifying!) life is really on hold until he faces his legal problems. He has had serious drug problems and I kicked him out about a year ago for stealing multiple times. His problems started in middle school and just have kept escalating. I help him out occasionally with food gift cards and extensive dental work that I couldn't afford. Some days he hangs out on my black porch during a bad snow storm when I am out of town but I can see him on a home camera. He has not tried to break in, but I wonder If I should call the police.
I care about him deeply and hate to see him suffering, but he has really hurt himself with his stealing.
Life can really be tough. I feel the pain of many others on this site and glad I have somewhere to share my sorrow. People who have not had these problems must think I am just a god awful parent. I was a teacher and sad I can't make a difference in my own child's life. I will keep praying.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello RR and welcome,
So sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found this site.

He has had serious drug problems and I kicked him out about a year ago for stealing multiple times.

There are so many parents who have dealt with this issue, including myself with two adult daughters addicted to meth. We did not realize at the time they were living with us, how bad it was. They denied heavy drug use. The “stealing” goes way beyond material resources. Living with drug addicted, manipulative adult children ruins relationships, destroys our security at home, puts us in constant apprehension for the next dramatic stressful event, and more. Our home should be our sanctuary, not somewhere we are waiting for the rug to be pulled from under us.

His problems started in middle school and just have kept escalating. I help him out occasionally with food gift cards and extensive dental work that I couldn't afford.

I had issues with my two from middle school on as well. Back then I did not think they would be where they are at now. My eldest lives under a bridge, her sister is in jail. I never thought that would make me more at ease, but it does. At least I know where she is, and that she is more likely to get help.

Some days he hangs out on my back porch during a bad snow storm when I am out of town but I can see him on a home camera. He has not tried to break in, but I wonder If I should call the police.

This is a tough one. We are fortunate to be in Hawaii, so weather is rarely an issue, except for rain. Only you know what boundaries you need to set. I don’t want my two around my house while they are using. It is too much to bear. Their drug of choice makes it unsafe.

I care about him deeply and hate to see him suffering, but he has really hurt himself with his stealing.
Life can really be tough.

Life sure can be tough on this road we are on. We all love our wayward adult children, unfortunately as long as they are using drugs, they tend to use us as well. That hurts.

I feel the pain of many others on this site and glad I have somewhere to share my sorrow. People who have not had these problems must think I am just a god awful parent. I was a teacher and sad I can't make a difference in my own child's life. I will keep praying.

I am glad you have found us and are able to share your story. It is a tremendous burden to bear on your own. I have been here from 2015 and have received so much kindness from folks here. Writing helps to relieve the sorrow, it is also a reminder to me to stay the course and focus on what I can control, my own choices and my reaction to my two wayward daughters choices. We are not God awful parents, we have children that we loved as best as we could, but they grew up and made bad choices, that’s on them, not us. What others think is their problem, not ours. I get what you are saying, I used to sit at lunch and coworkers would talk about their kids going off to college, etc. There was no way my stories fit the conversation. However, I have found that most people I know have to some degree been touched by addiction in the family. I understand how you feel, I coached kids in paddling for many years and often felt that I was somewhat compromised by having two kids grow up and make these horrendous choices. You know the old saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” My tree must be on a hill, because those two have rolled far beyond what we tried to teach them.
You wrote that your son has warrants, my daughter has been there done that and had a few stints in jail, then rehab. I have gotten to the point where I hope she is picked up and gets the help she needs. Lord knows my late hubs and I tried for many years to help her, to no avail and to our own detriment. It has been a long hard and rocky road, for sure. I gave my two back to God, it is too much for me to handle. I love them with all my heart, and wish I could make a difference too, but after years of trying, I pray frequently that He can touch their hearts and lead them to their true light and potential.
Much love and hugs to you.
More will come along and respond.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Rockyroads!]

Oh my gosh! Thank you for sharing in such a loving, supportive, deep response! I am seeing double vision through some tears. That took a lot of time! Thank you NL!!!
You have a lot of wisdom, which only comes from experience. I will write more later. Best to you!

 

[lovemysons]

Dear RockyRoads…
I have been overwhelmed with grief this last year after losing my Meth addicted homeless son.
So much so that I haven’t cared rather I lived or died from one day to the next. My son died on Thanksgiving morning 2021 by a vehicle while he was running across the highway. He had Meth in his system.

Yesterday I had a very long emotional discussion with my husband about our son. My husband was a bowling coach for many years and helped our daughter get a full ride bowling scholarship to college.
One of the things he shared with me about his time coaching is that we are only responsible for execution…not the results.
He said it’s the same in life.
We nurture our children. We teach them. We give them numerous opportunities to succeed. We help them every step of the way.
But when it’s time for them to step up on “the lane”, we have done all we can…we executed. The results are not our responsibility.

It is time for our grown children to execute. To practice daily what they want to be good at. These are there choices.

Please don’t be like I have been and think you are responsible for the results, you are not.

Yesterdays talk with my husband was a real eye opener.
I gave 100% to raising my children and making a good home. I thought up until yesterday that I had failed.

We are not responsible for our grown children’s choices, as New Leaf pointed out. We showed up and did our best, gave our all.

That is all God expects.
Execution. The results are not up to us. There is a bigger plan that we can’t see. We just have to focus on what’s in front of us.
You have done this. You did a good job! So did I.

Love and prayers

 

[Rockyroads!]

Dear one, I am so sorry your lost your son. Thank you for sharing your story and wisdom! It helps a great deal. I agree with you. We cannot control the outcome. I am glad there are members here that know what it feels like to have heart break over kids!
Thinking of you lovemysons!

 

[Rockyroads!]

Hello RR and welcome,
So sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found this site.

There are so many parents who have dealt with this issue, including myself with two adult daughters addicted to meth. We did not realize at the time they were living with us, how bad it was. They denied heavy drug use. The “stealing” goes way beyond material resources. Living with drug addicted, manipulative adult children ruins relationships, destroys our security at home, puts us in constant apprehension for the next dramatic stressful event, and more. Our home should be our sanctuary, not somewhere we are waiting for the rug to be pulled from under us.

I had issues with my two from middle school on as well. Back then I did not think they would be where they are at now. My eldest lives under a bridge, her sister is in jail. I never thought that would make me more at ease, but it does. At least I know where she is, and that she is more likely to get help.

This is a tough one. We are fortunate to be in Hawaii, so weather is rarely an issue, except for rain. Only you know what boundaries you need to set. I don’t want my two around my house while they are using. It is too much to bear. Their drug of choice makes it unsafe.

Life sure can be tough on this road we are on. We all love our wayward adult children, unfortunately as long as they are using drugs, they tend to use us as well. That hurts.

I am glad you have found us and are able to share your story. It is a tremendous burden to bear on your own. I have been here from 2015 and have received so much kindness from folks here. Writing helps to relieve the sorrow, it is also a reminder to me to stay the course and focus on what I can control, my own choices and my reaction to my two wayward daughters choices. We are not God awful parents, we have children that we loved as best as we could, but they grew up and made bad choices, that’s on them, not us. What others think is their problem, not ours. I get what you are saying, I used to sit at lunch and coworkers would talk about their kids going off to college, etc. There was no way my stories fit the conversation. However, I have found that most people I know have to some degree been touched by addiction in the family. I understand how you feel, I coached kids in paddling for many years and often felt that I was somewhat compromised by having two kids grow up and make these horrendous choices. You know the old saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” My tree must be on a hill, because those two have rolled far beyond what we tried to teach them.
You wrote that your son has warrants, my daughter has been there done that and had a few stints in jail, then rehab. I have gotten to the point where I hope she is picked up and gets the help she needs. Lord knows my late hubs and I tried for many years to help her, to no avail and to our own detriment. It has been a long hard and rocky road, for sure. I gave my two back to God, it is too much for me to handle. I love them with all my heart, and wish I could make a difference too, but after years of trying, I pray frequently that He can touch their hearts and lead them to their true light and potential.
Much love and hugs to you.
More will come along and respond.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Rockyroads!]

Deaf newleaf. Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story about your daughters. It helps to see others getting through tough times and taking care of themselves! My son has been in jail a few times. I think his drug use with meth and fentanyl have made him a different person. I am at a better place, thanks to this site and folks like you.
. Have a decent day!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Rocky,
Although I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, it does help to know that we are not alone in our struggles, that there are folks who understand how tough it is.

My son has been in jail a few times. I think his drug use with meth and fentanyl have made him a different person.

I do believe that meth is a soul snatcher. I hardly recognize my girls when I see them, physically and psychologically altered by their lifestyles. It is such a waste. I have read about what meth does to a person and have seen it take its toll on too many.

I am at a better place, thanks to this site and folks like you.

Me too, at a better place, but I realize that it takes constant work to train my focus.
Stay well and embrace peace.
New Leaf