Son moved home

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Two days before my husband and I left for our March break vacation, oldest son lands on our doorstep with two cats.... they belonged to his ex roommates ex girlfriend and were ditched along with paying rent ..... so son moved into our home... again.

    It's been rough. He is very depressed and doesn't seem to be awake much in the day.... he goes out at night, which in my gut tells me he is doing drugs again. I have avoided posting because I didn't want to face it....

    He isn't angry like he was last time, more sad and shameful. He often tells me he feels terrible about what has happened. I snooped down stairs and have found some really weird writings... he does poetry but this stuff has alien references in it, and he has mentioned that before. I'm starting to worry about schitzophrenia ... or some kind of psychosis....he says how much he regrets hurting his family but also talks about black outs and aliens in his writings.... it's so weird .

    I'm getting down again, and not sure how I am going to keep this up. He did say he would call local counselling agency. They haven't called back, which makes me wonder....

    Now we are fighting more, withdrawing more...just sad overall.

    We are supposed to go away this weekend to escape it all for a few days and all we are doing is arguing tonight. The smell of weed and kitty litter is making me crazy. I'm feeling like I need to escape my own home.

    I already know what you all will say.... your home, tell him to leave, etc.....

    However, having watched our friends go through their sons suicide, I don't think I can do that. And now I am worrying about a serious mental illness.

    Not sure what I want from these boards... other than to feel not so alone.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are definitely not alone. We all care about you. Instead of worrying about schizophrenia, it is more likely he using drugs that mimic mental illness...maybe meth. If he stops the psychosis will go away.

    Hugs, light and much love.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Colleen. I know how frightened you are. Because it happened to me. And my son was not as high functioning as yours. First let me say my keyboard is broken, I can write just a little. I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel for your son, too. It sounds like he is really over his head.
    There is stuff on the internet about Illuminati. The idea is they come from mating of reptiles and aliens. I know because my son believes this. It horrifies me. There are political connotations, too. When my son was at a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) last year a therapist asked me if I thought my son might be psychotic...I told her I had considered it, but think it Is anxiety, that these quasi delusional ideas bind anxiety.

    I would look on the internet and you will see where he may get it. I think there are other explanations besides psychosis, but that is one possibility of course. The thing is drugs can trigger a drug psychosis, too.

    What is your thinking about insisting he get treatment, for dual diagnosis at a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? My son's psychiatrist helped him find a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that insurance paid for.

    I am so sorry this is happening.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2017
  4. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Im sorry you have to go thru this. Im not gonna type more cause you already know. Hugs
     
  5. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    I'm sorry. I know how hard it is.

    I know exactly the need to escape your own house, etc etc etc.
     
  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Thank you for the words of support and the kindness.... some days I feel so defeated and in worthy myself of kindness.

    I spend my days working with families with difficult issues and if any of them knew how much I feel like I can't help my own child. I love my job, and in the past I have been able to balance he emotional toll it takes. Now I am feeling overwhwealmed and a bit burnt out. Thank god I work with an amazing staff and my Principal is very good to me. I stayed home Wednesday from work and he fully supported me to take a mental health day.

    I am glad my husband and I escaped this weekend ... we had a great day yesterday and made a point of not talking about oldest son. We did talk about our youngest who is doing so so well... we are so proud of him. He did withdraw from computer science but he was accepted into the Forest Ranger/tech school and is over the moon. He has always been an outdoorsy kid, and we are proud he recognized he would be unhappy in an office. He is fully supporting himself, saving his money, and excited to go back to school in fall. He comes and visits us and tells us he loves us, asks for nothing. We know it isn't fair to compare.


    Oldest has so much potential. He is smart, kind, gets along with people..... but he is in a vicious cycle. I think I found the remnants of cocaine in a money box downstairs before we left. I didn't say anything to husband as I know he was already worried and wouldn't leave. I do think we should bring it up to him when we get back. We are home tomorrow am. Son doesn't even know we are out of town. Figured with his hours he won't notice.

    He applied to the craft college here for the one year diploma... it's a basis for their other programs where students specialize. He seems really keen on it. Maybe it is a start??? But with my suspicions about drug use he is no place to do school.

    I feel like it's circle.:..depressed and using ... can't do school....but with nothing to plan for or hope for... stays depressed and using.

    Ugh
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry...support to you.

    I feel like he has to get the depression treated...it's his not yours.

    Light and hope your way...hugs
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Colleen

    Don't check the forums on weekends. Sorry to hear you are feeling down. Was wondering about him being home. I know if he's not sober you can't be happy.

    Having peace in our own home is so critical. How can we cope with the worry and negativity and all of the rest of it and try to work and have a life of our own. My son is not in our home but I am still not at peace. He is in residential now and Friday talked like he understands he has an illness etc. and will go to sober living and then Saturday called and said he'll do program but not staying in Florida for 2 years until he gets his computer degree. I'm now again letting husband deal with him. I get too upset and hopeless. Husband said no to coming back to Illinois for sober living. We don't care if he's homesick. I know he'd try to get back in the house. If he can't stay sober there he sure as hell won't stay sober here. He's trying to take the easy way out as usual.

    I wish I had an answer for you Colleen but I don't even know what the hell we are doing either. I'm so emotionally exhausted from HIM.

    On one hand I think you need to FORCE him to go to treatment but then on the other if he doesn't want it why bother but it's SOMETHING. That is probably how I would think.

    Hugs and know we are here for you. We all feel so alone in this.
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    You know, Colleen, sometimes we are not the right people to help our own children. Sometimes I think we are too close to be of any help. I think that's why you do so well at work. You are the right person to help other people's children. Take pride in that. I think your son will eventually figure it out, but it may take a long time. Sending some extra strength from pollen covered Virginia. ~~~~~~~~~
     
  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I feel like my heart is broken and will never heal. I feel like a shell of a person, and I am losing who I am.

    Son slept until 7 pm, husband got home and went downstairs to talk to him. Last night after he had slept until six pm and then went out, we both felt we wanted to go clean his room up, I know that wasn't necessarily the right thing to do. But we both felt better after. I don't know how he can even think about feeling better in the mess he was living in, and we could smell the cat litter upstairs.

    He thanked us and said that it did help. But tonight, same thing of course. Husband got him to admit he is using cocaine again. All the signs are there. He said it's only been a few times... but that is a few times too many.

    We told him he has to get help, we can't live this.

    The thing about our son is that he is never mean or rude or denies his fault. He has in the past been rude, but never violent and not at all lately. He is very down on himself and said tonight he is sorry he is such a bad person. I told him we have never thought that. He isn't a bad person. He is kind and thoughtful

    He seems so so lost and my heart is literally broken for him.

    He had promised to call tomorrow. He has a number to call.

    I just needed to reach out too....
     
  11. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I hope he calls and gets help. Im glad he isnt abusive towards you two. I hope that doesnt change. My prayers are with you
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter was never mean either. That made it harder to do anything or react. But beware. Dont fool youtself. That sleeping all day isnt normal. He is usong cocaine, maybe otjer stuff. My daughter slept all day, was up all night. She took various types of speed at night and stuff that helped her come down and sleep in the day.

    Never trust a drug user, even a nice one. They dont tell you what they do. Not honestly. My daughter always said she had quit or was just smoking pot, and not that often. Made us feel badly for her but they were lies. She used a lot and all the time. Whatever your son told you is probably times ten. My daughter is the one who said,"Never trust a drug user. They lie." She told me this after she quit.

    Your son maybe needs duo diagnosis or drug rehab. My daughter never did reach out for that...a rare person who quit on her own, in her own time. In her own way. They do it when ready, not before. They do it often while not in rehab. And sonetimes in it. They are so different.

    I am so very sorry for the sadness that you feel. I was sad too. We all are and, yes, it is worse when they still maintain their niceness. But they are as sick as those who use drugs and act out, even though they are not dangerous to us. That is one blessing.

    I wish you the best results during this sad journey. We understand because most have been there. And its not something you ever forget. Not ever.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2017
  13. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Swot,

    I wonder if I will ever be a truely happy person again? I am slowly losing hope my son will ever be ok. He looks like a shadow of the son I used to know. It's honestly heartbreaking.

    Sitting at work unable to make myself get out of my car and go in. Facing a day of troubled kids and parents plus teachers all stressed out and needing my support with difficult students.

    Not sure how I make it through the next two and half months.
     
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Colleen

    It's good that he admitted that he has a problem. That is a start. It's funny but moms know it way before they do.

    I do hope he gets help for himself. I don't understand why someone would NOT want help when it's right there for them. That is so mind boggling to me. Are their minds so sick that they aren't even rational? My son was always the most rational person and now he just isn't.

    We're have a come to Jesus meeting with him and therapist on Monday in person in Florida. I'm so not looking forward to this. I would love to see him and visit with him since I haven't seen him since Christmas but I don't think it's going to be a "visit" but more of a family therapy session. He's 21. Time to grow up and be the son that I raised. I really will not accept anything less at this point. I won't do it. He isn't living with me so it's easier for me to have some detachment which I desperately need to function.

    Hugs and stay strong. You have to ride this thing out. We all do don't we?