Soon to embark on the merry-go-round

[Woriedmom]

My husband is following.my son's records online and we will be getting.a.letter.from the.court any day now. First off.I didn't care for my husband ( my 20 yr.old.s step.father ) telling me this.awful news with a stinking grin on his face...can't he see this is all killing me on the inside? I want my anger aimed at my son but when my husband gets involved I get angry at him instead... and simply because he never had any love for my Son ..Even when my son wasn't using. Anyway letter will state my sons charges...smoking.weed,paraphernalia, dui,resisting arrest AND he.put his hands on the cop which he denies of course but it sort.of.goes.inline with resisting arrest. Oh.dear...I'm praying my son gets his act together. I don't.even know who his friends are that got him into all this. I know,I know....he.got himself into all this.I was reading TKs thread and have to ask...can we not.give.them anything while.they are in jail? I'm just.preparing for the worst here. please forgive all these period marks, I'm typing from my little phone..hubby is downstairs where.the.computer sits he doesn't know anything about this.site and he wouldn't understand that I'm trying hard.to detach myself. It just tore my heart to have to tell my son he can't live here anymore. Oh and before I forget...what is drug court?

 

[Woriedmom]

My husband is following.my son's records online and we will be getting.a.letter.from the.court any day now. First off.I didn't care for my husband ( my 20 yr.old.s step.father ) telling me this.awful news with a stinking grin on his face...can't he see this is all killing me on the inside? I want my anger aimed at my son but when my husband gets involved I get angry at him instead... and simply because he never had any love for my Son ..Even when my son wasn't using. Anyway letter will state my sons charges...smoking.weed,paraphernalia, dui,resisting arrest AND he.put his hands on the cop which he denies of course but it sort.of.goes.inline with resisting arrest. Oh.dear...I'm praying my son gets his act together. I don't.even know who his friends are that got him into all this. I know,I know....he.got himself into all this.I was reading TKs thread and have to ask...can we not.give.them anything while.they are in jail? I'm just.preparing for the worst here. please forgive all these period marks, I'm typing from my little phone..hubby is downstairs where.the.computer sits he doesn't know anything about this.site and he wouldn't understand that I'm trying hard.to detach myself..or I should say rather that I am detaching but I can't.do it.all at once it is a process but at least I'm learning... prayers have helped me tremendously but I need time especially strength it just tore my heart to have to tell my son he can't live here anymore. Oh and before I forget...what is drug court?

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Worriedmom,

I would be surprised if they put your son in jail.... at this age I think most courts try to help them before incarcerating them and although the charges feel bad to you I think as far as the court goes they are still pretty minimal. A DUI is not good but if it is his first one I doubt it would mean jail time. My son ended up in jail because he kept doing stupid petty things, would get caught, go to court be told if he did anything else he could go to jail. They didnt actually put him in jail until his 5th offense. I mean the kid did not get scared from all those trips to court and I think stopped believing they would do anything. To be honest when they finally put him in jail my reaction was it is about time!!!

That was a few years ago and at that point we got him into rehab and so they released him to go to rehab on probation.

So jails may differ from state to state but what most of them have is a canteen system. You can put money on their canteen account and anything they get they buy from canteen. So in my sons case I cant send him anything except a letter. I cant even send him stamps! The only way you can send them books or magazines is through the publisher. So no you cant send them clothes or food or anything. They are given those prison jump suits to wear, so that is what they wear.... I think they can dress in clothes for court.

Drug court is a program through the courts where you basically answer to the court on a regular basis (often weekly) and go to groups for substance use or in some cases, like my sons are put into a residential program. It is the courts way of dealing with people whose crimes are related to their drug use. So far my experience has been positive and I am thankful that drug court is involved. A lot of people in drug court live in the community and attend their groups etc. The thing is drug court does have the judicial system behind them, so if you relapse they can detain you in jail (which is what happened recently to my son). I dont know if drug court is an option for your son but it might be a good option really to get him on track. It takes the onus off you and puts it on the court... he has to answer to the court and if he doesnt get his act together they give him consequences.

I hope you and your husband can get help. He does sound very controlling which would worry me. However I can understand why he would not love your son given that he came into his life after he was a teenager (is that correct I know you said you got married when your son was 17), and he sees what your son puts you through. I know my friends who dont have kids do not really understand why I am still involved, still let all of this get to me. I think they think I should just walk away but I can't.

TL


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[pasajes4]

This might be the best thing that could happen to him. He might actually change. Try to think of it as his wake-up call.
Do not bail him out. Do not put loads of money on his books. Do not feel sorry for him.

 

[Woriedmom]

I will check with my state to see what the laws are regarding bringing anything in for him. I think jail would be torture for my son ...well, the 2 counties he was arrested in isn't the county we live in, basically they are our suburb counties.If he were to get caught for ANYTHING in our county not only would the cops of beaten him worse but they would've made sure he stayed in jail until his hearing came up. The judge would've made his bail too high for us to pay even if we wanted to. My son should actually be counting his blessing for having it not be in his own city....however, I have no idea where he is now or what he is doing. He has a car of his own...owns it flat out, pays his own insurance. But um...how the heck is he affording his insurance? it's like $240. a month and he quit his job.
The company was letting go of their temp workers anyway, I told him he should've stayed until they actually told him they were letting him go but ...my son said it was impossible to work the overnight shift and be homeless. If he is in a shelter, don't they have to be in by a certain time? I doubt he is in a shelter though, if so...why not just tell me?

So...again what is my son doing for money? He isn't getting any from me...last I did was buy him some body-wash and toothpaste but that was it. Maybe I shouldn't of done this? I just don't want him to feel unloved, or that not a soul cares for him. Even his older sister (graduating from college soon ) is getting sick of hearing about him. Well, I do talk to her about him ALL the time...that's probably driving her insane. Who else can I talk to? I have no friends that have this kind of trouble with their kids. All of their kids are in school or active in our church etc.etc. I'm so glad I found this website, If I didn't have my 2 yr.old I would join a support group. I am glad that I can at least be happy for my baby, she makes me laugh&smile in-spite of all my son is putting me through. I know, I know...putting himself through right? I don't mean to sound selfish...it's more like my son never thinks his choices in life affect anybody but himself. So... it's more like he's the selfish one. Right? I love him to pieces and he knows this ...he has to know this.
TL, when my husband and I first met my son was 15 and his own father was arrested when my son was only 8 yrs.old. When my x got out of jail he left the state, neither he or anyone from his side of the family has anything to do with us. So..it's always been just me and my 2 children up until 2009 when I re-married.
My husband now says " Your son saw me as an intruder...messing up his world."
Do they drug test you in drug court?

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Your husband is probably very right about that.

You sound very co-dependent. I think you could really benefit from the family meetings...

My daughter was only 19 and pregnant. She lasted several months in jail and came out a better person for it. This may be the kick in the pants your son needs. Do not make it cushy for him or it will all be for naught. They have to be SO miserable that they want change. That is my experience and my opinion anyway. You have to do what is right for you...

 

[Woriedmom]

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I'm having my local library email me when the books come in, they had to get it from another library. I'm ordering both the book and the Workbook to "co-Dependent no more" by Melody Beattie. I hadn't realized it had a workbook.