Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Jun 25, 2008.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I tried to respond to your PM but it wouldn't post, and I lost it.

    I will try again, tomorrow.

  2. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    ok! wonder what is wrong?
  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Barbara just PM me. My son is going to court on July 8. I just need some moral support to keep from intervening
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Susan, there may be something set incorrectly on your PM list that is keeping Barbara's message from getting through. You might try PM'ing her so that she can reply. Maybe that will help?
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    HECK NO STANDS WON'T GO this helping? ;)
  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes you are helping.......keep it up. Hooray for you!
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Stands, when you get the urge to intervene, remind yourself that that will not help your son. It may get him a temporary reprieve of some sort but that isn't what he needs. He needs to see the consequences of his actions, the dangers he is facing, the risks he is taking to get and use drugs. He can't do that if you help him out. It is time for him to start standing on his own feet and making his own decisions. He is a man. It is time for him to act like him.

    Just keep telling yourself that any actions you take on his behalf will not be helping him. They will be enabling.
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Is talking to the Judge or writing him a letter saying he cant come home enabling him? Someone advised me to do that - to let everyone know that home wasnt an option.
  9. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm not trying to be rude, but WHY do you feel the need to even write a letter? Isn't your son 24 yrs. old? This reasoning is very confusing. Your son does not need a letter written for him like an elementary school age little boy. The judge will not just send him to your house if you have not written to him or if you are not in that court room! They just don't do that.

    My adult age difficult child has been before a judge a couple of times. I did not go with her, nor did I write to the judge, because I had no part in any of it and did NOT want to be a part of it. I did not teach my difficult child to break the law and I certainly was not going to be a part of her support system while she faced her consequences.

    Susan, is it your family custom to stay involved in every aspect of your childrens life? I guess this is the only reason I could see motivating you to do this. It is unhealthy.

    One thing I remember my father telling us as children that I remember to this day and have used on my children is "I'll support you and back you 100% if you are in the right." If you choose to break the law, you can face the consequences alone." As a minor, we would not have been left to walk alone, but as adults............ alone as alone could get.

    Susan, your son has a long walk ahead of him. One he needs to take alone. One only he can only accomplish alone. He has to learn that his drug addicted ways are unhealthy for him and aothers and are illegal. Let him learn that. Alone.

    Hugs for your mothers heart.
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi Stands -
    Sometimes the absolute hardest thing we do is - absolutely NOTHING.

    Doing NOTHING can make us feel powerless, inept, out of control.

    My sense is that doing something (even if it is not beneficial to you, or to your son) feels better than doing NOTHING.

    You must consider why you feel so driven to constantly be doing something for your son - instead of backing off and doing nothing. I'll bet (voice of experience here) - it is because it makes YOU feel better.

    Food for your thought.
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Stands, you've already written a letter to his former PD -- that should be in his file. There really isn't anything further you need to do. Notice that he cannot come to your home has been given. That should be the end of it.

    If you were a different type of parent, I would suggest going to court just in case the court throws that option out. However, I think if you were there you would beg the court to let him come home -- something that would be detrimental to everyone. So, find something to do on the court date -- go shopping with your daughter, take a day trip with your husband. Leave your cell phone home at home. Just do something so you're not available.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I don't recall anyone advising you to do that.

    First and foremost, a judge can not. let me reiterate A JUDGE CAN NOT, BY LAW read a letter from any private party in a case where attorneys represent the parties involved. If you already wrote to the PD, you have in effect written to the judge. If you write to the judge, his assistant will tell the judge you tried to butt in ex-parte (illegal) and he will rip you a new one and/or find you in contempt of court. But, he will not read the letter. Judges don't like people to make it look like they have been taking one sided information from a party without lawyers knowing exactly what's going on. They could lose their robes for that.

    In any case, it would not be the right thing to do. It would show your son that he still has his hooks in you and that you can't let him live his own life and suffer his own consequences. Not showing up is letting everyone know that he can't come home. Judges don't parole someone to a place that they don't know for certain that they are welcome.

    Just leave it alone. Try it just this once and see what happens. Have you seen your therapist yet? Are you going to Al-Anon daily, and presenting your very real problems with letting go to them? You need Al-Anon each and every time you wonder whether you should write a letter, bail him out, pay for intervention, get him into a halfway house, ask where he is going to live, wonder if he can still get the xanax that you and you alone think he needs, wonder if he will live at your house, wonder if he is going to change, wonder how you are going to make him change, wonder what it is that you did wrong, wonder what it is you should have done differently, etc. If you are not going to a meeting or contacting your sponsor each and every time you have these thoughts, you are not working the program.

    by the way, only presenting 'nice' ideas at an Al-Anon meetings because new people are going to be there just doesn't fly. It's an excuse for not participating in therapy. Period.
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks Witz - thanks for taking the time to let me know what I am doing. I appreciate it.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stands...try replacing that need to do something for your son by doing something for someone else. You like to write cards and letters? Write them to the soldiers overseas. Pack care packages and send them. You can find names and addresses online of organizations that will accept this help.

    Or write to the elderly in nursing homes.

    The reason I mentioned the soldiers was that several years ago Scent of Cedar put up a picture of soldiers fighting in the war to remind her of what her son could be doing instead of doing drugs.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That a good idea. That puts everything in a different perspective!
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Work the program. I'll pray for you.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks (smile)