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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653845" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Understanding and believing this is key to my growing ability to detach.</p><p></p><p>I can love them and do nothing. I can love them and believe they are strong enough and bright enough. Believing in them to handle things themselves does not mean I don't love them.</p><p></p><p>It means I trust them to do the right thing as they see it.</p><p></p><p>These are the things I tell myself when guilt or shame at turning away from someone in trouble hits me hardest.</p><p></p><p> This is a very important concept for parents raising difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>I love that you said it so simply.</p><p></p><p>My involvement is not make or break.</p><p></p><p>On the fridge it goes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is the hard part. Determining what is our best response for the sake of the child. </p><p></p><p>And you are right. It is much harder to do nothing. And it kills, to say no when they are in crisis.</p><p></p><p>Everything about this changes who we thought we were.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know. And we have to keep that like a little secret in our hearts, where it can make us strong.</p><p></p><p>I suppose learning how to do this has much to do with learning how to be strong enough to survive what is happening. It's like following a mostly hidden trail, to learn the way to see what is happening for what it is, and to keep our hearts open and our lovingness alive. We are so vulnerable when we are open to what is happening, and we tell ourselves the truth about it, and about how that all feels.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>It's Mission: Impossible to do that, but it does seem like the best way to come through this intact.</p><p></p><p>And the kids do pick themselves up somehow without us to fall back on.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to do.</p><p></p><p>Good job.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>Proud of you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>For me, that song was Sweet Child of Mine by that stupid Guns and Roses.</p><p></p><p>Every Rose Has It's Thorns (also by that band I hate by proxy, because their music is so intimately part of those terrible times) describes the looking back on it ~ the love and the pain and the beauty.</p><p></p><p>Geez, I hate that band.</p><p></p><p>And love their music.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Beautifully written. Just beautiful, and true.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ouch, Tanya.</p><p></p><p>It is always a strange surprise to discover which, of all the broken dream moments, still retain the power to break our hearts.</p><p></p><p>Christmas doesn't do it, for me. For me, it is anything to do with Rottweilers. Our son had two Rotties that he loved and sacrificed for and took excellent care of through everything he went through. The dogs have both died by now, and he saw them through that, too.</p><p></p><p>So for me, it is Rottweilers that freshen that old pain enough to break me.</p><p></p><p>I don't know yet what that thing will be for these past few years with difficult child daughter and everything that happened, there.</p><p></p><p>But I do know that now that I understand this piece of my grieving or healing self, I will bless myself for having come through it loving my son and myself, and for having been able to do that, each time I feel that pain that Rottweilers bring.</p><p></p><p>It's like it squeezes my heart, to think of them.</p><p></p><p>Rottweilers.</p><p></p><p>There are so many places for us to actively, consciously, heal.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653845, member: 17461"] Understanding and believing this is key to my growing ability to detach. I can love them and do nothing. I can love them and believe they are strong enough and bright enough. Believing in them to handle things themselves does not mean I don't love them. It means I trust them to do the right thing as they see it. These are the things I tell myself when guilt or shame at turning away from someone in trouble hits me hardest. This is a very important concept for parents raising difficult child kids. I love that you said it so simply. My involvement is not make or break. On the fridge it goes. That is the hard part. Determining what is our best response for the sake of the child. And you are right. It is much harder to do nothing. And it kills, to say no when they are in crisis. Everything about this changes who we thought we were. I know. And we have to keep that like a little secret in our hearts, where it can make us strong. I suppose learning how to do this has much to do with learning how to be strong enough to survive what is happening. It's like following a mostly hidden trail, to learn the way to see what is happening for what it is, and to keep our hearts open and our lovingness alive. We are so vulnerable when we are open to what is happening, and we tell ourselves the truth about it, and about how that all feels. Ouch. Yes. It's Mission: Impossible to do that, but it does seem like the best way to come through this intact. And the kids do pick themselves up somehow without us to fall back on. It's hard to do. Good job. Ouch. Proud of you. For me, that song was Sweet Child of Mine by that stupid Guns and Roses. Every Rose Has It's Thorns (also by that band I hate by proxy, because their music is so intimately part of those terrible times) describes the looking back on it ~ the love and the pain and the beauty. Geez, I hate that band. And love their music. Beautifully written. Just beautiful, and true. Ouch, Tanya. It is always a strange surprise to discover which, of all the broken dream moments, still retain the power to break our hearts. Christmas doesn't do it, for me. For me, it is anything to do with Rottweilers. Our son had two Rotties that he loved and sacrificed for and took excellent care of through everything he went through. The dogs have both died by now, and he saw them through that, too. So for me, it is Rottweilers that freshen that old pain enough to break me. I don't know yet what that thing will be for these past few years with difficult child daughter and everything that happened, there. But I do know that now that I understand this piece of my grieving or healing self, I will bless myself for having come through it loving my son and myself, and for having been able to do that, each time I feel that pain that Rottweilers bring. It's like it squeezes my heart, to think of them. Rottweilers. There are so many places for us to actively, consciously, heal. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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