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Stealing/lying daughter and wonderful granson
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 579390" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Crying. I am so sorry you are in the predicament you're in with your daughter. It's a terrible place to be. If you read some of our posts, you will see that you are not alone and where you find yourself is where many of us have been. There are no easy answers to where you are, however, the difficult and likely necessary answer for you is to set clear boundaries with your daughter and stop enabling her. You and your husband must get clear on what you are willing to do and what you are not, with everything but especially about the stealing and about your grandson. The hard line and often the only option left to us, is to first stop the incredible negative behavior which is making you crazy and sick. The first thought that comes to mind is to call the police and have your daughter arrested for stealing from you. This is no way to live for you and she gets off every time with no consequences.</p><p></p><p>For you to have to sleep on your purse, lock all your valuables up and live the way you do is not only just horrible, it is so remarkably unfair to you and your husband and your daughter is holding you and your husband as hostages in your own home. She is a thief. I can understand completely why you feel the way you feel, unfortunately, you have helped to create the situation because you have allowed it. You are enabling her. She is taking advantage of you in every single way possible. </p><p></p><p>You need help. If I were in your shoes, and I have been very close to it, I would get myself into therapy immediately. I would find a support group. Your daughter is likely taking drugs or using something and you may get support in a 12 step group like Codependents anonymous, alanon, or any parent group they offer. You may want to decide if you are willing to raise your grandson or what the boundaries are around that for you and husband and once you are clear, look into options. If you want to raise him, then get the information necessary to find out how to go about that. Your daughter may or may not ever change her behavior, so figure out where your boundaries are.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, none of the choices you're faced with are going to be easy on you. You will worry. But you are the only one who is going to change this situation because your daughter has a great life, you take care of everything and even allow her to steal from you and you do nothing to change that, so she is not going to change it. I think you first need to acknowledge the absurdity of how you are living. Then you need to figure out what your boundaries are, do you want her to continue living with you or do you want her to move and if she stays, what are your boundaries? But, absolutely, the first thing you need to do is report her to the police and charge her with theft. Of course that is hard, but you are clearly allowing her to steal from you and there are no consequences. Once she is arrested, do not bail her out or in any way save her, that is her natural consequence, that is life, we all have to live with boundaries, particularly legal ones. </p><p></p><p>If she understands you will not tolerate stealing, she will stop stealing from you. You are the orchestrator of that fate, not her, she is not getting it, so you have to step in and make the rules, it's your house. From there on, the next steps will follow, exactly how you can unravel this for yourself, what YOU and your husband want to do. It is all up to you but you have to take your power in this situation back and make some hard choices. You can't save her, you may not be able to change her, all you can do is respond differently, make different choices that do not rescue her, which take care of you. You may want to read the article on detachment which is at the bottom of my post. Please keep posting, you will get a lot of support and insight from other parents here. Read through some of our posts to see that you are not alone, we know this heartache you are feeling, we understand how you can not like your own children, we get how angry and resentful you can feel, the worry, the despair, the fear, all of it. There are ways out of where you are, and they are very difficult, but the alternative is continuing to live the way you are, and I think you are at the end of that. So, stop it. Stop allowing your daughter to run your life, she has taken your freedom, your joy, your comfort, your peace of mind, take it back. Call the authorities. Start the ball rolling to get your life back, you deserve that. And she deserves consequences. Don't you pay the price for her, let her do it. I'm sorry, I know how difficult this is, but I believe you are at a very important crossroad here, look at your choices and take your life back. Many gentle hugs to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 579390, member: 13542"] Welcome Crying. I am so sorry you are in the predicament you're in with your daughter. It's a terrible place to be. If you read some of our posts, you will see that you are not alone and where you find yourself is where many of us have been. There are no easy answers to where you are, however, the difficult and likely necessary answer for you is to set clear boundaries with your daughter and stop enabling her. You and your husband must get clear on what you are willing to do and what you are not, with everything but especially about the stealing and about your grandson. The hard line and often the only option left to us, is to first stop the incredible negative behavior which is making you crazy and sick. The first thought that comes to mind is to call the police and have your daughter arrested for stealing from you. This is no way to live for you and she gets off every time with no consequences. For you to have to sleep on your purse, lock all your valuables up and live the way you do is not only just horrible, it is so remarkably unfair to you and your husband and your daughter is holding you and your husband as hostages in your own home. She is a thief. I can understand completely why you feel the way you feel, unfortunately, you have helped to create the situation because you have allowed it. You are enabling her. She is taking advantage of you in every single way possible. You need help. If I were in your shoes, and I have been very close to it, I would get myself into therapy immediately. I would find a support group. Your daughter is likely taking drugs or using something and you may get support in a 12 step group like Codependents anonymous, alanon, or any parent group they offer. You may want to decide if you are willing to raise your grandson or what the boundaries are around that for you and husband and once you are clear, look into options. If you want to raise him, then get the information necessary to find out how to go about that. Your daughter may or may not ever change her behavior, so figure out where your boundaries are. Unfortunately, none of the choices you're faced with are going to be easy on you. You will worry. But you are the only one who is going to change this situation because your daughter has a great life, you take care of everything and even allow her to steal from you and you do nothing to change that, so she is not going to change it. I think you first need to acknowledge the absurdity of how you are living. Then you need to figure out what your boundaries are, do you want her to continue living with you or do you want her to move and if she stays, what are your boundaries? But, absolutely, the first thing you need to do is report her to the police and charge her with theft. Of course that is hard, but you are clearly allowing her to steal from you and there are no consequences. Once she is arrested, do not bail her out or in any way save her, that is her natural consequence, that is life, we all have to live with boundaries, particularly legal ones. If she understands you will not tolerate stealing, she will stop stealing from you. You are the orchestrator of that fate, not her, she is not getting it, so you have to step in and make the rules, it's your house. From there on, the next steps will follow, exactly how you can unravel this for yourself, what YOU and your husband want to do. It is all up to you but you have to take your power in this situation back and make some hard choices. You can't save her, you may not be able to change her, all you can do is respond differently, make different choices that do not rescue her, which take care of you. You may want to read the article on detachment which is at the bottom of my post. Please keep posting, you will get a lot of support and insight from other parents here. Read through some of our posts to see that you are not alone, we know this heartache you are feeling, we understand how you can not like your own children, we get how angry and resentful you can feel, the worry, the despair, the fear, all of it. There are ways out of where you are, and they are very difficult, but the alternative is continuing to live the way you are, and I think you are at the end of that. So, stop it. Stop allowing your daughter to run your life, she has taken your freedom, your joy, your comfort, your peace of mind, take it back. Call the authorities. Start the ball rolling to get your life back, you deserve that. And she deserves consequences. Don't you pay the price for her, let her do it. I'm sorry, I know how difficult this is, but I believe you are at a very important crossroad here, look at your choices and take your life back. Many gentle hugs to you. [/QUOTE]
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