stealing/lying/drugs ugh!!!!!!

[insanemomoffour]

I haven't been here for a long time(at least a year). But I am just frustrated as can be. I have a 17yo son who is a compulsive liar. He always "finds" things, that just seem to belong to my husband(his father) or myself. For example, last night we celebrated Thanksgiving due to schedule issues. At the dinner table everyone stated what they were thankful for and it brought me to tears what he said. He said he was thankful for his family and parents especially. If it weren't for them he would probally be in the streets on drugs or in gangs. We then had game night after that I noticed him playing with a gold chain. I said it looked just like mine that my husband gave me a few years ago with a charm on it. He said he found it in him music class at school. That I could even ask his teacher. I went Occupational Therapist (OT) my bathroom and checked to see that mine was missing. I confronted him and just said I wanted my necklace back. He said the one in his pocket was not mine but mine was in his room. He didn't know how it got there (yeah right) but threw it in my room. I asked for the charm but he doesn't know where that is. Again I asked him today about the charm and he said "I told you that I didn't know where it was, I found the chain in the bathroom down the hall". My theory, he gave the charm to his girlfriend, who I don't like nor think is a good influence. I believe that he is getting high or faking the role around her and I have found a bag with seeds in it recently. Maybe he sold the charm or traded it for the weed. Who knows! Last week he wanted to go to a birthday party of a friends house and his girlfriend was there as well. When I picked him up he reaked of marijuana smells. I told him that he would not be going back there again. He of course said, "until I'm 18". Then Friday he asked if he could go over there and there were a few words about, but then left it alone. This leads me to believe that he wanted me to say no. He doesn't "hang up" much. Prefers to be home with family but he has the personality that he wants to be loved by a girl. I know she is sexually active and believe it or not, he isn't yet. I found a letter where she was pressuring him about it and that she thinks it is neat that he is a virgin, but she will wait until he is ready. How do you handle all of this?

 

[BusynMember]

Ok...I'm not getting a strong feel for your son. Is he just a compulsive liar or does he steal often? Was this the first time? Are you sure he is only smoking pot? I learned the hard way that our kids often let us know about pot (they figure it's not that bad) but leave off that they are doing other, far more dangerous, drugs too. And many times, we want to believe it's just pot, so we don't really question. Is he doing well in school? Have a plan for when he graduates? If he won't listen to your rules when he is 18, do you still plan on allowing him to live at home? Does he have a job? Do you give him money, pay his car insurance, lend him your car, etc? I sure wouldn't. I'd make him work for everything he had, and he'd be too busy to visit Little Miss Girlfriend that often, especially if he had to ride his bike to her house after riding his bike to work. And under no conditions would I drive him to any parties in case he has no license and depends on YOU to get around. No, siree. Wouldn't happen. He could whine all night and it would never happen.
Making my ex-drug addict daughter pay for everything herself by working at 16 didn't keep her out of trouble, but it certainly made it harder for her to get into more trouble and, now that she's clean, she has the BEST work ethic...welcome back

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Insanemomo, nice to meet you.

I am so sorry about your charm. I wish I could buy you a new one.

I am also sorry about your son. How long has he had these issues? Have you gone to therapy or are you still in it?

Sheesh, that girlfriend sounds like a winner. (Not!) I hate to see him used like that. Sigh.
Is he allowed to drive your car? If so, taking it away is a good incentive for him not to smoke pot. Just an idea.

 

[Ropefree]

Have you called her parents yet? It worked for me. I called and complained in a nice way about the situation. That I wanted my son home by curfew, know where he was, and to have him in supervised homes only after dark.
I insist that he is sleeping here at home. He calls and acounts for his whereabouts.
WE can not threaten our children, but we can have the police exsplain things about what the deal really is: that they are living in OUR home underOUR rules and then when they acquire the skill and have the income to live independantly that they will still benifit from a parent who has been around and can be a life long sourse of advise.
I often talk about the benefit of a job. The education piece is important as the primary focus and the fact is balancing school and a job and other activities is the juggle of the teen to mid twenties. So practise makes perfict.
Know who his freinds are.
And lock up your valuables. Just do it. No credit cards handy, know access to cash, when the driving thing is involved get a gps and just pull the priveldge when the first rule is broken, nicked, tarnished.
SEt boundaries. And do not get caught up in the rolling eyeballs and huffypuffy indignation...following the rules of others is the path to responcibility and independance. It aplys in your home, others have their own, it is so in rental contracts, in dorms, with roommates,in relations with employers,and definately in jail where people who posess the golden trinkets that belong to other people learn to make their bed and follow orders as given and scrub toilets, and wash floors and work without pay IF THEY ARE WELL BEHAVED>
If you think the girlfreind recieved the locket ask her parents if she has it. If you want to be diplomatic you might offer your son "misunderstood" that was not something he could give to another person.
Just do not let him think that he can do as will because if you let him who are you anticipating he will gain the life skill from instead?
And make a point of getting the time you deal with him separated from his younger brothers. He is being a terrible example for the younger children.
I think alot of our teens ought to be taking the jobs on farms in the summertime and learning how to be directed by the work ethic. A summer shoveling out barns and feeding animals and doing work all day that works up a sweat is what our youth need.

 

[insanemomoffour]

actually, he is doing pretty well in school. No attendance problems. He doesn't have a driving license yet. His grades were not to the level that they were suppose to be(he had a "D" on report card). That was a while ago and he has not requested us to do it again until after the winter which is great because he turns 18 in March. woo hoo!!! No, I already have thought about the conversation and contract that I am going to present to him in January about what life will be like once he turns 18 and wishes to stay home. He plans on going to a local community college to bring up his GPA and then transfer to another after the 2nd semester.

Thanks for giving me feedback. I am sure everyone on this site knows what it feels like. I feel like I am in a dodge ball game and I am out of balls to throw back.