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Step dad at my wits end.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 387549" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>What is the custody arrangement? What do you think would happen if she lived with her father? I don't have any experience with stepfamilies other than seeing my bro marry a woman with 2 teenage sons. My bro made every mistake in the book over and over.</p><p> </p><p>YOU, stepdad, can NOT be involved in discipline of your stepdau. Take a few GIANT steps back from that and let her mom and dad work that stuff out. You can support her mother, but you can NOT discipline the girl in ANY way. It is HARD to do. The more you push her to behave a certain way, the more she will not do it. REfer to your wife when things happen. Practice holding your tongue, smiling and nodding. Around here we call it "the bobblehead act" and many of us do it iwth adult children, because we have no business parenting them regardless of how they mess up. If you have a problem with something stepdau does, talk to your wife about it IN PRIVATE and then let your wife handle the consequences. </p><p> </p><p>Of course if she is rude and nasty to you and then wants you to do something for her, you are free to say you just don't feel like it. THAT is just how people who are rude and nasty are often treated. But mostly YOU have to be the adult and just let stuff go. </p><p> </p><p>Don't set a situation up so that your wife must choose between her daughter and you or the new baby. It will just tear your wife apart. It will also tear the kids apart. My bro pushed this issue and his now-ex chose him far more than she stood up for her sons. Now she has 2 adult sons who don't even call her on holidays. They will call their 7yo little sister, and then when it is their mom's turn to talk they get off the phone. That is IF they call. And who could blame them? She married an abusive man who would yell and scream at the boys for hours at a time, and who never let ANYTHING slide and never gave them a fraction of an ounce of praise. Heck, he is my brother and I don't talk to him. You MUST avoid disciplining the girl.</p><p> </p><p>Find a family counselor. You and your wife will need this to survive, and it may help your stepdau also. IF your wife and her ex can work together it will be the best thing for the girl, but if not you still cannot step into the father role in any way. You have to carve out your own niche in the girl's life, even if it is just as a "housemate".</p><p> </p><p>Others will have more ideas.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 387549, member: 1233"] What is the custody arrangement? What do you think would happen if she lived with her father? I don't have any experience with stepfamilies other than seeing my bro marry a woman with 2 teenage sons. My bro made every mistake in the book over and over. YOU, stepdad, can NOT be involved in discipline of your stepdau. Take a few GIANT steps back from that and let her mom and dad work that stuff out. You can support her mother, but you can NOT discipline the girl in ANY way. It is HARD to do. The more you push her to behave a certain way, the more she will not do it. REfer to your wife when things happen. Practice holding your tongue, smiling and nodding. Around here we call it "the bobblehead act" and many of us do it iwth adult children, because we have no business parenting them regardless of how they mess up. If you have a problem with something stepdau does, talk to your wife about it IN PRIVATE and then let your wife handle the consequences. Of course if she is rude and nasty to you and then wants you to do something for her, you are free to say you just don't feel like it. THAT is just how people who are rude and nasty are often treated. But mostly YOU have to be the adult and just let stuff go. Don't set a situation up so that your wife must choose between her daughter and you or the new baby. It will just tear your wife apart. It will also tear the kids apart. My bro pushed this issue and his now-ex chose him far more than she stood up for her sons. Now she has 2 adult sons who don't even call her on holidays. They will call their 7yo little sister, and then when it is their mom's turn to talk they get off the phone. That is IF they call. And who could blame them? She married an abusive man who would yell and scream at the boys for hours at a time, and who never let ANYTHING slide and never gave them a fraction of an ounce of praise. Heck, he is my brother and I don't talk to him. You MUST avoid disciplining the girl. Find a family counselor. You and your wife will need this to survive, and it may help your stepdau also. IF your wife and her ex can work together it will be the best thing for the girl, but if not you still cannot step into the father role in any way. You have to carve out your own niche in the girl's life, even if it is just as a "housemate". Others will have more ideas. [/QUOTE]
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