I was involved with a borderline group for a long time, now I must try here. My daughter, 42, is ruining my health and my life. In a way that's sounds silly to me, as if the answer would be - Yeah, so? The extreme abuse I am subjected to often makes me feel like an ant, upon whom it is of course, no big deal to step.
My d and her 2 teenage sons have been living with me in my small apartment since last June. They had been gone a year after living here for years before that. I had begun to restore my home during that year, as it was a wreck. Broken doors, broken window panes, wrecked furniture, damaged iron, toaster, phone, etc. It is not the boys, it is her.
She is very uppity and makes it a point to try to lord over and belittle me. When I respond, don't accept her abuse, she ups her game and says such hideous things that I don't think I could even repeat many of them to anyone, even a therapist. She is not upset when she does this. She is haughty and cool.
She occasionally seems sane, but if I engage with her as if she were, she says something crazy, such as accusing me of something I didn't do, wouldn't in a million years think of doing. Problem is I nearly always get pulled in. I can feel myself cheering up if she comes to me sounding sane. The thought instantly pops up in my mind - Maybe she's going to be okay now! How nice!
She lies constantly, in many ways, and I see it is because she lives in some state of her own created reality. It's as if she has no respect or use for actual reality - or is deathly afraid of it.
She has created an entire sick and false past in which I was a horrible mother, only fighting with her, shaming her, etc. Again, it is hard to me to stick up for myself but the truth is she was treated very well. I was conscientious, loving, caring, and looked out for her well being every minute. I believe I spoiled her a bit, but the real damage came from somewhere else. I had cancer when she was seven and my own mother and a male 'friend,' two very unwell people, lured her into their camp with toys, clothes and money. I was too stupid to see what was happening. When I had a recurrence 7 years later, one of them doubled down and basically that was the end for this mother and daughter relationship. I have been trying to fix it since then, more than 25 years.
I would say that before these things happened she was a fine girl, moral, decent, thoughtful. She was taught to be selfish, vain and entitled and has stayed with those qualities.
I used to be remarkably healthy (except for the cancer). Now I have an irregular heartbeat and bad joint pain. To say she couldn't care less is an understatement.
My grandsons are for the most part lovely boys. I see them suffering with the weirdness and lack of logic and sense that pervades her thinking. Also she gets ugly crazy angry several times a day. I can't throw them out because they are suffering so much already. I have given them my drawing table and the living room. I sit on my bed which makes my back worse.
I cannot strike the right note in my interactions with her. I am very nice, then I get mad at her abuse and say what to me is the truth that needs to be said, even though I see that it makes no difference to her. She is lodged in the world she has created for herself in which she is a brilliant saint and I am a low thing.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and for any replies.
'
My d and her 2 teenage sons have been living with me in my small apartment since last June. They had been gone a year after living here for years before that. I had begun to restore my home during that year, as it was a wreck. Broken doors, broken window panes, wrecked furniture, damaged iron, toaster, phone, etc. It is not the boys, it is her.
She is very uppity and makes it a point to try to lord over and belittle me. When I respond, don't accept her abuse, she ups her game and says such hideous things that I don't think I could even repeat many of them to anyone, even a therapist. She is not upset when she does this. She is haughty and cool.
She occasionally seems sane, but if I engage with her as if she were, she says something crazy, such as accusing me of something I didn't do, wouldn't in a million years think of doing. Problem is I nearly always get pulled in. I can feel myself cheering up if she comes to me sounding sane. The thought instantly pops up in my mind - Maybe she's going to be okay now! How nice!
She lies constantly, in many ways, and I see it is because she lives in some state of her own created reality. It's as if she has no respect or use for actual reality - or is deathly afraid of it.
She has created an entire sick and false past in which I was a horrible mother, only fighting with her, shaming her, etc. Again, it is hard to me to stick up for myself but the truth is she was treated very well. I was conscientious, loving, caring, and looked out for her well being every minute. I believe I spoiled her a bit, but the real damage came from somewhere else. I had cancer when she was seven and my own mother and a male 'friend,' two very unwell people, lured her into their camp with toys, clothes and money. I was too stupid to see what was happening. When I had a recurrence 7 years later, one of them doubled down and basically that was the end for this mother and daughter relationship. I have been trying to fix it since then, more than 25 years.
I would say that before these things happened she was a fine girl, moral, decent, thoughtful. She was taught to be selfish, vain and entitled and has stayed with those qualities.
I used to be remarkably healthy (except for the cancer). Now I have an irregular heartbeat and bad joint pain. To say she couldn't care less is an understatement.
My grandsons are for the most part lovely boys. I see them suffering with the weirdness and lack of logic and sense that pervades her thinking. Also she gets ugly crazy angry several times a day. I can't throw them out because they are suffering so much already. I have given them my drawing table and the living room. I sit on my bed which makes my back worse.
I cannot strike the right note in my interactions with her. I am very nice, then I get mad at her abuse and say what to me is the truth that needs to be said, even though I see that it makes no difference to her. She is lodged in the world she has created for herself in which she is a brilliant saint and I am a low thing.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and for any replies.
'
