Still can't get the right way to deal with this.

Glenna

New Member
I was involved with a borderline group for a long time, now I must try here. My daughter, 42, is ruining my health and my life. In a way that's sounds silly to me, as if the answer would be - Yeah, so? The extreme abuse I am subjected to often makes me feel like an ant, upon whom it is of course, no big deal to step.
My d and her 2 teenage sons have been living with me in my small apartment since last June. They had been gone a year after living here for years before that. I had begun to restore my home during that year, as it was a wreck. Broken doors, broken window panes, wrecked furniture, damaged iron, toaster, phone, etc. It is not the boys, it is her.
She is very uppity and makes it a point to try to lord over and belittle me. When I respond, don't accept her abuse, she ups her game and says such hideous things that I don't think I could even repeat many of them to anyone, even a therapist. She is not upset when she does this. She is haughty and cool.
She occasionally seems sane, but if I engage with her as if she were, she says something crazy, such as accusing me of something I didn't do, wouldn't in a million years think of doing. Problem is I nearly always get pulled in. I can feel myself cheering up if she comes to me sounding sane. The thought instantly pops up in my mind - Maybe she's going to be okay now! How nice!
She lies constantly, in many ways, and I see it is because she lives in some state of her own created reality. It's as if she has no respect or use for actual reality - or is deathly afraid of it.
She has created an entire sick and false past in which I was a horrible mother, only fighting with her, shaming her, etc. Again, it is hard to me to stick up for myself but the truth is she was treated very well. I was conscientious, loving, caring, and looked out for her well being every minute. I believe I spoiled her a bit, but the real damage came from somewhere else. I had cancer when she was seven and my own mother and a male 'friend,' two very unwell people, lured her into their camp with toys, clothes and money. I was too stupid to see what was happening. When I had a recurrence 7 years later, one of them doubled down and basically that was the end for this mother and daughter relationship. I have been trying to fix it since then, more than 25 years.
I would say that before these things happened she was a fine girl, moral, decent, thoughtful. She was taught to be selfish, vain and entitled and has stayed with those qualities.
I used to be remarkably healthy (except for the cancer). Now I have an irregular heartbeat and bad joint pain. To say she couldn't care less is an understatement.
My grandsons are for the most part lovely boys. I see them suffering with the weirdness and lack of logic and sense that pervades her thinking. Also she gets ugly crazy angry several times a day. I can't throw them out because they are suffering so much already. I have given them my drawing table and the living room. I sit on my bed which makes my back worse.
I cannot strike the right note in my interactions with her. I am very nice, then I get mad at her abuse and say what to me is the truth that needs to be said, even though I see that it makes no difference to her. She is lodged in the world she has created for herself in which she is a brilliant saint and I am a low thing.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and for any replies.

'
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Glenna

Hello and welcome. There are two different issues here as I see it. One is her conduct and treatment towards you:
She is very uppity and makes it a point to try to lord over and belittle me.

says such hideous things t
plus the broken stuff of yours--her destruction of your property. There has to be a bottom line, where we matter, and the only ones who will draw the line, are us. And below is the second issue. It seems you have been trying to rectify what you believe was a wrong done to your daughter, by your mother and another person, while you were ill:
I have been trying to fix it since then, more than 25 years
And it has not worked. For some reason it seems you hold yourself responsible, even though you were ill, but of course, I don't know the circumstances. The thing is this: Your daughter is an adult. When we become adults, we are responsible for our own lives, even if what has been done to us is unfair or abusive. Your daughter is responsible to fix herself and her own life. Perhaps, and understandably so, you can't bear that her children be vulnerable to her and you let yourself be mistreated, along with your house, as a means of protecting the children, and keeping them close. All of us, could understand this.

But the thing is, you've exposed yourself to collateral damage, to be destroyed. I really don't believe that anything good ever comes by submitting myself to be destroyed, demeaned, belittled, and used. It sure sounds like this is what is happening.

I believe you've come to the right place. Because all of us here have been in this situation in one form or another. Others will come along soon. I hope you continue posting. It really does help.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Hi there. I am sorry for your situation and believe your worry about your grandsons reel you in. I get this. I was in the same.boat.

However....I have a very abusive daughter, probably borderline, and we (her father and I) finally cut off all help. Her child now lives with my sane daughter. He is thriving away from insane daughter.

Adult children like your daughter and mine don't care if WE are healthy. Mine sure didn't care. She counted on my strong empathy for her to allow her to both abuse both of us and to take all she could from us. Now starting at a young age we knew we couldn't live with her so we bought her a house to get her out safely. We were very generous and loving. That house didn't work out but she never came back. Even so I kept trying to save her and it never worked out well and almost gave me a nervous breakdown and her father and I nearly divorced. My other kids were not given as much attention as she sucked the life out of me. She literally was destroying all of us. Finally husband said ENOUGH and left me when I refused to finally stop enabling our daughter. That triggered me to get into privateb therapy and to join Nar Anon. They saved my.life and I found that I matter too.. So do you. We matter as much as our children matter.. They are adults now and need to learn to stand alone. We won't be around forever.

I am more peaceful without Kay around us.. She found a way to get Disability and government assistance and.now lives in a motor home in another state with her husband (horrible man but they are very much alike). She is angry at me, but at least she didn't kill me and the rest of my family is great and thriving. Kay could get mental health care and help for her pot addiction but she has not ever been willing to help herself. One day maybe she will. Or not. I can not make her happy. She needs to do that. Nobody can save another especially when the person won't try. I decided our help was not help and then I let go.

I recommend going to private therapy for yourself and/or going to a 12 Step group like Families Ananymous or Nar Anon (if she uses or used drugs,) for support. FA and NA.have Zoom meetings now. I am in Nar Anon.Changed my life. I like this forum, but in my opinion nothing beats real life support. If you want support in NA send me a message and I will get you info on how to join an online Zoom meeting. Ours is tonight at 6:30 and we have a wonderful, caring group.

I send you hugs and prayers.
 
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Acacia

Well-Known Member
Welcome, Glenna. Busy and Copa are spot on with their thoughts. Oh boy, can I relate to your story. My 41 year old daughter is borderline with substance abuse and has two children though younger than yours. Over the years I have tried and tried to help her and also took her in as you did.

As you describe, with borderline the attacks come out of nowhere, the rage is extreme, and there is remorse. Your nervous system must be shot. I finally had to refuse to let her back when yet another relationship fell apart. It was one of the most difficult things to do, but I also knew I could no longer tolerate her abuse. She has not spoken to me in four years. My heart hurts, but not as much as when I was being abuse daily.

I encourage you to post here, to read old posts, and to seek support to learn to set boundaries to protect yourself.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Ditto to what Busy said:

“I recommend going to private therapy for yourself and/or going to a 12 Step group like Families Ananymous or Nar Anon (if she uses or used drugs,) for support. FA and NA.have Zoom meetings now. I am in Nar Anon.Changed my life. I like this forum, but in my opinion nothing beats real life support. If you want support in NA send me a message and I will get you info on how to join an online Zoom meeting.”

We are going to a local FA group. It seems to be primarily fir family of substance abusers, but they do take people with adult children behaving irrationally due to mental illness etc.

I would at least to attempt to set up some basic boundaries with your daughter:
-No abuse either physical or verbal
-If you break something you have to pay to fix it or replace it

Also…I would Google how to legally remove your daughter from your home as it may come to this.

Perhaps a thirty day legal notice. But it could involve more. Be careful.
 
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