Still unsure

[Cora]

It's getting close to son's parole date, sometime the first part of November. The last time I had contact with him was when I basically
told him I didn't want anything to do with him. I did that by refusing to agree to him living with me.

I've been wondering if I need to write him and let him know all I wanted was for him to have a chance at not being jobless and homeless.
The best chance for both of those is to not be in the town I live in. There just aren't enough opportunities for him here.

It's been more than obvious how he feels about me and my choice, I don't really think a letter will help anything, just want him to
know I want things to be better for him.

 

[Smithmom]

Hi Cora. Perhaps I'm currently the only one here who's been down this road.

First, congrats on your decision and sticking to it.

Every prison system is different. But most require that he have an address that has agreed to accept him before they will release him. And that person has to pass a background check. If he has no one he has to apply to programs that will accept him. Sometimes called a halfway house. He has to apply to each until one accepts him. Each will have rules he won't like. Typically this will include drug and alcohol testing, getting a job within 30 days, curfews, attending some kind of house meetings, etc. He may have to interview and convince them that he is a good candidate for their program. So not accepting means he's in a difficult position and may be in there more time. Of course he's angry. And being under a lot of stress, having the rug of his plans pulled out from under him, etc he has no interest in you, your feelings or intentions.

So any letter you send is going to be destroyed probably without reading it. My guess would be that writing this is to reduce your feelings of guilt. If that will work then do it. But I doubt it will work.

If/ when he matures he will understand. Mine is 33 and blames his sad life on me, not his use of drugs and resulting bad choices. I comfort myself by knowing that his years in prison allowed his brain to develop, him to think about himself, learn from books and develop some positives interests. I pray that some day he will be able to face his reality and his past. I am able to sleep knowing where he is, that he's mostly clean but primarily that he's alive. Given his use that is actually a miracle.

As you know, we only have control over ourselves. Our sons may or may not become who we hope they can be. Enjoy your life and let him find is.

 

[Tiredof33]

My adult son, 44yo, is still so immature. I retired years ago and moved to a rural area with few options for employment. He tells people I moved without telling him my location, lol.

He was on a path forprison, even as far as assigned a prison number. It did scare him enough to slow him down, but not make him turn his life around.

My man child has had so many opportunities, but he just can not, will not, learn from his bad situations.

It is still extremely stressful for me, as I'm sure it is for you. My son still thinks he should be given money constantly. Any relationship he gets into fails, because the only type of women that's going to get into a relationship with his type is also looking for a handout.

Most of his family has cut ties with him and I understand. He is manipulative, lies, but thinks he is so much more intelligent than everyone else. Obnixous!!

I am dealing with his constant stressful gimme texts. He never gives up trying to wear me down. I try to read between the lines and lies on when he really needs help.

Of course, I am the only living soul that cares about him. That changes at the drop of a hat when I refuse his drama filled money games.

It's sad, stressful, never ending drama. Take care of yourself!! ((hugs))

 

[Cora]

Hi Smithmom and Tiredof33,
Thank you both for your replies. I did write the letter and it was just for my guilty feelings and fear of what if's.
I know I can't make changes for him and learning your own responsibilities is something that no one can do for you.
Rule following has never been very convenient for him.

It's good that people on this site understand all the mixed up complicated dialogues that can go on in your head.
I really am sorry any one of you are here but so thankful that you are.
Hugs to all........

 

[Tiredof33]

Cora,
My son can look me straight in the eyes and lie to me. He and the nightmare of a girlfriend hacked into my computer trying to steal from my backing account.

I've reached an age where it's getting more difficult for hubby and I to keep up our home. My son has nothing to his name. He was having a hard time keeping a job during COVID, then found a very good job. He was getting along so well, then a new young female right out of college came in and they butted heads. She fired him.

He relapsed, I'm sure he was always drinking/using, but it turned into full time. I think his partner was using with him, just not as much.

So, now he's in a new relationship with an unemployed lady. What else is new, sigh. He's had 3 'friends' OD recently.

My 44yo has nothing, no insurance, no pension, nothing. I have no idea what will become of him. The only thing I am sure of he can never live in my home as long as I am alive. I do not trust him at all, everything he can get his hands on he will pawn or sell.

I can not understand why my intelligent son's life has turned out this way. It's truly living in a nightmare for me. I don't think he wants to live on the streets again, he refuses to live in a shelter. The only thing I'm positive about is he can not live with me.

Makes us feel guilty, right?

 

[Cora]

Tiredof33,
I have reached my "difficult age" too. I have to keep working, no other choice at this point. Sometime at work I feel
like I just can't physically do it anymore, but so far I just keep going.

I didn't expect a response from son, and surely didn't get one! I've been making regular deposits on his prison account
for a while now, I decided this week to stop doing it, money has never been a lasting solution ( no matter how much I
gave it wasn't enough). What I will do now is make the same deposit but put it in my own savings account.

Wish you wellness and peace

 

[Tiredof33]

I think putting the money in your own account is an excellent idea. Plan for an extravagant item for you, then buy it. My son could have had a college degree at an expensive college with all of the money I've thrown away trying to help him.

When I was 14yo I drove (farm life, we were born knowing how to drive, lol) a senior family member I love dearly to visit a woman. It was down a winding dirt road in the woods late at night. The darkness was terrifying!!

The woman we visited had no electricity and I sat in the car in complete darkess waiting for my family member to talk to the lady. I had no idea why we were there and back then we did not ask our elders questions, lol.

When she finally came back to the car she told me the woman told her a spell had been placed on her 2 sons and the woman could remove it for $200. Thank goodness my family member did not have the money or she would have agreed. I remember the night vividly, mainly because I was scared to death, lol.

It's a joke between my sister and I now to get a job stripping or pole dancing to raise the money to get the spell removed from my son (and quite a few others).

I hope I made you laugh, lol. The things mothers will do for their children is beyond reason, lol!!

 

[Cora]

Thanks for joke, not a bad idea as long as it was an hourly paid job and not based on tips!

 

[Deni D]

Cora, I hope you keep up with the deposits into your savings account. I know how difficult it is but really the money will be put to much better use for yourself.

Cora and Tired, with people who are selfish and self centered it's very true, it's never enough. We can't fill that bottomless pit we did not create. I feel strongly we did not create it, because we are not that way, our words and examples of how we have lived our lives could not create such an opposite. We only had so much control of our adult children as they grew up, even if we thought they would pick up on our examples. They go the way they want to, sadly often the lowest way they see.

On the pole dancing, a few years ago maybe I would have tried it in an exercise class. These days even if I was to make it up a poll I'm pretty sure I'd break something on the way down. But $200 to fix all that ails with my son and yeah others, I'm in, where's that lady, lol!